Daily Archives: September 12, 2016

Sunset


Self-Hatred

So I went on a little exercise in self-hatred today–I went clothes shopping with my birthday money.  I would have done better buying books or CD’s.  I’m not knocking what I bought–a purple dress and a burgundy pantsuit. But I struggled to find my new size and had to put back some really pretty things.  So that was depressing.

So that was most of my morning.  I feel like going back to sleep,. I’m not sure that I won’t. It’s mu mom birthday so I need to call her.  ANd I need to swap over laundry.  This afternoon we start dance class so I will take the youngest one there.

I am so tired of the obsessions. I’m going back to my therapist Wednesday and talk through them again.  WE will see.

 


Weekly Wrap-Up September 12, 2016

Mood The week started off well. I enjoyed myself staying at Maurice’s parents, but when I got home I crashed. Socializing and being out of my environment takes its toll on me. I came home feeling good, but did not expect how badly it affected me until the next morning. There was a small amount of stress, but mostly it…

The post Weekly Wrap-Up September 12, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Advice Needed

 

Check out my Monday entry to see where the advice is needed.

Tues:

Wow…things are weird right now. I want to go to my bipolar group and it is four hours off. I got up at six and got a lot of stuff done. I am now bored out of my mind. I am probably getting a bit hypomanic OR I am just normal and not used to it.

I definitely need to get driving more. Then I could go and do anything I want to and not have to ask my husband. There’s absolutely no reason for me not to drive.

I’m interested to see what this week holds, energy wise. One thing I am trying NOT to do is take Klonopin when I feel uncomfortable. I am using my CBT sheets to write out what is going on and trying to skip the meds. I’d like to get the Klonopin down to a few pills a week and situations like flying or long car trips.

Went to the neighbor’s house for dinner. Actually staying awake enough at night to go somewhere.

Wed:

A rough night. Woke up at 2 and the delicious lasagna my neighbor had made was making its way back up my throat. Grabbed the antacid and one of my shakes and a ton of water. Finally got my stomach settled and went back to sleep. I feel pretty worn out this morning, but have to see the psychiatrist and have lunch with my friend. I have cancelled on her TWICE, so I just can’t do it again.

I’m hoping to feel stronger and make it to yoga today. Am feeling okay emotionally…..a little depressed over having to weigh in tomorrow. I know it will not be good.

Update: Made it to lunch and had a really good time. Klonopin update: took two today….one at 2am in order to go back to sleep and one at 7 pm….just feeling restless and wanted to relax. Need to remember to CBT out my Klonopin usage.

Psychiatrist announced he is retiring in December of 2017. I don’t even want to THINK about finding another doctor. He encouraged me to go every week to bipolar support. I’ve been hitting it about once a month. I’m going to try to get there every Tuesday.

Thurs:

Great morning so far! Got up early and have just been hanging around. Have to go to the diet doctor, do laundry, and hopefully make it to yoga. Not a bad day.

Getting weighed today is going to be a bummer. I just had too many problems with nausea, Metformin, snacking, eating out, and just falling down. My goal is still to lose eight pounds this month….we’ll see how it goes.

Update: Got weighed in and gained half a pound. Not a disaster, but not exactly progress. Today I have (so far) stuck right with the diet and did drink my half-gallon of water. Went to yoga BUT the class was cancelled. Total bummer! Plan on taking a morning walk tomorrow. That would be three walks this week. A bit of progress.

Got home from driving to the cancelled yoga class and felt like taking a Klonopin so I could get a good nap. But I resisted. Am going to try to nap without it or just stay awake. A victory!

Tomorrow I have a walk, trip to the vet, texting a few friends, a call with my devotional partner, getting set up for a small morning get together on Saturday, and entertaining myself while my husband is at poker. Probably sew on that quilt.

I feel like I have a lot of free time, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself. I also don’t want to just fill my days with busy work. I am looking for MEANING! Hopefully, something will come along.

Fri:

Not a big day. Feeling really good. Took dog to the vet. Drove down and drove back. Getting ready for a small Mary Kay party am having tomorrow. I have a friend who is a rabid Mary Kay salesperson. I try to help her out when I can.

