Daily Archives: August 15, 2016
Ready. Set. Sail! I just spent probably 2 hours crying into my hands so I’m not in the best shape to talk right now but I just got some news to share with you guys. Bear with me. I just met my new pdoc today. He is really nice and I already like him. We… More Over Bipolar Disorder
First of all, I must apologize for my lack of posts over the last couple of weeks. I have been dealing with a lot of acute pain on top of my normal chronic levels and it seems to drain me … Continue reading
So a relative gave me kid cash for her birthday and it took me several days to work up the gumption to take her shopping. Because, ya know…she only wanted to go to that one hellish place mommy can’t stand. Wal fricking Mart. I figured, early on a Sunday, people would be at a church, not too busy…I was wrong. Even all the self check out things were full. And as we stood in line for her to shell out twenty bucks on these tiny plastic Shopkins…I felt like the walls were closing in. Panic turned to hostility. I muttered, “Next time I come here, remind me to watch an episode of Superstore first so I will be in good humor.”
It boggles the mind because I can handle a mall better than Wal-Mart. We went to Best Buy with Mrs. R last year and I handled it better than I do a super Wal-Mart. I just…When we had the smaller store and it wasn’t six miles out, I would wander the stationery aisles at 3 a.m., talk to the fish in their aquariums, I wasn’t terrified (except on Black Friday and frankly, a sane person should be terrified of any store on that day). 9 years ago we got this relocated superstore and since then…I loathe going there for any reason. I am always looking for logical reasons. Maybe the overhead flourescent lights set me off. Maybe walking too far combines with the panic and I hyperventilate. Or maybe I’m just a nutbar.
Aside from my extreme anxiety, it was a quiet weekend without too much blackened mood. Spook at supper at Bella’s the other night and after a month of hearing about her loose tooth..it finally came out. Eating spaghetti.
So last night to reciprocate, I let Bella eat with us, then took them to the store for candy. (Spook couldn’t wait to spend that tooth fairy money, though she debates whether it was a real dollar since the fairy only had silver coins. Way to teach basic math, school system.)
Today I am just…On edge, waiting for this whole “start of school” thing to get underway. Thursday night we take the supplies in and meet the teacher, see the classroom, et al. I am getting better with that sort of thing. I still get physically ill and sweaty beforehand, but knowing it’s 20 minutes of my life, tops…I power through then spend three days with gastric agony from the anxiety.
And always, when reviewed, the disability people want to know, How does your condition impact your day to day life?
There are times I wish I’d never gotten medicated or had therapy. I was more erratic but I managed to have fun then on occasion. Now…Life feels like existence and survival and fun is just dangerous because it could mean I am going manic or making bad choices…The self doubt all that therapy filled me with is crippling.
At the same time…that version of me would have been mother from hell, so I guess I got to this point because I need to be here. Just kind of bums me out that I am so medicated I can’t feel much of anything positive.
Being so anxious you’re scared to live, scared to trust yourself to live lest it be a symptom of your wonky brain…This state of being is not at all benign. This is malignant.
I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder almost a year ago, and I can’t believe I haven’t received one single card consoling me about this.
Oh wait, yes I can, because greeting cards about mental illness are SUPER WEIRD.
I should have known this was a thing. I really, really should have known. Card companies make cards for everything! I could probably find a “Congratulations to Your Twin Girls on Third Grade Graduation” if I wanted to. But mental illness?? There’s a line somewhere, and this is over it. It would be like having a “Sympathy – Humorous” section in a card store. It doesn’t belong.
Here’s the link (please don’t buy these) and a few of the best (worst?) ones. http://hopestreetcards.com.au/collections/all
If I got a mental illness card, I would probably open it and then look really confused. I would look around to see if someone was secretly filming me (I frequently do this during “Is this really happening?” moments). Then I would read the card and think, “Thanks a lot, you. I was having a really good day. Now I had to be reminded of my crazy, and also I have to absorb your sympathy at my plight. I don’t want sympathy; I want to be treated like a normal human.” Here are people who are allowed to treat me like a crazy person:
- My psychiatrist
- My husband, only when I’m being literally delusional. And it will still make me mad.
