Today is not simply a memorial to our fallen tribe leader, Ulla/Blahpolar. It is a day to draw attention to suicide and suicide prevention. Having said that…I’d like to go on record and state…I am so bloody sick of society’s dismissive “suicide is the easy way out” view.
No. There is NOTHING easy about suicide. Not one who falls so low they succumb to it, nor those who are left behind wondering if there was something else we could have done to make life seem worth living. To say suicide is the easy way out makes as much sense as going the long way around on a road of glass shards to get to the house next door. It’s non sensical and it’s rubbish. To reach the point where suicidal ideation becomes intent, well…It was not an easy journey.
It’s the end of the road.
And further angering me is when some ignorant person says “oh, committing suicide just means they were weak.”
NO NO NO NO.
You see, Ulla/Blah is the second person I’ve known on line to succumb to self destruction in search of peace. Back in 2004, it was the creator of the msn chat room I basically lived in. Kathy fought and fought some more. She was a mother to many of us, a friend, a sister, a jokester. She did battle to the best of her ability. And then she couldn’t battle a day more.
The truth is, there comes a time when whatever your demons, mental issues, drugs, etc- you hit the wall. I am lucky to have not hit my wall, merely come close. For those who do hit it…There’s no weakness, no selfishness involved. Their strength reserves are empty. They simply can’t go on anymore. It is not our place to judge them, blame them, or transfer our inability to understand suicide onto their actions.
Our place is to make sure their legacy lives on. I did not know Blahpolar as well as some did, but she was a good friend to me in a way that worked for us both. I will miss the link dumps and swapping bad puns with her. I will miss her heart which she poured into her posts, her humor, which was there even under the pain. I will miss her brilliant mind. And in an effort to keep her memory alive, so to speak…
I wrote this poem today. This is for Ulla/Blahpolar.
Like the warrior you were, you used every weapon in your arsenal
and valiantly you fought the demons within
Until those weapons dulled, crumbled- still you fought some more
You did battle without armor, you charged in without a shield
taking on shrapnel and bullets and wounds
You didn’t quit, didn’t give up, no surrender
you merely regrouped
Until one day the battle went on one day too long
you chose to retreat, waving a white flag
you laid down your arms
and finally found much deserved peace
Gone but not forgotten, always revered, imprinted on our hearts and minds
always you shall remain
Our hero, our heroine