Read and think.
Read and think.
I am having an odd thing happen to me. When I wake up, I feel confident that the day will be a good day. THat feeling evaporates as the day goes by, no matter what objectively happens. I had a wonderful lunch with a friend today but I still feel awful now that I am back home. It’s been going on t he past few days, and I’m not sure why. I’m waking up better and not sleeping in, but as the day goes by I feel increasingly nervous and tired. I don’t have a lot going on, so I don’t think it has anything to do with what actually happens in my day–but it’s just an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that grows throughout the day.
I just don’t know what to do. I guess I could take Xanax late in the day and see what that does. WE will see.
Well, we shall see what this week brings:
I went to the regular doctor to get my cholesterol med refilled. According to her scale I have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I get officially weighed in tomorrow so we shall see. I have to stay on the diet firmly today.
My regular doctor is all over the Optifast diet. She says as I lose the weight, we will see my blood sugar and cholesterol just go down and down. She was really nice.
In the past, I have cried in her office due to my bipolar….and today I was nice and calm. I was very proud of myself. I think the CBT is helping.
Woke up in a good situation. Only a very light headache and no tummy troubles. I am fasting for a few hours till I get my blood drawn at the diet doctor. I also get weighed in. Will be interested to see how much weight I have lost. This has been a tough week on the diet trail.
Danny went to his new job orientation last night. At the last minute, he finds out he needs his social security CARD, not just the number. So we flipped our files upside down and came up with a color copy of it. They took this. Jeez! I don’t even know where my card is.
Today is his first day back to college. We are all on pins and needles to see how it goes.
I feel pretty good mentally today and I know it is because I feel decent physically. It’s hard to be enthused when you have a headache, diarrhea, a sick stomach, and are starving. I’m hoping that the attractive thing about this Optifast is that you lose weight fast.
Today’s plans are sort of basic: diet doctor, CBT doctor, and laundry. Tomorrow’s plans are even better: nothing! Well, I’ll probably come up with a few things.
Okay, official weigh in: 7.5 pounds in 2 weeks. As I write this in the afternoon, I am feeling much better physically.
Have my weekly support call with my friend in a few minutes. Woke up and it is really a good morning so far. No headache or tummy troubles.
My husband and I were talking yesterday about how my losing this weight could change my life. I think it is true. There are just so many positives to getting it off. I’m in a better place with it right now….food sort of looks good, but my stomach is too small to hold very much. I do eat a few pretzel nuggets here and there. They give me something to chew.
This Monday I am having lunch with my best friend from high school. The food will be a challenge. I think I might order half a sandwich and try to eat some of that. Maybe some turkey.
I need to get driving again. I was doing pretty well, but this last week since I have felt sick from the diet I have slacked off. I also have slacked off on exercise, so I know what I need to get done this week.
Danny had his first shift at work last night. No word yet on how it went. Thank god that kid is back in school.
I feel good mentally. Like I am in control and can handle most problems. The CBT has made a big difference for me. I might get down, but I can get right back up again fairly fast.
Today I am not doing much but a few errands. I plan to drive. I’ve got some quilting work to do. Hopefully, just a nice low-key day.
I am very proud of myself for sticking with this diet through the tough part. It’s easier as it goes. I pray the weight keeps coming off.
Re: above…I did drive all around on some errands. I want to keep driving with husband in the car and then next week start driving around on my own.
Cheated a bit on the diet. Ate a few mini-peppermint patties. But boy, they sure tasted good!
Got up and feel really good. Watching the Olympics. Looking forward to a really low-key day. Don’t think I will go anywhere…I have a few easy things to do around here.
Went to the department store and got my facial routine stuff. Men have it lucky. I got some exfoliating stuff, some cleanser, night and day moisturizer, and a gentle weekly peel. There are all kinds of other things: eye and face serums, more peels, more expensive creams, you name it. But I have a good start and I can give it all a try as this was one of my goals for this year.
Moving along on the Christmas quilt. Will put a picture up soon. (I’m sure you men can’t wait!)
Was lazy today and did not take my walk. This is not good as I am feeling better physically. I need to get back to the exercise.
Hope to get to church tomorrow.
Got up and felt really good…no headache. Went to the early church service and then stopped to see my husband’s uncle in a nursing home. We had a nice visit, but I started starving and needed to get home. I rushed in the door and had my shake, a few pretzels, and a jello cup.
I am starting to get excited about losing some weight. This will be my third week weigh-in on Thursday. It’s sort of fun to see where I am. My first test comes up tomorrow as I am having lunch out. I am also a little nervous about my stomach eating real food. I just plan on taking it slow and not eating too much. But I am determined to get used to going out and not letting the diet dictate my social life.
I plan on cleaning out some drawers, etc. in my bathroom and getting a shower. That’s about today. I feel normal. Thank god.
