Daily Archives: August 20, 2016

Don’t Even Know

Don’t even know if I have been posting daily or not. I’ve been pretty much high morning til night. I hope I haven’t missed too much. I run out later tonight and then I am not getting any until mom comes for a visit in October.  That’ll be a decent break.


Dr. Flaky Is Trying To Un-Fire Herself

Well Dr. Flaky played the “I’m sorry and I own EVERYTHING card” with me, as well as the “Please will you reconsider” card.  TWO CARDS THAT I AM A TOTAL SUCKER FOR.  The thing is, Dr. Flaky “might” get her shit together and do all the things I said need to be done in order for me to be able to be an effective assistant for her.  Or, she might just charm me back and keep with her chaotic ways.  It’s a total crapshoot.  But, since I need the money and the work, I’m probably going to take the chance.

In my own personal chaos news, my Dad is in the hospital AGAIN.  This time might REALLY be IT.  He is a long-time sufferer of Pulmonary Fibrosis, a progressive disease which causes scarring on the lungs to the point that you just can’t breathe, and die.  Secondly, he has c-diff, a terrible toxin in the colin that causes your insides to liquidate and seep out in diarrhea.  Poor old guy has already lost ten pounds he couldn’t afford to lose.  Third, he has sepsis (a bacterial infection of the blood) from the c-diff.  FOURTH, he has an injured left shoulder that is so bad, you can’t even touch it and is on cancer-level painkillers for that.  In short, Dad is a mess, and he is so weak, I don’t know if he can come back from this.  We initially called 911 yesterday because he couldn’t stand up off the couch, so we couldn’t even take him to the hospital ourselves, because we couldn’t help him up with all his aches and pains.  (INAPPROPRIATE SIDE NOTE:  You should have SEEN the hot hunky firefighters!!  GodDAMN my clothes nearly FELL OFF!!!)

This is very, very painful to see my Dad so weak and in pain and I’ve gone into Supergirl Cope Mode (the crash will come) and am spending the nights at the hospital so that my poor fragile mother won’t sleep there, and subsequently fall apart herself.

On top of this, my dear Uncle Preston died last Monday.  We were making preparations to go to Montana for the funeral this Thursday, driving straight through with my crazy aunt in tow, which I was dreading because she is not so much crazy as she is self-absorbed to the most severe extent (called my Mom while we were in the emergency room to tell her all about her physical therapy and how well it’s going, couldn’t give a fuck that Mom was IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WITH MY DAD!), etc.  She is more a crazy-making aunt.  Everyone around her goes bonkers trying to tolerate her.  And I was going to have to share a hotel room with her.  Also, I was asked to sing at the funeral and I have terrible stage fright.  So, mixed feelings about probably not going to Uncle Peppy’s funeral.

So, in summary, my life has slid into chaos.  Send spoons!!!  I will deal with this on an hour-by-hour basis.  I will not blow up at anyone.  I will not start smoking again.  I will not end up in the psych hospital.  I hope my Dad lives.  I guess that is all.  Hope you are having a much better weekend than I.

 

 


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Death, Bipolar and Work Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

BREAKING: Local Resident Comes Out as Non-Binary, World Doesn’t End

OAKLAND, CA – Residents are profoundly underwhelmed today after an Oakland resident, Tyler May, announced their non-binary gender identity. What was expected to be the literal end of times, residents say that they were shocked to find that the event has had little to no impact on their daily lives.

“I said over and over again that acknowledging more than two genders would signal the apocalypse,” a local cisgender man explained. “But then nothing happened. Literally. Nothing.”

“I had designed a bomb shelter and stocked it up with canned goods for the next five years,” another resident said. “Come to find out, all Tyler wants is for us to switch pronouns.”

Many locals had believed that by in any way challenging the gender binary, it would spontaneously combust, resulting in widespread fires and a complete breakdown of the social order.

But to the surprise of residents, some are beginning to speculate that someone else’s gender may actually be none of their business, and that when identities are mutually respected, the lives of residents may actually improve.

“This might sound wild,” one resident said, struggling to grasp the words coming out of his mouth. “It’s almost like… if we treat others the way we want to be treated, things are… better?”

Still, some residents are disappointed, seeming to prefer conflict.

“I’m a real transgender person, a transgender man,” one resident exclaimed proudly. “I don’t believe in this non-binary thing. I think it’s just a ploy for attention. I’ve talked about this at length on my blog, YouTube channel, Snapchat, Twitter, and Tumblr!”

Pulling the microphone closer to him and smiling, he added, “Is this being broadcast? Is this going to be online?”

Other transgender residents felt similarly. “I find it insulting that they can just identify with a gender they weren’t assigned,” a transgender woman explained. “Like, who do you think you are?”

“It’s almost like someone’s gender has no bearing on my life,” another cis resident complained.

Cisgender and transgender residents alike agreed that they had hoped for more chaos or at least something to live tweet about.

“Tyler tweeted that they were non-binary,” a cisgender resident recalled with horror. “And then everything stayed the same. No pyrotechnics, no street fighting, nothing.”

With tears streaming down his face, a cis man quietly explained, “They said who they were, and nothing happened to me.”

“Naturally, I started to wonder about their genitals, how they have sex, what bathroom they go in,” a cis woman explained. “But then my friends told me I was being inappropriate.”

Pulling a pocket mirror out of her purse and gazing into it, she whispered, “Am I… a creep?”

Perhaps the most devastating part of this experience was the introspection that transpired after Tyler May explained their identity. Many residents were visibly distressed after reconsidering the idea that two genders could really encompass the complexity of the human experience.

“It’s too much, it’s just too much,” one cisgender man explained, tearing at the hair on his head. “What’s next, telling me that I’m my own individual, not defined by the presence of a penis?”