You’re not on that list? Then don’t buy me these freaky cards! Even if you’re on that list, I don’t want the freaky cards! I mean, WHY WERE THESE EVEN INVENTED?!
What’s next? Hallmark might capitalize on it! First they invented Valentine’s Day…then Sweetest Day…next we’ll have “Crazy Person Day.” You can celebrate by watching Psycho and sending greeting cards to your favorite nutters. Maybe on Crazy Person Day, you can have your copay waived for inpatient psychiatric treatments! Can I request that this holiday also include candy like Halloween does? Now there’s a good holiday, but what a shame that people aren’t allowed to celebrate as non-reproductive adults. I may or may not have considered having a child to capitalize on trick-or-treating once again. If we can just tack that on to our new Crazy Person holiday, then I can skip the inconvenience of labor. I might even be okay with the people who made these strange cards. Until then…I know I’m not normal. If I’m not going to get candy out of the deal, please treat me like you’d treat anyone else. If you’re a nice person, though, maybe you’d just give everyone candy. My favorite is Sour Patch Kids.
I feel much more positive this morning than I did last week. Maybe I finally got enough sleep. I feel calmer and happier. Bob is feeling better so I’m sure that is improving my mental state.
One more week before my oldest heads out to college. Junior year. So amazing. I’m excited for her in that she is going to really start digging into her major this year and find out if it’s what she really wants to do. She sounds positive about it and always has. Her sister is going to another college visit the day after Labor Day, so that will be interesting. I just hope she makes the best decision for herself. SHe’s going to try the ACT one more time before scholarships are due and see how that turns out for her. I think it’s silly, but she said the engineering people said she needs to make at least a 34 for qualify for some of the better scholarships. SO she needs one more point. We wiil see,
I’ve written just a little bit this weekend, mostly about my childhood. About having a big family all close by and how we made it together, that sort of thing. I’m not sure what I’m doing except it will likely land in my memoir in some fashion. But at least something is coming out finally.
Mood Last week can best be described as uncomfortable. No mania and no major depression, but I did have mild depression that felt like it was crawling under my skin and would not go away. I also struggled with ongoing feeling of “less than.” I was able to function, but it was exhausting. Externally I don’t believe it was noticeable.…
I think this is a terrible idea. Cutsie cards for someone who has just survived a suicide attempt? Gaaaah! Makes me want to…to…I don’t know what.
Everybody’s different. Some people might welcome the “I don’t know what to say because I’ve never been there, so I’ll make this well-intentioned gesture” type of thing.
Seriously, maybe it’s just my general recluse Boo Radley personality, that I don’t love the idea of “mental health cards.”
By the way, do you know how the switch from saying someone has a mental illness to saying they have “mental health” came about?
Me neither. It galls me worse than seeing glaring typos show up in publications that were supposedly edited and proofread. (Oops, now watch me make a copy blooper😜) Mental illness is not mental health: it’s the opposite.
Who the hell would send someone who had just survived a car crash, spent a month in ICU, and lost half their brain function, a card that read, “If I covered a dozen pink fairies in milk chocolate and fed them to you one by one in a bower of bright red roses while listening to soothing hip-hop music, would that help?” (Bet you didn’t know I once tried to make a living writing crappy ad copy for crappy gift catalogs at 50¢ a line….)
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just an old fuddy-duddy, but I would much prefer the buckets and buckets of delicious chicken soup prepared for me by my neighbors in Jerusalem whenever I got sick with anything at all. Once, I came home from the hospital after a bout of intestinal badness to find that my rabbi’s wife, who had a million children, no time, and no money, had made me a huge thing of homemade almond milk. I cried and cried, because I had lost 30 pounds from shitting out everything that I tried to put in, and her heavenly nectar actually absorbed! I could feel the love and life flowing into my blood as I sipped it.
So yes to the chicken soup, and hold the cutsie cards, please. But that’s me. Call me Grumpy.
How about you? Check out the article and let me know your thoughts!
Wednesday I took an 8-hour course in Mental Health First Aid. There were 14 participants, 11 of whom already worked with clients in a professional capacity such as school guidance counselors and case managers at a women’s shelter. Two others were also psychology majors, but they are about to complete their degrees. I was the […]