Daily Archives: August 16, 2016

I Got Nothing

I was going to post some scientific research about similarities in schizophrenia and autism, but decided not to (Read it here if you’d like: Autism, Schizophrenia,Epilepsy, Dementia .) Then I was going to write something, anything, as a post, but have nothing. Not sad, not happy, just have a little ball of dread lodged in my solar plexus. Besides that, nothing.

Finished reading the “Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy” book. Hilarious, and she is so hilariously incompetent that anyone would feel better after reading it. Maybe that’s the reason for her popularity… But really, really funny book. Highly recommend it!

BJ

Got five more books from my favorite bookstore in the Highlands, haven’t started reading them though. One of them is the earlier writings of Jane Austen known as Juvenilia! I didn’t think there was anything by Jane Austen in existence that I hadn’t read! But there is, and very excited, will start reading it tonight:-)

Jane Austen Juvenilia

Worried about my son, haha, of course worried about my son. I know I shouldn’t worry about him, he is intelligent and capable and he is going to pass the Bar and find a job and take responsibility for himself and his life. May he have a beloved, happy, healthy life, doing what he loves to do. That’s the prayer of a mother’s heart.

A 1 A 3A 2

Politics have been absolutely appalling, but since Hillary is slated to win by 88%, I can relax about that, whew! I hope! Still have to get my KY license, have a spare NY license so will always have that:-)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/hillary-clinton-could-win-in-a-landslide_us_57b1ae13e4b071840411d76c

Been going to Zumba, so FUN! A smile never leaves my face when I’m doing Zumba!

Hope to have something more inspiring shortly…


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Trying To Make The Best of It

I’m trying to surrender my circumstances to God today.  Not trying to surrender to bipolar disorder, but surrender to God that he can help me through bipolar disorder. I don’t know how else to talk about it.  I’ve been under attack with obsessions all morning.  I know where it takes me to give in to those and I am trying so hard to fight.   But I’m nor sure how much fight I have in me anymore.  I’m more hopeful than last week but still  not where I need to be to get where I want to be.  I’m listening to calming music this afternoon; I’m trying not to feed the obsessions.  Part of me just wants to lie down and stay in a fantasy world and not come out.    But I can’t do that. There lies madness:)

So think about me this week as I get ready to send my oldest off to college again.  I want her to go and grow up. I need  for her to.

I’ve been listening and watching old Elvis clips on You Tube.  Such a country boy who charmed millions with his music. He would have been I think 81 this year had he not died today in 1977 at 42.  He needed nothing but his guitar to make the biggest splash in music the world has ever known.  I still remember when he died–I was seven years old and my mom heard it on the radio late in the day.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood lately.  Trying to write about it with varying degrees of success.  I don’t miss it–there was plenty about it I’d rather not repeat.  But I get sad thinking about it and how old I am now and how much some things have changed for me and my children but not really much has changed for my parents.  My folks have an old laptop and. a tablet and a smart phone, and that is about all the concession they’ve made to the modern world.   Those are all my mom’s toys–my daddy loves the old things much more than the modern ones. I’m kind of like my daddy in that–I still don’t have a smartphone. :).

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My Body Changes

I took my pills. I took them reluctantly. I took them in spite. But I took them. And I’ll go ahead and try to keep taking them. I don’t want to but what you guys said is right. Those of you who commented or messaged/emailed me trying to talk some sense into me helped me… More My Body Changes

Goals: A Year Away

goal

So a couple of weeks ago I got depressed over some of the stuff in my blog. A year ago in August and then TWO years ago in August, my life had not changed much. Sort of two wasted years.

So my talk therapist said “Let’s make a list of goals…how you would like your life to look next August?”

I worked on the list and this is what I came up with so far:

-taking physical health issues in stride using CBT (no crying at the doctor’s).

-taking some classes in things to improve or learn new skills: quilting, line dancing, bowling, cooking. I am hoping to find some healthy/ diabetic cooking classes so I could entertain people with a dinner party, etc.

-starting a face/ skin care routine

-going to the vast majority of parties and events I am invited to

-rarely cancelling on an appointment or social activity

-losing 50 pounds (8 pounds a month)

-going on a major trip (New Orleans)? Using CBT to help with fear of flying

-driving around town freely, including freeways and at night

-learning to use the DVR’s in the den and bedroom

-only using Klonopin prn

-get financial info from husband: how to handle checking, retirement accounts, pension, disability, etc.