Asked what they thought of their neighbors’ reactions, Tyler May looked bewildered. “Why do they care how I identify?” Shaking their head, they added, “People are so weird.”


30 Days of Sandy Sue Altered: 26

Live Better

People Who Adore You

Absence of Fences

Your Dreams Miss You

Don't Go Back To Sleep

Hope For The Best


Mean Bipolar Downswings: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself! by Julie Fast.

I just read this blogpost by my friend Julie Fast. It seems like she has read my mind and put down exactly how I’m feeling right now! Totally negative, about everything, it feels pretty bad! Will try all in my power to get over this blast of negativity, and get back to my positive, real self. Thank you Julie for posting this! XXXOOO

“When overwhelmed, negative mood swings arrive, they can bring out some very unsavory behavior. 1. No table at a restaurant pleases. 2. No food tastes good. 3. Driving causes road rage.  4. Life feels very difficult. 5. It’s hard to find a comfortable place to sit. 6. Work is scattered. 7. The body is out of whack. 8. People get on the nerves. 9. Life is too busy. 10. We want a different life.  When I have one of these mood swings, I recognize that I’m overwhelmed and I take action. It usually takes me hours to get myself to calm down and those are often lost hours. I have to stop myself from driving randomly. I will park, go in a place, feel uncomfortable and leave over and over again if I let myself. I will eat sugar to feel better and to calm down. I will snap at people and yell and scream and pedestrians who do something stupid. I don’t want to be this person, so I check myself before I wreck myself. Julie”

Source: Mean Bipolar Downswings: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself!


Reblog – Great Way to Start Your Friday (1:52)

Originally posted on DREAM BIG DREAM OFTEN:
? A short cute video to kick off your Friday!

And The Winner Is…

Ready. Set. Sail! Good news everyone, I have finally picked a winner for the Featured Blogger Contest! Believe me, it was a REAL CONTEST!! The entries dealt with stigma, suicide, depression, mania, anxiety, and family: all key issues in the mental health realm. I was amazed and happy for the thought-provoking and beautifully written and… More And The Winner Is…

Willfulness in the Face of Necessary Medication

Anxiety and frequent panic attacks have been the menu du jour for weeks, now.  I have had my Klonopin prescribed as a scheduled medication, have had the med treater add Xanax as a PRN, and have been trying various and different DBT skills.  Very little works.  It probably works a lot less, because I am not very compliant with taking three to four Klonopin per day at scheduled times, nor allowing myself to take any of the Xanax that have been prescribed.  I have tried explaining it to my therapist, the not wanting to take more and more medication, the not wanting to become a “Klonopin whore,” the not wanting to start an addiction (because life is rough enough with *just* your regular, garden-variety mental illnesses to combat every day).

This has been a “problem” for me over the years — my distaste for (what I see as) excessive use of addictive pharmaceuticals, and, in general, not wanting to let myself just be numbed out day after day.  Is it better to suffer the multiple-times-daily breakdowns, than it is to just take a wee bit of Klonopin here and there?  My brain and heart are in a battle over it.  Those who know me best, who see me on a regular basis, they plead with me just to take a Klonopin.  Why am I being so willful, over some damn Klonopin?  Just take one!  It won’t hurt!

I have had years worth of numbing myself out with various psychiatric medications, a very brief (very, very brief) relationship with marijuana in college, and a couple very short-lived love affairs with alcohol over my 35 years.  I say “No, thank you,” to all of it.  It may seem strange, like, “what Rosa, you don’t want to get some peace?  Even your med provider thinks it is a good idea!” but it is a different scenario in my mind.  I will never go back to alcohol, to marijuana, to popping this pill and that in the hopes that I will get a bit of relief.  I never let it get to a point where it destroys my life, but I have seen so many other lives destroyed by chemical dependency, and so it is very easy for me to say, “no, not for me.”

Could I just take a little bit of Klonopin here, a tiny nibble of Xanax there, and be just fine?  Yes, probably so.  I have a hard time justifying my refusal to take medications that are prescribed to me, and I revealed to my therapist this week that, really, what is behind this refusal to take medications is the thought, the feeling, that maybe I don’t feel I should be taking ANY medications.  Maybe I don’t really have bipolar disorder, maybe I can be one of those people with bipolar disorder that does not NEED medication, but can manage things with a strict schedule and diet and exercise and meditation.  Maybe I am meant to be medication-free.

At the exact moment these words come to my mouth, I know they are untrue.  I quickly scan through the years that I tried just that, to treat my bipolar disorder without medication, and just how very dangerous it was for me.  How many terrible situations I landed myself in, how I barely made it through living in the big city alive, how I hardly escaped not one but multiple abusive relationships, how the thoughts of wanting to die and dancing on the edge of the Earth with death and Satan, himself, were a daily occurrence.

So, yes, I am prescribed quite the boatload of psychotropic medication.  I don’t want to take it, but I will keep doing so because I know in the wisest part of wise mind, that it is that medication that is making me “stable enough” to exist as I am.  I will think some more about the Klonopin and the Xanax, and eventually the daily breakdowns will become too exhausting to continue, and I might try taking some.  I won’t like it, and I will worry that I am doping myself into a corner, about becoming a Klonopin-whore  but it is quite possible that a little bit of Klonopin and Xanax thrown down my gullet on a semi-regular basis will decrease the multiple daily breakdowns, and that is something that needs to happen.

mistake

 

 


Filed under: Neuroticism Tagged: addiction, anxiety, bipolar disorder, medication, medication compliance, mental health, mental illness, panic attack, psychotropic medication, PTSD, symptoms, willfulness