Daily Archives: September 6, 2016

Bipolar – I’m “Cut Off”

I know, that is a very ominous title. However, anyone with bipolar knows that there are certain tendencies that need tough love! I have not had many manic episodes or deep depressions for several years now. In fact, I think I … Continue reading

Brain Ferrets

Noise in My Head

I’ve learned it’s never a good idea to listen to my brain, especially when the noise is negative. And adamant.  So, I’ve stuck my fingers in my ears a lot over the summer.  Lalalala.  I can’t hear you.

But brains are insidious, crafty, gray matter ferrets. Mine can sniff out a weak spot and gnaw until there’s room for a nest.  Pretty soon, baby brain-ferrets slink through the cracks of my reality.  They shred everything, those little stinkers, so that fact, delusion, awareness, perception, fear, and anything else they find turns into one, pulpy mess.

I wouldn’t mind this so much if they’d just shut up about it. Unfortunately, I speak perfect Brain Ferret.

chewingWhy even go to church?  You can’t make any commitments. You can’t even sign up for fun stuff like the Murder Mystery dinner or the music concerts without cancelling most of the time.

Shut it, Boba Ferret.

And nobody noticed that you didn’t attend all summer.

Yes, they did. Scott and Karen said they missed me.  And what about those emails from Linda and Sally?

Months ago.  That’s not the Community you hoped for.

Shut up, Ferret Bueller.  They’re not mind-readers.  They can’t know I’m brain-sick unless I tell them. Contrary to your opinion, I’m not the center of everyone’s universe.

You wanted to participate, teach meditation, work on Social Justice teams.  Face it.  You can’t do that stuff anymore.  You’ve lost the capacity to be around people.

Well … Maybe …

ferretsYou lasted 30 minutes at your cousin’s funeral this weekend before you had to bolt and find a quiet place outside.

I know …

And those are people you’ve known all your life.

Stop.  Just stop a minute.

You’re losing your social skills.  Your tolerance for distress is shrinking.  You’re getting worse.  Maybe your brain is starting to rot.

Sometimes it does feel that way.

And that stupid art journal.  What is that crap?

Listen here, Family von Ferret, I see the mess you’ve made here.  I can’t sort it out right now, so I’m just shutting this door…

WE’LL CHEW THROUGH IT!

And I’m calling the Exterminators.

ferret2• • •

Uh huh.  That’s right.  Slink back to your nest and stay there!

We’ll be back.

Yeah, I know, Arnold Schwartzenferret.

I know.


Therapy

So I went to therapy today and discussed my obsessions,  Again.  They are better since I’ve started the higher dose of ABilify.  But I did talk them through and I think got some more insight as to why they came up again.  We think it had to do with the Katrina anniversary since that is when they really went into panic mode.

I read her my new short story, which she said was “gripping” and “sounded authentic”.   And I wrote a body image essay for nonfiction this morning that included Bob finding out about my obsessions.  I sent it to my professor to see what she thought before I turned it in.  So we will see how that goes.

Someone is still reading me–I had fifty-four views yesterday and have 25 today so far.  I’m not sure what is up with my stats, but if it all helps give someone hope, that’s all I need to know.

THe middle daughter is at Auburn trying to see what she likes about the campus and the programs.  She takes the ACT again this weekend and hopefully will take it while finally being fully well–no bronchitis, flu, or allergies. So we are hoping for great things.🙂

I need to do my reading for class.  And I need to work through laundry.  We will see how today goes.  I’m feeling better having gone to therapy and  gotten some insight.  THat is what I pay her the big bucks for.  Hope everyone has a great start to the fall season!

 

 

 


Louse-y

I really don’t want to post in light of learning of Blah’s death. But since the tears have temporarily stopped (I’m hormonal and crying uncontrollably over TV shows even)…I think Blah recognized the importance of venting and getting this garbage out of our heads. I believe she would encourage me to post anyway. Or tell me to get impaled by one of my pegacorns. Bipolar, ya know. (God, I miss her words already.)

Anyway…

My kid was sent home from school Friday. They found lice nits in her hair. For fuck’s sake, the kid is a louse magnet. Thus began my weekend of treating her and myself (I splurged and bought the homeopathic spray in), washing all the bedding, vacuuming, nit picking. Literally. And whatever glue those fuckers attach their eggs with should be patented because it’s better than super glue. The combs were useless on most. So I got a can of pink sheen and tweezers and hour after hour we sat while I slid nits off a zillion hair strands. Guess what? The pink sheen works wonders as it’s a hair conditioning oil. Fuckers slide right out. But the biggest pain is that my kid has such bad dandruff, it’s difficult to tell what is a tiny nit or piece of flaked scalp.