-3 sessions of 45 min walking per week (treadmill or neighborhood)

-2 yoga classes a week

-volunteer once a week somewhere

-do more one-time things at church, such as dinners or volunteer work

-try three new spas

-dress up more when going out of the house

-staying alone as long as needed without calling husband because I am nervous

That’s what I came up with.

Thurs:

Well, today is a big deal! Danny has a job interview this afternoon. I am really hoping he gets it. If he does, we will have him settled in two areas: school and work. The third area is finding him a place to live. (Our house is his temporary landing pad, but we are all hoping for an apartment somewhere.)

Went to the diet doctor and lost 3 pounds. Wished it was more but it is a start. I have 20 days to lose another 5 to hit my goal of eight per month. I have been cheating here and there with bread and peanut butter, but I am really hungry. Just keep plugging along I guess.

Fri:

Good news! Danny got the job! He starts next week. Whew!

Feeling pretty tired this morning. Not depressed, just worn out.

Saw my CBT therapist yesterday. We decided I need to get practicing on the driving more. I am doing really well on riding without fear. I plan on driving a couple of places ALONE in the next few days.

Sat:

Am absolutely starving! I am ready to chew my arm off. My doctor on this liquid diet says 70% of people have no hunger. Well, I must be in the 30%. My husband says the real issue is my med, Rexulti, which causes hunger and weight gain. I feel a little overwhelmed with the whole thing. But I am just desperate to stand on that scale next Thursday and have lost 2 or 3 pounds. I’m allowed to have chicken broth and that helps.

Our upstairs air conditioner is out. So we are all camping downstairs. I am happy as a clam on my couch. It will take a few days to get the parts to fix it. Thank god fans were invented.

I am going to a meeting at church today. A good sign that I am feeling better.

Had a friend over to watch more Olympics last night. One of my goals for next August is a skin care routine. This friend sells cosmetics at a department store and I like one of the brands there. So I’m going in Tuesday to add a product or two to my skin. It certainly could use it. I’ll just start using it a bit and gradually build up. It’s a good goal.

I thought of a new goal….social media. I am not on any. I don’t know how to use it too well. I really hate Facebook. So I was thinking maybe I could learn to use Instagram or something. Maybe I could use something on this blog. I have no idea. Or I could learn to tweet. Am I too old?

Sun:

One of those really tired days I have. Yesterday I kept up pretty well…. I went to the church meeting (it was ultra dull), and took Danny out to get his pants and shoes for his new job. I think we have Danny set for school and work, except for his books.

I woke up with a mild headache but took some Tylenol and drank some chicken broth. Just feeling worn out. Unloaded the dishwasher but haven’t loaded it yet.

Feeling good mentally, but still having some issues with this liquid diet. Had a very sick tummy yesterday. Just kept sipping water and doing deep breathing. I REALLY want to hold on and stabilize on this Optifast. Losing the weight is just so important.

We’ll see how I am doing tomorrow.

Mon:

It’s 11 am and not too great of a day so far. I’m glad I had nothing really scheduled for today.

I woke up with a headache again. I know it is somehow connected to the liquid diet. I got online and read about carb withdrawal and caffeine withdrawal. I am also suffering from nausea.

I’m frustrated. I knew I’d have to basically go without food and my life would change but I didn’t sign up for the headache, diarrhea, and nausea. I am hoping desperately that some of this is just an adjustment period. This is Day 11, though, and I’d think I’d be settled down by now.

My Optifast doctor is okay but he is not the most sympathetic. Which is irritating as his services are totally out of pocket.

My 28 year old daughter is on a complaining kick. She doesn’t think she is paid enough (she is a teacher) and she doesn’t think she has enough friends. However, from my end, she doesn’t make much effort to make friends. I just have my plate full without listening to her. She says she wants to move out of state where teachers make more money. I would miss her, but I think she needs to do what is right for her. Sigh.

So I am an unhappy camper today. I am going to ask in my prayers to simply wake up with no headache tomorrow. Just something simple.

Tues:

Well, God answers prayer but I wasn’t specific enough. I did not wake up with a headache but DID wake up with serious abdominal pain. Now the doctor thinks I may be lactose intolerant. That’s a surprise as I always drank milk, etc. with no problems. What a mess!

When I feel physically down, I get mentally down really fast. I seem to get stuck in a mindset where I will always be sick and never feel better. This makes me feel hopeless.

I just feel overwhelmed today.

let’s hope next week stays good all the way through….

lily

I Interrupt This Mental Health Blog For…a political statement

I was wakened this morning by a text from my friend R with what was supposed to be a humorous yet disparaging comment about the recent leak of info that occurred to Nancy Pelosi and other politicians.

