Daily Archives: August 8, 2016

Kids Started School

So two of my kids started school today–my senior and my sixth grader.  My sixth grader’s bus didn’t show up until almost 8:30 am and school starts at 15 until.  So I took her in myself.  God alone knows when she’ll get home this afternoon.  I know it’s a new school year and it’s a new superintendent and new administrations at all the schools, but that is absolutely ridiculous for a bus to be at my house 45 minutes after school starts.   At least I think so.   l

Went to see Tillie again at Bob’s insistence. I wish I could have just said to him, “You know, I have this last paper due and then I will be okay.”  But if I even hint that school is giving me any stress, he’ll ask me to drop out.  I KNOW he will.  My therapist even said it before I did.   I think I am going to ask him to get some therapy himself–find somebody he can talk to about how he feels living with me who can reassure him.  Beg if I have to.  WE can’t keep going in this feedback loop of me feeling like I have to live like I:m out on bail and can’t have normal feelings without him freaking out and making it more than it is.  Sigh.

 

 

 


It’s Hard to Kill Ghosts

Have you ever had a regret or memory that followed you around like a ghost?  If you’re over the age of ten, the answer is probably yes.  Everyone has those “what ifs” and “if onlys.”  When I was eleven, it was the fact that I left my favorite teddy bear on an airplane.  Man, I MISSED that teddy bear.  I tried calling the airport’s lost and found a couple of times, but who cares about putting a teddy bear in lost and found?  No one, that’s who.  It probably ended up in a trash bin somewhere.

Aw man, now I miss that bear again.

Anyway, as I’ve gotten older, my “if onlys” have gotten a lot more serious than a missing teddy bear.  This past year, I’ve been haunted by the events of last summer (you can read a more detailed version of these events here).  Specifically, the guy from Tokyo seems to keep popping up in my life.  There are already enough regrets from that situation weighing on me.  If emotions could be quantified in weight, I promise you that guilt and regret would both be heavy.  Very heavy.  It’s kind of like someone dropped a boulder on your chest and you were like, “Holy Crap!  This thing is going to kill me!  No, wait, it’s not going to kill me, but OWWWWWWWWWW SOMEONE GET IT OFF!!  OW OW OW OW OW!”  Yep, that’s basically what it’s like.

Here’s my issue – I’m trying hard enough to get over that situation without him continually appearing in my life.  It was eleven months ago when I told him to stop contacting me and said (politely as possible?) that I never wanted to speak to him again.  It was ten months ago when my husband (almost as politely as possible?) said some permutation of “Dude, for real, leave my wife alone.”  Yet, even now, I’m still hearing from the guy.  He’s texted me a couple of times even though his number is blocked in my phone (AT&T – WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU??)  Just last week I got a Facebook message from him, and we’re not friends on Facebook.  I didn’t even know you could do that!  I don’t respond to any of these points of contact, so I don’t know why he’s still contacting me.

Issues of guilt and regret are compounded whenever I hear from this guy, which really is a bit ridiculous because I’m not contacting him.  When I saw his name pop up in my Facebook messages, I actually thought I was going to throw up.  I wanted to scream, “WHY ARE YOU HERE IN MY PHONE, AND WHY WON’T YOU JUST GO AWAY?!”  But of course I can’t say that to him, because I’m not speaking to him.  Shouldn’t my perpetual silence be sort of loud?  What else am I supposed to do here?

Basically, the specters of last summer still haunt me.  When I finally think I’ve moved on, that I’m ready to let go and get that boulder off my chest, it seems that somehow this guy knows that is the perfect time to try to show up in my life again.  Then I’m suddenly angry and sad and nostalgic all at the same time, and emotions and memories whiz around my head like lottery balls in that crazy mixer.  No wonder it makes me dizzy and nauseous.  It brings all of the ghosts back into my mind when I finally thought I was rid of them.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be haunted forever.  Forever is a long time, y’all.  I don’t know if I can handle that.

I need some comfort.  Excuse me while I go get my favorite teddy bear.

OH WAIT, I LEFT HIM ON A PLANE SIXTEEN YEARS AGO.

Bummer.


Reblog – How To Bullet Journal Doctor’s Appointments

I found this great post on “When Tania Talks”. I hope you find it as interesting and helpful as I did. How To Bullet Journal Doctor’s Appointments Lydia!Filed under: health, Reblogs Tagged: appointments, chronic pain, doctors, health, journalling, reblog

We need to stop calling Donald Trump mentally ill

On Friday night, I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher and the panel discussion inevitably went to the subject of Donald Trump. For those of you living under a rock, Donald Trump is the Republican nominee for President. His campaign has been filled with so many gaffs that it’s no longer funny to make fun […]

Weekly Wrap-Up August 08, 2016

Mood My winning streak of staying balanced is over, but I didn’t completely crash and burn either…at least not for long. On Wednesday I started feeling depressed. I tried to come up with a reason why this was happening, but couldn’t come up with anything situational. When I experienced disassociation that afternoon, I knew this wasn’t looking good. Thursday was…

The post Weekly Wrap-Up August 08, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Survey: Opioids Stopped or Reduced for Most

Terrifying, and very real.

EDS Info (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome)

Survey: Opioids Stopped or Reduced for Most Patients — Pain News Network | August 04, 2016 | By Pat Anson, Editor

Over two-thirds of pain patients say their opioid medication has been decreased or stopped since the CDC adopted its opioid prescribing guidelines, according to a new survey that also found over half of the patients have considered suicide since the guidelines were implemented.

A total of 1,978 patients participated in the survey, which was conducted through social media and online support groups in recent weeks.

Although unscientific, the survey results are the first indication of the significant impact the CDC guidelines are having on both physicians and patients.  

View original post 401 more words


30 Days of Sandy Sue Altered: 14

Love and Other Hazards

Shapes Love Can Take

Aches to Feel

Best Buds

Broken Heart


Acute Pain – When is Enough Enough?

I am putting this out to all of my fellow chronic pain sufferers. At what point do you give in to an acute pain before going to have it checked out? My situation is this. I have been having right … Continue reading

Going Off Pristiq

So far it has lead me to be nauseated and unable to sleep. My sleep last night was worst than normal. These hot flashes are killing me and than insomnia rears it’s ugly head. My husband even purchased a cooling mattress topper and pillow for me and I still wake up in pool of my own sweat several times a night. I suppose I am going to need to get some hormone replacement therapy if this keeps up.  I’m too tired to write honestly, I just want to get stoned and chill, so I will.