When we were all treated…I took her out to lunch at Dairy Queen. Then the real hell began for it was a long weekend and the friends descended like locusts. Bickering, demanding food, stealing stuff…GRRR. I should have just declared her still infested and off limits but then that just sets her off and she becomes a tyrant.

Piddly ass problems, I am sure. Annoying just the same.

I am so stressed and frustrated. The money thing has me at wits’ end. We’re worse off than ever and my own dad wouldn’t even loan me two bucks to put gas in the car to get her to school last week. We don’t have a home phone anymore since my Magicjack expired and I’m too broke to buy the upgraded version to work with wifi. Food…Geesh, my kid says she is hungry every five minutes. Normal for kids, but hard on the budget.

The anxiety has gone off the charts. I’ve noticed when highly stressed, I raise my voice a lot, I panic a lot. Like this morning when I checked her hair before taking her to the school office to be cleared. I found three nits and went spaztic, convinced I’d never be able to pick them all out and get her back in class thus I’d be going to jail…

THIS is why I am looking forward to fall and winter so much. Slower pace. Gets dark earlier so the locusts have to go home. My kid mistakes darkness as bedtime so she will probably be asleep by 7 p.m. I NEED the calm.

Because this weekend sucked. We got new neighbors and they were moving in all weekend, lots of vehicles, slamming doors, barking dogs. All the triggers that make me come unglued.

I am taking my break today. She can play on the wifi thingie, no friends. Free daycare is closed today.

Okay, now that I have purged, I will stop bitching about what are annoyances rather than real problems but the anxiety…is a real problem.

I really, really hope that Blah is at peace now and that she knows…the tribe will never forget her.


An Invitation: JOIN ME on SEPT 10th to Honour Blahpolar’s Death

Hope the pegacorns frolic around you and that you finally find peace. You will be missed, Blah.

My Spanglish Familia

Dear WordPress Community

I am overcome with grief upon learning of Blahpolar’s death. I assume, many of you are too.

Please join me andYve on SEPTEMBER 10th, 2016World Suicide Prevention Day – on Blahpolar’s blog (link to her last post here) to honour her beautiful, brilliant, warrior’s spirit.

Bring with you your fondest memories, your favourite posts, some “food”, “flowers”, “candles”, and let’s honour her struggle and mourn her loss together.

Please spread the word. Hit the REBLOG button if you like, or whichever way you feel most comfortable.

We look forward to seeing you there.

View original post

Scientology in less than Two Minutes

I’ve been planning a post about the Church of Scientology for a long time and have been researching it for over a year. I’m still not ready. Part of my research was to tour the building above, which is the Psychiatry Industry of Death Museum located in Hollywood. Needless to say, Scientologists aren’t fans of Psychiatry or even the term,…

The post Scientology in less than Two Minutes appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

September has Arrived!

fall-leaves-8Wed:

Cannot believe this is the beginning of September. I am trying hard to live my life one day at a time and to get something out of each day. But the days just fly by.

Am home from our vacation and am exhausted as is usual. I always have a hard time right after we get home. Takes a day or so to get my mind back in shape.

Am supposed to go out with a friend for lunch. I made the mistake of scheduling this for today. It’s too soon after our trip. Don’t want to cancel, but not sure. I don’t know why I put pressure on myself. I need to be kinder to myself. If there is one thing I’d say about bipolar….we don’t need any outside criticism…we do it ourselves.

I’m darn right pissed at myself about exercising. I took two good walks on our vacation, but have not been to the gym or to yoga for weeks. Really disappointing.

Still have a bit of nausea this morning, but am doing better than yesterday. I have been having a few plain crackers on occasion and that helps. According to my home scale, I am losing weight, so I think the crackers are fine. I find just having bits of food really helps get me through this diet. I weigh in tomorrow. I hope I have lost at least a little. It is hard to be on vacation and diet. I found a list of low carb snacks online and plan to get some to help me a little. Just something to chew (besides gum) would be nice. As long as I am losing about two pounds a week….I am good.

Thurs:

Well, it’s September 1st and here we are.

My husband went to the store and got some low carb snacks. I’m going to see if this helps a bit with the liquid diet. Just a few bites of something sounds good. I went on a bit of an eating binge last night…a piece of chicken and some crackers.

I did cancel my lunch with my friend yesterday. I feel like I am slipping sort of backwards on my progress in life. But I know it is a little forward and a little back. I’m trying to stay positive.

