Daily Archives: August 26, 2016

404: Sanity Not Found

Yesterday, I did not come back from dropping my kid at school and nap. I finished off a series I was watching then went to the shop for four hours to earn some smokes. Today, I could barely drag my butt out of bed at the alarm and lay in bed until it was time to go. I literally came back home and slept for 4 hours.

THIS feels like the start of the seasonal downward spiral.

But I always feel like that when my own behavior deviates (taking naps). It could just be plain old exhaustion. Hormones. Anxiety.

And I have anxiety to spare. My kid is still having her little friends over daily and that comes with bickering, fibbing, tattling, demands for food…I don’t know how “normal” parents handle it. It just seems so rude to me to explain, “I only made enough (x for supper) for two people so maybe another night you can eat with us” and the same kid asks three more times. For an 11 year old, this is rude. Annoying.

This getting an extrovert child is karma biting me on the ass.

This morning she was prattling on as I drove her to school and  you simply do NOT ignore or delay Ms Spook. Well, she was demanding an answer to her question, I was distracted by traffic coming all ways and a bunch of teenagers waiting for their bus and goofing off…My brain got so confused I started to accelerate and nearly pulled in front of someone.

How the hell do y’all not bipolar parents haul these chatterboxes around? My kid is more of a threat than texting, eating, and fiddling with the radio dial simultaneously.

One thing for sure…The Pristiq, like every other anti depressant before, does FUCK ALL for my anxiety even if the studies claim otherwise.

I really thought I was going to regain my sanity with school starting back up.

Instead I just keep getting that damned 404 message.

It’s got me frustrated and feeling like maybe i am just this wretched, ungrateful never happy or satisfied monster.

Because to face the truth- that there is something wrong with my brain wiring thus expecting me to have standard issue responses and feelings is ridiculous- well, much easier to assume I’m just a brat.

404: Compassion Never Found.


And a Word From Our Sponsors…

Right so, hi. If you guys haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m the one that actually runs The Bipolar Blogger Network. In spite of having a nominal co-founder, it’s been me behind the curtain for… eesh, four and a half years now. I’ve seen people come and go, I’ve had to be ‘mean’ to some folk, kind to others, and often make people wait forever for responses  — sorry y’all, you seriously have no idea how much time and effort each evaluation takes. It takes awhile for me to find the spoons to do them, but I try to do them and do my best for everyone because I value my network, its bloggers, and its readers.

So you might guess how I felt when one of my best friends messaged me this:

 GP found dead after being suspended over bipolar disorder blog
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2016/aug/26/gp-found-dead-after-being-suspended-over-bipolar-disorder-blog

My heart clutched uncertainly at the headline — it couldn’t be who I thought it was. And then I read down… and it was. It was one of our network bloggers. Or former — she pulled herself from the network when the complaint happened. When that happened, I couldn’t imagine that it would lead to her death murder at the hands of stigma. I was merely sad to see someone who was sweet and friendly having to hide herself because of a silly person complaining (now a murderer).

According to the article, she died on the 24th of November. My last email from her was on the 11th of November. Of course, I’m sad. And angry. She, like so many of us, wanted to blog because it is great therapy. We have a great community amongst ourselves, filled with understanding and compassion, and freedom of speech means that we should have every freaking right to do that. Yes, she was a doctor, but how under the Light should that preclude her from wanting to write about herself? I’m soooo sorry it wasn’t something sexy or acceptable, but also, really? REALLY?! One thing that I love about the UK is that is generally a lot more tolerant of bipolar. We have organisations like Mind and Bipolar UK that do their best to provide support and spread awareness, and I have felt perfectly safe in my life and position.

But then, I wasn’t a doctor. I’m not in a position of ‘public trust’, per se. But here’s the thing — why should she as a doctor not ‘be allowed’ to candidly get things off of her mind? What possessed the person who thought that her ability to work should be questioned because she had a mental disorder, one that she was getting treatment for and doing her best to manage her work/life balance? Yes, bipolar can affect one’s quality of work, but so can a bad night’s sleep, a night on the drink, an argument with someone, anything. Should it mean she is incapable of being a doctor? Apparently, one out of one stigma-wielding patients says so.

I just. Ugh. This is part of why I write — I want to show that those of us with bipolar are people like anyone else. Sometimes we have it a bit (or a lot) worse because we have an exceptional set of circumstances to deal with. I have bipolar, yes, but I also have a beautiful and happy family. I have a job I can work from home. I have hobbies and friends. Wendy had all of these things too, less the job at the end. Someone let their fear rob her husband of a partner, her children of a mother. Someone let their fear rob a woman who loved her job of her job.

Someone has a lot to answer for. A part of me wishes I was an angrier, more vengeful person, one that would demand repayment in kind, Hammurabi-style. I’m not though. I hope this person, whomever they are, realise that actions have consequences, and that their actions rebounded severely. I hope that they think in future about stigma. I hope that people read about this, and think about how stigma kills. Because it does, and this woman’s only ‘sin’ was to want to write about her disorder.

Anyways, I’m going around in circles. I just had to get it off my chest because I’m flailing and upset. Goodbye, wychdoctor. Goodbye, Wendy. You are definitely missed.

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How Many Ways Can I Say Lazy?

I dropped off my youngest at school, came home, went to bed at 7:50, and just now got back up.  So I have nothing to write about, nothing to say today, nothing at all.  I wonder how I got this way.  I can’t even figure out what to fix for dinner tonight.  I can’t think of anything.  My mind is a blank.  I need to get in gear and take care of myself and my family. But something is keeping me from that.  And I don’t know what I can do about it.

I don’t remember that last time I felt this close to actual despair.  I’m not suicidal, but I’m just so totally down. I feel incapable today.  I’ve already done the biggest  part of my assignment for  class, but I still have to comment on other people’s contributions and I can’t think of anything to say.  At all.  I feel mute.

 


This Weeks “Caption This” Winner

This was, without a doubt, the most challenging week to come up with just one winner. It definitely was not just an “Okay that one, now I’m off to bed,” kind of choice. I went back and forth, back and forth and back and forth – but there can only be just one. Here is the picture that was posted on Wednesday:   The…

The post This Weeks “Caption This” Winner appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Almost Missed Posting

I was watching some TV and playing some WoW with hubby and lost track of time.  How am I feeling? Not great. Still feel like I am coming down with something and I made the mistake of smoking some weed last night, setting myself back some.

Tomorrow it is supposed to be all stormy while hubby is at work and I fucking hate it so much. I’m so terrified every time it happens.

At least tomorrow is Friday and I won’t have to be alone for a couple days.

Last night was fun though. I talked. A lot! I don’t do that very often, usually I am the one that just sits and nods and listens. I think it helped me some. You know in a therapeutic kind of way.

It was nice to have people around for a time and this weekend we are celebrating my MiL’s birthday.

 


Feeling bad? Do this!

Zumba! Literally one of the best antidepressants there is! And no side effects! And honey, my hips don’t lie! Haha. 


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