Nothing much happening today. Plan on getting a shower and doing a little sewing tonight. Husband will be at poker.

Took NO Klonopin yesterday. Hope to make it with none or one today.

Sat:

Wound up taking one Klonopin yesterday. Not bad. Feeling very good this morning….no problems.

Today is another low-key day. Having that little Mary Kay gathering, possibly going to the movies, and about a half hour of sewing. Need to remember to drive to the movies, not ride.

Lost a pound yesterday according to my scale. I am drinking my 64 oz. of water they recommend. It’s not very hard to do.

I feel very normal…not at all bipolar. A relief. I do feel restless….possible a bit too much medication. Who knows? Also a lot of boredom creeping in.

I am struggling between scheduling more stuff and taking the risk of cancelling…or having not much to do and being bored. It’s always something.

Sun: (9/11)

Have been watching the news coverage of the anniversary of 9/11. Very sad. Hard to believe it has been 15 years. I was watching the news at the kitchen table when it happened. I thought a small plane accidentally hit the towers when my husband first called me. You know, another crazy private pilot off course.

When I realized what was happening, I quickly got my two little ones home from the neighborhood school down the street. My oldest was clear downtown at a ballet school. I sent my husband, who had been released from work.

The strangest feeling for me was being “trapped” where we were. You could not just go to the airport and get on a plane. Nothing was moving.

Very sad as they read the names of those who died. After all this time, still unbelievable.

Mon:

Well, more trouble with Danny. His dad went out to switch his parking pass to our car so we could take his car for an oil change and a tire rotation. He found several vials of pot in the car just sitting out. Danny has a medical marijuana card, so I assume it is legal for him to carry it. He has a prescription label on all these vials.

Danny is doing well otherwise. He is in his junior year at the state university and has a job. He is making music and performing it here and there. I know that drugs is a part of that “scene”.

Danny’s dad, who is violently anti-drug, has been calm about this. I just hope he can be thoughtful and not kick Danny out. Part of Danny’s contract was no drugs or paraphernalia in the house or car (which is actually our car he is using). I really don’t want Danny to quit school over this and I don’t want to see him addicted to pot.

Advice? Do we confront him with his violation of the house contract? Do we throw him out and let him quit school and take the consequences? Do we somehow get him help? Is he addicted? Do we say nothing as long as he is going to school and work? I know a lot of you out there are younger and understand the whole pot thing better. Please help if you can. Thanks.

lily

 

9/11 Through A Canadian’s Eyes

On September 11, 2001, my Hubby and I had been married all of ten days. Back then, I was still a morning person, while hubby was (and still is) not. I was in the office around 7 am PDT. The … Continue reading

Pain Awareness = Suicide Prevention

An excellent post on a topic that is difficult to think about, unless you are one of the people who needs opioid pain medication in order to live some semblance of a normal life.

Please visit Zyp’s amazing blog and share her well-researched and well-written posts. She deserves a wide readership for her prolific and always high quality content.

EDS Info (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome)

Pain Awareness and Suicide Prevention

Coincidentally, September is both “Pain Awareness Month” and “Suicide Prevention Month”.

Judging from all the articles I’ve found discussing the link between pain and suicide, the juxtaposition of these two awareness campaigns is a fortuitous coincidence, a chance to raise awareness of the potentially deadly consequences of poor pain control.

Perhaps it can start some necessary conversations about how the withdrawal of opioid pain management could exacerbate suicidal impulses.  

View original post 818 more words


So Tired

I’m tired of feeling like shit.

My father in law came to visit us for a week and I can’t get up the energy to even be involved with it.

I even asked my hubby to talk his sister into not coming over tonight because I was just not in the mood. She’s one of my favorite people in the world and I don’t want to see her, well her and her kids. I don’t know that I would be able to control my temper if they misbehaved and I don’t want that coming between us.

I love the kids don’t get me wrong I just have no patience today.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up and the birds are singing and there’s rainbows every where.  I know it won’t happen but a girl can dream a little huh?

fuck it.