I weigh in today. I hope I have at least held my own and not gained. I was on that vacation for four days of the week, so I probably haven’t lost a lot, if any. But at least I am trying.I also see my CBT therapist today. I am going to ask her if we can work on me internalizing things that happen to my children. I am way too wrapped up in their lives. I think this is an overreaction from my mother and absentee father…neither of who cared much about me. My kids are adults now. I don’t need to text them every time they are an hour late coming home from work.

I plan to get out my Fall decorations today and decorate the den and living room a little. This always cheers me up.

Update: Got weighed and gained half a pound. Not sure why…was pretty careful. Nurse said this is normal….will probably drop three or so next week. I know I need to drink more water.

I bought some more low carb snacks. Ate a piece of string cheese with my Metformin. No nausea so far. Got some kale chips. They sound gross, but I will try them.

Fri:

Did not care for the kale chips. Really bad.

Tough morning to get going. Danny was coming in really late and I sort of couldn’t go to sleep till he was home. Slept sort of fitfully. Have a decent day, though. First, off to my therapist, then a bit of good shopping, then a massage. However, this would all be more fun if I was awake.

Drove down to CBT therapist yesterday. The driving is getting easier. I plan on doing the driving today. Sometime soon I plan to get on and off the freeway….just an exit or two. And I need to drive at night. Last night we were out and it was seven o’clock and sort of light and sort of dark. That might be a good time to practice. Remember that my goal by next August is driving anywhere in town, any time of night or day.

Tomorrow I have nothing on my calendar but a walk and some sewing on the quilt.

Trying to stay on the diet totally today, except for a cheese stick with the meds. Maybe some bell pepper strips later.

Sat:

Woke up with a pounding headache and realized I had not taken my morning meds yesterday morning. I am on the couch chugging water, Tylenol, and a Klonopin.

Just an all around crappy day. Headache finally gave up at 5pm. Got snippy with my husband over something…not even sure what. A wasted day, which I really hate.

Went totally off my diet today. A big setback. I did some CBT work on my disappointment in myself.

Sun:

Well, today started off fine. I felt great physically. We didn’t go to church and took a walk instead. So I felt good about exercising. Then things started to deteriorate. I was talking on the phone to a friend when my husband came in and turned the TV on really loud. Then he complained that the dishes weren’t done. (The kids leave a lot of stuff around). So I did the dishes. Then I complained that he had a lot of crap sitting in the dining/living room. Then he complained that I turned on my music in the kitchen while he was trying to watch TV. So it was basically not a good time. Plus, the fantasy football draft is today AND I HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL!

It’s only 10:30 but I have stayed on my diet so far all morning. No cheating.

Oh, forgot to tell you…I’m not seeing either therapist for two weeks. I feel like I am doing well enough right now. That is progress.

Mon: LABOR DAY

Started the day off with a 30 minute walk. I am determined to also get to yoga at least once this week. I feel great today….I even accompanied my husband to get the dog’s nails clipped. Normally he would do all the errands on his own, but I am feeling energetic enough to get out somewhat.

Went off the diet last night. I struggle with hunger after about three o’clock. I need to be more organized and have a healthy snack ready to go. Plus, my family is eating dinner and it is hard. I feel like this has turned into a diet blog, but that is really mainly what I am dealing with now. I am NOT depressed, thank god.

We plan on grilling today for the holiday. My food will be a veggie kabob and some salad. The rest of them are having steak and black bean burgers.

Danny is doing well in school and at work as far as we know. My daughter has gotten on “Match” and is talking to some nice guys. My middle son seems fine. We’re doing pretty well overall. It’s nice.

Tues:

Up bright and early at six this morning. Last night’s grilled dinner turned out really good. My day isn’t too busy…shower, call for a vet appointment, attend bipolar group, and have dinner at the neighbor’s.

Overall, I would say things are going pretty well. I still need to drive more, exercise more, and get stricter on the diet. So I’ve got some good goals for this week.

I hope you all are doing well. Many hugs-

lily

On The Upswing

I think I’m on an upswing. Not 100% sure because really what does normal feel like anyhow? It’s not like it is something I am used to.

I am being more active in things. Playing games and walking to catch Pokemon. Yesterday I spent hours watching a new anime. So hopefully that means that things are going to pick up.

I’ve made a decision that I am going to go on a road trip with my SiL and mom when my mom comes down from Canada to visit. We’re going to head to Denver and do some exploring and other fun things. It will be strange to do things without hubby but I think it’s going to be fun. I’m not gonna change my mind on this.  So now I am really looking forward to October.

Can I do normal things? We shall see.


Reblog of a Guest Post: Love in a Bipolar World by Rebecca

Originally posted on Bipolar Bandit:
When you find that special person that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, you have to consider a lot of factors.  If you are bipolar, the list of considerations…