Daily Archives: August 11, 2016

The Funeral and Other Things

We laid Will to rest Monday in an (almost) perfect funeral Mass. My older son delivered the most beautiful eulogy I’ve ever heard, and I’ve never been so proud of him as I am now. The music and Scriptures I chose flowed together better than I thought; the flowers were gorgeous, and the dessert reception was wonderful.

For my part, I was more or less OK until the very end of the Mass, and then I lost it. I didn’t sob or scream, but I was near it for a few minutes and only sheer force of will saved me. It all seemed so…final.

As indeed it is. The realization that Will is really gone has hit me like a ton of bricks, and I spend a lot of time in tears or close to it. I hate crying. I know it’s perfectly normal and even necessary, but it’s distressing to be fine one minute and weeping the next. I feel overwhelmed by everything I need to do—cancel doctor appointments, apply for the Social Security death benefit, figure out how to get Medicare Part D so my meds don’t cost me hundreds of dollars like they do now that Medicaid has run out. Talk about sticker shock! I’ve paid over $600 for just this month alone, and I can’t even afford all of them. Needless to say, this is a bad time to go without even one of my psych meds, and I hope I can remain stable.

But even though I’m hurting, I am thankful beyond words for the support system I have. My family and my many friends have been here for me in ways I never expected, and I know their prayers are heard because despite my pain, I feel very much loved. It’s not the same as being loved by a good husband, but Will and I had thirty-six years together and the last three were the best, even though we lived under the shadow of cancer the entire time. That love will never die…and it will sustain me for the rest of my days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*pokes head up*

Why, hello there,

Okay so like, I’ve actually been actively avoiding blogging here for a few weeks. Why? Because I went on vacation. It was a great vacation, fyi — I think I managed to relax for the first time in my life. But as Natasha Tracy points out, vacations can make bipolar worse. But I did everything right, and on the base of good health. I kept my sleep routine pretty close to normal. We didn’t change time zones; we ended up on the Isle of Wight, so still in the same country. My husband and I already had a pre-kid established vacation pattern of doing very little on a day to day basis, and that works well with kids. My in-laws were also there, but outside of dinners, we mainly did our own thing and they mainly did theirs. I hope that in future  years we do a bit more together, but we’ll see how that goes.

But yes, doing well! Which is good, considering that I have no idea when I’m actually supposed to see Dr. K next. I know nothing about where my ADHD referral stands. My prescriptions keep getting messed up; this has hit the point where I’m probably going to have to book in with my GP and go over the entire list together to figure out why it keeps getting messed up. I know my Depakote got bumped back up to 500mg twice a day because of a way out-of-date letter surfacing claiming it to be such; I got the GP to change it back to ‘right’ grudgingly by pointing out that the dose at that level gave me never-ending blinding headaches.

That’s about all I can think to say right now, so I’ll pootle off and try to think bedward thoughts.

<3

Hurry Up And Wait!

4

Well, things are moving slow on this end.  I got hired by a new doctor to help her with this electronic medical record software conversion, and then she promptly went on vacation (FUCK!).  She left me about an hour’s worth of work, which I promptly completed.  Meanwhile, Dr. Flaky and I met, and she gave me about three hours’ worth of work (FUCK, FUCK!).  This is NOT going to pay the bills.  The OTHER psychiatrist I interviewed with who said he wanted help with a software conversion has not gotten back to me.  So here I sit, thumb up my butt, panicking about money like nobody’s business.  I guess it’s back to the old drawing board for me.  Need to find something with substance to keep me busy and pay the bills.  Something I can count on.

ALSO, my poor dear Uncle Peppy is in the last stages of life, dying of lung cancer.  He is in the hospital, and has been told that he will never return home.  I have been so sad and grieving what he and my Aunt are going through.  I also have overcome my own hypocrisy and guilt of STILL SMOKING and have quit as of yesterday.  I know, it’s just one day, but I really, really, REALLY want to be done with smoking, feeling guilty, being a “secret smoker”, dousing myself with fabric softener solution so I don’t stink, multiple car fresheners, and all my miscellaneous bullshit around smoking.  I just want to be done!  I also can really feel the dent in my mood due to the grief of my Uncle passing (even though he hasn’t passed yet, the grief has already started).

FINALLY, because I know this post isn’t Debbie Downer-ish enough, I can feel the seasons beginning to change.  While on a walk with my crazy Aunt (different Aunt), I saw some trees whose leaves were starting to turn red (God DAMN it!) and I can feel the days shortening.  Also, the kids start school next week.  I just am NOT ready for summer to end!!!  Summer is my easy time for my mood, I just don’t have to work at it.  Now I can feel myself beginning to sink.  Granted, some of it is grief, but some of it is this.  So fuckety-fuck, I have to start getting proactive plans in place to bolster things up.  Being Bipolar ain’t for wimps, that’s for sure.

The one constant joy in my life is the honeybirds.  I posted a sweet picture from my backyard.  Expect to keep seeing them ’till I run out of good pictures.  There’s at least five more:)  Hope you all are holding up better than me . . . Let me know how you are!  And eat a peach in my honor, if you will.  Peaches, BPOF!

***UPDATE*** I just got an email from my mostly useless lawyer saying that he’s appealing my Disability decision (which was a “No”) to U.S. District Court so it appears that this is not over yet!!  I thought that I was fucked when it came to disability but maybe there’s one more chance!  Oh Lord please let it be so!!!  I was just telling my therapist yesterday that I have no idea how I’ll manage to function once the Winter Doldrums hit me and I’m really scared that I won’t be able to function at all.  So please Universe, let the U.S. District Court rule in my favor!!!!!  Improbable but maybe there is still hope!

