Daily Archives: August 28, 2016

Review – Organic Aromas Diffuser

“I have been given this product as part of a product review through the Chronic Illness Bloggers Network. Although the product was a gift, all opinions in this review remain my own and I was in no way influenced by … Continue reading

Dear Devoted Husband

Dear devoted husband,

I had forgotten the fear that is instilled in you once I drink. You micromanage and follow me around the house terrified there are still secrets. I have battled this disease of alcoholism for a very long time. I do it for me, but I also do it for you. I don’t want you to have to endure me as a monster. Ungrateful. Bitter. Hateful. Throwing daggers of rage directly at you when it truly has nothing to do w you. My demons are big. I’m so sorry it impacts you this way. You feel unsafe in your own home because of the wreckage I cause. It feels unfair. Why should you? Why would you continue to support me after all I have put us through?
I appealed to you in my collapse. If only you could understand my chaos. My self loathing. The roller coaster of bipolar. I reveal the suicidal thoughts. The desire to escape. The uncertainty I can carry on like this. You could probably never understand the way I want you to. But you stay by my side always, through it all. As the alcohol collided with my intense anger I said many things I did not mean. I sincerely regret. You laid in bed with me as I cried it out. Stuttered and stammered to get my painful words across. I couldn’t bring myself to announce the plan I have been mulling over for the past week. The incessant suicidal chatter that is intrusive, never stops and is convincing. I instead rest on your shoulder. I let the tears run wild down my cheeks. While there is a sense of freedom in an emotional explosion, picking up the pieces is another story.
I try to contain my defensiveness as you ask me where I’m going in our 1200 square ft house. I stand up and you flinch wondering if I’m going to sneak a drink. I put my hand on the doorknob and you say..are you really going to get coffee or are you going to drink. Please don’t drink. My self loathing increases w each question. What a fool I am giving in to the false promise of alcohol. What a fool I am to continually test the limits. If you said you couldn’t love me anymore I wouldn’t blame you. Sometimes I hope you do, so I can release this guilt. So I can jump and end this nightmare. But no. Over and over you profess your love for me. All of me.
I must contend with the guilt. With the roller coaster. With the fear. Because you do.


Reblog – On Wellness: It Takes a Village

Originally posted on My Spanglish Familia:
I saw this quote on Jenna’s blog. I love this quote. I want to scream “This makes so much sense!” so everyone can hear me and wonder what makes so much sense. The ‘we’…

The New Normal

The New Normal for me is STRESS.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Dad came out of the hospital and home to 24-hour nursing care and Hospice.  It was either that, or a nursing home, and none of us could tolerate the idea of a nursing home.  Medicare pays for Hospice, but the parents have to pay out of pocket for the 24-hour nursing ($22/hour!!!).  THANK GOD they have the means to do that.

It is SO STRESSFUL and SAD to see my Dad so ill and incapacitated!!!  He is also in so much denial!!  There he is in his hospital bed, telling me that he can get up and walk across the room, when he can’t even stand up, or wipe his own butt.  It makes me unbelievably sad to see him so humbled by life.  I hardly know what to do with my emotions.  Fortunately, I have had loads of work from Dr. HasHerShitTogether, so I’ve been keeping busy, and that helps A LOT.  Also, I’m broke as a joke and I need the damn money!  I just submitted my first invoice, so I should see a check soon.

I also did un-fire Dr. Flaky and I’m going to meet with her on Wednesday.  This should be a good source of some steady work for awhile, getting her caught up on everything, IF she behaves and keeps to her commitments.  I’m hopeful, but realistic.  It might work, but if it doesn’t, I’ll have to cut my losses.  We’ll see.  She IS a good person, she’s just very, very scattered.  If I can do some work to help her pull it together, so much the better.

Other than working and going to my parents, I haven’t had a life!  Today is the first chance I’ve even had to do my laundry.  My apartment is a total mess and I don’t know if I have the energy to clean it, even though it would make me feel better to have a more clean environment.  Where the hell are the little pixies and elves when you need them???

Well my friends, that’s my sorry update.  Oh, still not smoking, miracle of miracles!!  Mood still steady, second miracle.  I believe I am being visited by Grace.  I am grateful for that.  I hope you all are well.  Peace!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Smoking, Bipolar and Stress, Bipolar and Work Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Self-Care and Sleep: Fact or Fiction?

Every article you see about self-care for bipolar disorder will tell you, Get enough rest or Get enough sleep.

Sleep is that golden chain that ties health and our bodies together.  – Thomas Dekker

But what did Thomas Dekker know? For many of us, proper, beneficial sleeping is easier said than done.