Reading what happened with this leak (leaked on a wordpress blog, no less, how soon before the hatemongers and idgets rob us of our safe haven here) made me even less amused with my friend. For months he has clobbered me with his pro-Trump, “Hillary is Satan” views. To the point of calling me a moron, telling me I have my head up my ass, am uninformed, am duped by mass media…

NO.

What I am is a person who does not believe in hate. I don’t believe in spreading it. I don’t believe in fanning the flames. Both sides of this Presidential race have their flaws, their corruptions, their utterly reprehensible behaviors and views…I simply won’t sink to their level and declare all Republicans evil or all democrats the devil. I won’t endorse building a wall to keep out “foreigners” nor will I say I am enthused with how the email scandal with Hillary was handled.

I simply won’t be reduced to a cog in the hate machine.

Me beliefs are what my guide me. I believe in choice. Freedom. The right to stand behind what resonates with me. Until this current election, my differing views have  never caused my friend R to belittle me.

What does that say about the theme of the Republican faction? Filled with so much hate it can turn friend against friend.

I am not calling for anyone to vote either way.

I am imploring that every one make their own educated choices on what to vote for, what to stand for, and please…

DON’T LET IT BE HATRED.

Leaks, privacy invasions, putting at risk undercover operatives, wearing t-shirts with hateful messages, inciting violence…

This is not patriotism. This is not political. This is setting us back as a people to little more than cavemen.

You can believe in something without allowing it to transform you into a hatemongering, cruel husk of a human.

That is all that I will be saying.

Hatred simply is not patriotic no matter what faction is spewing it.

 


My Time Management Sucks

Where Does my Time Go? Hours in a day – 24 hours Sleep Time – 7 hours Novel Writing – 5 hours Blog Surfing – 2 hours Reading – 2 hours Miscellaneous Time Left – 8 hours Managing Sleep Time My time management sucks. The hours above are how I try to balance my day and I don’t think any…

The post My Time Management Sucks appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

A Deprived, Camera-shy Girl

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A snazzy photographer who I met last week smugly smirked at me when I told her my dog is camera-shy.  She tried all sorts of kiddie-photography ploys, to no avail. 

All she got were blurry action shots like this one:  Hi-ho Silver, awaaaay!

I wanted to catch her sleep, one red Kong in her mouth, two more within easy reach, a couple of rope toys for comfort….all while within nudging distance of me, while I was washing and tidying in preparation for today’s push on to the Land of Cleve.

She has radar for cameras.  She reminds me of the crusty Nova Scotian fisherman who said to some tourist who was aiming his expensive camera at this guy who was preparing to cast off his dingy:

“You snap that jeezely thing at me, and I’ll shove it down your jeezely throat!”


30 Days of Sandy Sue Altered: 22

Lotharios

Purveyor of Fantasy

A Wife Too Many

Man-Boy


Ask Already

Bipolar Mind

ψ

I forget that neuro-normals don’t always know how to bring crazy into a conversation.  I also know other folks with mental illness aren’t always as open as I am (i.e. in-your-face TMI) and have real reasons to keep their condition private.  So I grok that asking me how I am might be intimidating.  Old taboos, stigma, Midwestern Nice—for whatever reason, some folks are more comfortable asking other people how I am.

My sister told me about one mutual friend who said, “I know I’m not supposed to ask, but…”

Whaaaaa?

I guess it’s possible, during one of my Swampy Brain days, that I might have sprayed venom like a velociraptor if a human being invaded my space (which varies depending on the amount of Swamp).  Or muttered an F-word-laced answer to a direct question.  Or maybe just burst into tears.  It’s possible.

Gosh, I hope not.  I want people to ask after me—especially on those Everglades days.  When my hold on Reality is shakiest, I need to know people haven’t written me off or (horrors!) forgotten about me.  Kindness makes me cry, but I hope that isn’t a deterrent.

Come to think of it, inquiring directly about my state of mind could get pretty messy what with all the spittle, and weepage, and colorful expletives.  It might take someone with a HAZMAT suit and no sense of propriety.

I can live with second-hand concern.  I’m still touched by it.  And I apologize if a squirting, prehistoric potty-mouth responded to anyone’s approach.  I hope they try again.  I’ll use my words next time.


Admitting Your Wrong Changes Nothing

You are still wrong if you don’t do something to change it right? You can admit it till the cows come home, big deal.

Smoking the weed and it working on my depression medication and fucking it up, but like I said what am I going to do about it.