Drove to church and the nursing home and back home. Doing better on driving.
Slept really well and had a breakfast of a shake and lemonade. Nervous about driving alone to have lunch with my friend.
Feeling very normal and good. Not high at all, just capable.
Ate a tiny brownie, probably going to hell. I need to really get serious and not cheat on this diet. As they say “I am only cheating myself.” We leave Saturday for a visit to some friends and I know the food is going to be a challenge. I just plan on taking my shakes and doing the best I can.
Note in the afternoon: Drove all alone to lunch with friend….did fine. Need to keep driving alone for another two weeks and then plan a short stint on the freeway with husband in the car. Also good news: Danny reports he likes his new job. Relief!
Still cheating mildly on diet…not excited to get weighed in on Thursday. Am going to talk to therapist about it today.
Daughter was rear ended this morning. No damage to her or the car. Very lucky.
Love you all…see you next week:)
Tyler’s Story Tyler was in the fifth grade. He was a good natured kid; He was polite; He was kind; He never did anyone any harm; Tyler had one problem though – He was shy. That made him an easy target. One day, in the dead of winter, he was riding the school bus home when he started to be…
I prayed for change, so I changed my mind.
I prayed for guidance and learned to trust myself.
I prayed for happiness and realized I am not my ego.
I prayed for peace and learned to accept others unconditionally.
I prayed for abundance and realized my doubt kept it out.
I prayed for wealth and realized it is my health.
I prayed for a miracle and realized I am the miracle.
I prayed for a soul mate and realized I am the One.
I prayed for love and realized it’s always knocking, but I have to allow it in.
“Put your hand over the side of the boat / What do you feel?” Kate Bush, “The Coral Room”
Warnings: Grief, cat tray as metaphor, & potentially graphic descriptions of feline behaviour.
Unlike Kate, I can’t hear my mother singing. Not just now, at least. But I get it, Kate, I really do, about the damage that time can do, and inevitably does, to us all.
What do we do when grief & mental health bite? I don’t mean a few bramble scratch sized upsets, but those times when the jungle just keeps on shredding us, over and over again. I’m talking gut-wrenching despair: the kind that results in snot, and sobs, and one hell of a headache. When you want your mother, even though you know a) oh yeah, adult now, b) she’s long dead, and c) what the hell could she have done, anyway?
Emotions can be messy, troubling, and often ugly. How do we hold out for the beauty, the joy, that our rational hearts know existed, are still there, and will happen again? For those moments of pleasure?
Faced with early stage breast cancer, I didn’t exactly sail through, but all things considered, it was pretty smooth. But possible job loss, that bites to the bone.
If you’ve ever had a cat, you’ve probably had a cat tray in your house. Cleaning them has never been my favourite chore, especially when we had multiple felines.
It can get messy in there.
Generally, cats bury their shit. I’ve known at least one that sometimes hung about in the tray, especially when we had a covered one. I think it was Thomas “The Rhymer” Cat, who was as sweet as he was thick, and bizarrely brave for such a wee scrap of a lad cat.
Sometimes it seems like all I do with my mental health problems is bury my shit, then sit in the shitty cat tray, and stare up at the sky.
But the shit’s still there. And I’m not shoveling it.
Just now, the shite I have to deal with includes a Personal Independence Payment (PIP) form; collecting contact numbers, on account of stupidly losing my phone; a bit of back pain, and possible job loss.
Writing this helped me understand that it isn’t just a question of whether I’ll soon be standing in the dole queue at 57, bipolar, and with multiple ward admissions in my messy past. Beyond all that, it’s about loss. Once more it’s about grief.
Despite feeling I don’t and never will fit in, my work colleagues have become part of my extended family. My work place, another home.
“There is no loss without love”
Sometimes, I talk to clients about mindfulness. Because I’m simple, I keep it simple: concentrate on the here, and the now. Much as I love Doctor Who, and time travel, I know it’s not possible to go back, and change history. It’s done. Likewise the future, although it can be scary, and can to a certain extent be planned for, isn’t here yet.
It’s a question of acceptance. And accepting a situation, as I keep reminding them, and myself, does not necessarily mean liking it.
Maybe I’ll lose that extended family, that second home. Maybe I won’t. All I can do is appreciate what I have, whilst I have it.
For now, I’ll try looking at the sky, and not sitting on speculative shit.
“Time will tell, it usually does” – the Seventh Doctor
I was checking out some music videos tonight and came across the one at the end of this post from last year’s season of “America’s Got Talent”. I remember seeing this young woman sing but had forgotten her story. Anna … Continue reading
I feel horrible. Physically and emotionally. I’ve had the chills on and off today. I slept until 1:30pm and got nothing accomplished.
I feel like shit.
I’m so depressed again. I hate it so much.
I have no motivation.