Neon light owlEven with my prescribed Ambien and Ativan, I’ve done the wide-awake-at-3:00-don’t-get-to-sleep-till-5:30 thing. And the unsettled-from-nightmares-afraid-to-go-to-sleep thing. (Also the just-one-more-chapter thing, but that’s my own fault.)

Then the next day I have to take a mega-nap (http://wp.me/p4e9wS-iO), which leads to guess what? More insomnia.

But this coin has another side as well. There are days when all I do is sleep. A full night plus (at least 10 hours), then a mega-nap, then right back to bed after dinner.

I don’t think I was awake for much of my childhood. I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. – Michael Ian Black

I know that part of my problem is my husband’s work schedule – third shift – and wanting to be awake at least at some of the same times that he is.

Another part of the problem is my medication. If I wake at 8:30 (yeah, I work at home) and take my meds, I’m down for the count again until at least 10:30. Or 11:00. Or even noon. I hope my clients think that I run errands in the morning or work on my projects with chat, IM, and phone turned off so as not to be disturbed.

And then there is my meal schedule, which is just as erratic as my sleep schedule. Most days I try to eat at least one good, full, hearty meal (another self-care recommendation, though they usually advise more than one meal). But after I eat – especially a hefty meal – I get postprandial torpor, the technical term for why you fall asleep on Thanksgiving after eating all that turkey. (And you thought it was the tryptophan.) And there comes another nap.

The repose of sleep refreshes only the body. It rarely sets the soul at rest. The repose of the night does not belong to us. It is not the possession of our being. Sleep opens within us an inn for phantoms. In the morning we must sweep out the shadows.  – Gaston Bachelard

But recently, it’s been the not-able-to-sleep thing. There’s a Tarot card that symbolizes the feeling – the 9 of Swords. In the Rider-Waite deck, the image is of a person sitting up in bed, hiding her face, with nine parallel swords floating in the background. I always refer to it as The Dark Night of the Soul. (The 6 of Cups usually means something like Childhood Memories, but for me it means “See Your Therapist.”)

(Note: I had a rather irregular introduction to the Tarot deck, and for me it acts sort of like a Thematic Apperception Test. I apologize to those of you I have just offended in one way or another.)

Sleep is when all the unsorted stuff comes flying out as from a dustbin upset in a high wind. – William Golding

Anyway, a recent event caused me a fair amount of trauma that I had to suppress at the time, and it came out immediately as bloody horrible nightmares the next time I slept. I haven’t had any more of those since, but I suspect they’re still lurking at the back of my brain.

That we are not much sicker and much madder than we are is due exclusively to that most blessed and blessing of all natural graces, sleep. – Aldous Huxley

I guess what I mean by all this is that sleep as self-care is wonderful, if it cooperates. But there are so many things that can go wrong and screw it all up – grief, guilt, depression, sorrow, anxiety, fear, loneliness, restlessness, obsessive thoughts, worries. It doesn’t feel like something that I have much control over.


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: anxiety, bipolar disorder, coping mechanisms, depression, mental health, mental illness, my experiences, self-care, sleep

Trained Seal

It’s bad enough to have to wear the mental health mask daily. Lately, I have received comments or indications that make me feel like I should keep the mask in place even on this blog. I know, I know, it’s all in my head, I mistake optimism for pressure, blah blah. Gotta say, though, no matter how well meaning…if someone comments something to the extent of “positive post for a change”…

NOT fucking helpful.

And…fuck you.

This blog is a mask free zone. NOPE. This is where I get to be me. The real me, the me the world out there can’t accept because OMG displays of emotion are bad enough but not being able to control your own moods and anxieties, you menace to society!

I guess this would be one of my personality flaws. I get a comment or two in a year that makes me irked and never  mind the dozen comments that felt nurturing..My stupid brain will fixate on the one that made me feel mad.

Still…my blog, my rules. No masks. No filters. No censorship.

So later I am going to write a long rant about all the inane yet sanity challenging crap I am dealing with. There will be no mindfulness, no effort at optimism, no attempt to place blame on myself because I have feelings and am being honest.

You have been warned and you know where to click to navigate away from this mask free zone.

Except for October, then I encourage everyone to visit this page and we can all wear our masks. I got dibbs on Pinhead.


I Feel Like Fail

I feel like I am really not worth much right now. My green card is expired and I need to get it renewed and we are trying to sell a house, which you need ID for. I thought I had until 2017, but I was completely wrong on the date and am now super late on getting it done. I hope that sending the paper work off this weekend will rectify it so I stop feeling like this.

I told my husband that I didn’t feel like my life was worth anything and I honestly meant it. I don’t do anything and I know that has to change but when getting out of bed is an accomplishment what are you supposed to do. Hubby thinks it’ll be another week before I get feeling better. I hope he’s right about this one too.