 

 

 

 


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Work, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Whipped and Wiped

Nah, not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

After an exhausting week of visiting with my mother, who is teetering on the brink of needing a higher level of care; and adding eight additional hours to my eventual western trajectory in order to see my son, possibly for the last time (and he was clearly taking time out from his busy life), you can imagine that I might be a leetle bit tired.

And I am.  Only I’m not just a leetle tired: I’m exhausted, beat, and laid up.

The combined stress sent me into a pain crisis of such proportions that all I could do was try to find a more comfortable position in which to writhe and moan, which didn’t help.  Nothing helped.  Now, at last, the pain has mostly blown over, but the muscle weakness that has been plaguing me is very much cramping my style.  (Haha, “cramping,” get it?  I got it.  Anywhere muscles are found, cramps also.)

I’m dropping my keys and everything else I try to hold (note to self: avoid hot liquids!)  I’m having trouble with the gas cap.  I absolutely could not manage to get the hood on my Sprinter van up today (I needed to put some Diesel Exhaust Fluid in), so I propped the fucking thing open with something else and poured the fluid in quick.  This does not bode well for my mobile lifestyle.

My neurosurgeon thinks it’s MS.  I think he’s right.  Getting in to see a proper neurologist is another story.

One problem is, it’s fucking hot on the East Coast, and it’s hot pretty much everywhere MS centers are found.  And heat is killing, if you have MS.  It’s sure killing me, I can attest.  The heat index in the part of Hell where I am currently collapsed is 102°F.  My muscles just won’t cooperate at these temperatures.

The last neurologist to whom my neurosurgeon referred me only responded to the referral letter after SIX MONTHS.  By that time I was about 2,000 miles away.  I did call several times, but they swore they hadn’t heard of me and wouldn’t offer me an appointment.  They were the only MS practice in Arizona who were taking new patients…I guess they were waiting for somebody to die and open up a spot.

My strategy now is to locate an MS treatment center through the advocacy group, secure an appointment, and go there.  Anywhere!  (Maybe Alaska?  At least it’s cool there…)

I just wish I could fly….fly, fly!


Playing for Change

A few years ago I saw a video on FaceBook featuring street musicians all over the world participating in one song. I can’t remember the song; however, I do remember how awesome it made me feel. The group is called … Continue reading

Sick

Bob went to work but came home early when he couldn’t hold out anymore.  So he is hanging around and stressing me out a little bit.  I feel the need to look busy if he is home one the weekdays.  SO I’m doing laundry, etc. trying to look like I am accomplishing something when all I want to do is rest up.

And I have to go to the grocery store, which always stresses me out.  I just want to go to bed.

I did go to the food pantry this morning and handed out food to people–I usually wind up dropping out over the summer because of the kids or appointments or other things that come up. I’m trying to do better keeping up with everything.  I jus t don’t know .what to do right now. I  don’t want to leave Bob by himself at home when he is sick.  We will see what happens.

But I guess I will just have to get it done.  I wish I felt better today.


Just a Little Inspiration

Found all these going through Instagram. They are wise words, words of inspiration and words that make sense in a world that has seemingly gone mad. I just wanted to share them with my friends/family/readers. 

This first one is so funny yet so true! Must water grass on my side of the fence, haha. 

This (below) is also true in the truest sense. Things happen to us, some of which are very undesirable, but that is the nature of life. We cannot control life, we can only control our reaction to what is happening. 

Below, again so true and practical and empowering. If you wait for other people to act before you act, you not only give your power away, you are not acting at all, only reacting. So act with the best intentions and let the leaves fall where they may. I am only responsible for my thoughts and actions and feelings. What comes from you is your responsibility. 

Below: Oh I love, love, love this one. It’s not done in an instant, it is not done with force, but with time, and patience, and persistence! The best example I can give from my present life is my blog. I was patient, persistent, and even consistent. And the funny thing is I was doing it only for the pleasure of doing it, nothing else, no awards, accolades, or recognition. But they came anyway! Because I was loving what I was doing. Then for a while the pressure of it all got to me, and I stopped blogging. But now I’m back and doing it for the fun of it again. Fun, and sharing, and information. Oh sorry got off topic. Anyway, don’t anyone give up, persistence is the path to success! 🍾

Below: Must remember this, very difficult to do sometimes. Other people’s bad behavior, rudeness, so easily elicits a like response from us. But the other person is most likely not being “rude” or “bad” but may be having a rough time with something. It’s funny, no matter how RUDE we think someone is being, they think they are perfectly justified in acting the way they are acting. As do we when we act negatively. It’s difficult for people who are empathetic to not be affected by other people’s moods, but what the Dalai Lama says makes a whole lotta sense! Emotionally, I wish I could be him! 🌞


Desperately Seeking Old Post Template

Please…if anyone has a link to the old black and white post template…This blue is scorching my retinas and it takes a degree in rocket science to figure out how to add tags. (Yeah, I am that lazy and also, deviation is eeevil.)

HELP.


Gastric Bypass Surgery – Throwback

Yesterday Due to technical problems, my blog was down for a large part of the day on Wednesday. If you didn’t  get a chance to participate in the Caption This contest, you still have until midnight tonight. Just follow this link. Gastric Bypass Surgery This weeks throwback is from November 2014: Most severely obese people experience much better spirits once they…

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Wherever You Go, There You Are…

  Lucy & I chillin’ at Where We Met gelateria in Tahoma, California The girls got pomegranate, sweet cream and pink grapefruit gelati. Where We Met makes gelato daily using a base they import from Italy. It’s hard to believe this chocoholic mom gave birth to these two creatures, for they could’ve ordered milk chocolate! It pains me to … Continue reading Wherever You Go, There You Are…