Yesterday, I did not come back from dropping my kid at school and nap. I finished off a series I was watching then went to the shop for four hours to earn some smokes. Today, I could barely drag my butt out of bed at the alarm and lay in bed until it was time to go. I literally came back home and slept for 4 hours.
THIS feels like the start of the seasonal downward spiral.
But I always feel like that when my own behavior deviates (taking naps). It could just be plain old exhaustion. Hormones. Anxiety.
And I have anxiety to spare. My kid is still having her little friends over daily and that comes with bickering, fibbing, tattling, demands for food…I don’t know how “normal” parents handle it. It just seems so rude to me to explain, “I only made enough (x for supper) for two people so maybe another night you can eat with us” and the same kid asks three more times. For an 11 year old, this is rude. Annoying.
This getting an extrovert child is karma biting me on the ass.
This morning she was prattling on as I drove her to school and you simply do NOT ignore or delay Ms Spook. Well, she was demanding an answer to her question, I was distracted by traffic coming all ways and a bunch of teenagers waiting for their bus and goofing off…My brain got so confused I started to accelerate and nearly pulled in front of someone.
How the hell do y’all not bipolar parents haul these chatterboxes around? My kid is more of a threat than texting, eating, and fiddling with the radio dial simultaneously.
One thing for sure…The Pristiq, like every other anti depressant before, does FUCK ALL for my anxiety even if the studies claim otherwise.
I really thought I was going to regain my sanity with school starting back up.
Instead I just keep getting that damned 404 message.
It’s got me frustrated and feeling like maybe i am just this wretched, ungrateful never happy or satisfied monster.
Because to face the truth- that there is something wrong with my brain wiring thus expecting me to have standard issue responses and feelings is ridiculous- well, much easier to assume I’m just a brat.
404: Compassion Never Found.