A Sad August

august

Wed:

So last night was a weird night. My husband woke me up at midnight to tell me he smelled something burning. I didn’t smell anything but I got up anyway and we went over the whole house. So I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I finally got to sleep at three. That’s not a good scenario for me. I woke up this morning groggy and desperate for more sleep. But I got dinner in the slow cooker, did a little on my quilt, and did my eyebrows. I just have to do my devotional stuff and go to yoga at 2. We’ll see how far I get.

I am feeling a little desperate today without my normal sleep. I usually sleep pretty well. My sympathies to you out there who suffer from insomnia….I don’t know how you do it.

I’m working on a Christmas quilt but am in no hurry. If  I don’t get it done this year, I’ll finish it for next year. I just try to do at least a little on it each day.

I am a little disheartened over something. I went back over some entries from my blog a year and two ago. It’s all the SAME thing. Nothing has really changed. I am still struggling with the same old stuff. You’d think I’d have made some progress by now, but I haven’t.

So here is an entry from last August:

“As you can tell, I am feeling pretty good. I had a depressed day yesterday with the migraine and today is a tired, weak sort of day. Tomorrow my husband is out of town, so I am planning on spending all day on the recovery quilt. I am proud of myself though. Even though I got up late and felt tired today, I am getting all of my stuff done I had set out to do.”

Doesn’t that sound exactly what is going on now? Blech!

Thurs:

Just one of my worst depression days. Almost went to the hospital. Will try to write again tomorrow.

Fri:

Today is better than yesterday, but I am crying a lot. Not sure why. My aunt from Florida is very sick, but she is okay for now. I just feel very lonely and like my life is over. Doesn’t seem like much point to anything. I am up and working on a few things, crying all the while.

I am very sad about my old best friend. I lost her because of my illness. First off, when I get sick I am not very fun. But I could not hide my illness and pretend everything was okay, and she was unable to handle things when I got bad. We were friends a long time. I know being apart is best for her, though. She is freer to make better friends. I was taking a lot of her time. So that is a sad thing. It’s hard though after talking every day to never talk at all. I wonder a lot about her family and all of that. And I do wonder if she ever thinks of me and the fun things we used to do. We traveled a lot and had a lot of laughs. For all I know, she could have up and moved to Tahiti. It’s hard.

While I’m having a pity party, I think of all the things I could have done if I was not bipolar. This illness has taken my life. I know some bipolar people get around just fine, but mine is pretty serious. Sad. I look at what others have achieved and get bogged down in sadness. And, yes, I know that many people are worse off than I am.

Sat:

Struggling today. Went back on perphenazine because I had images of the number “7” running through my head. I actually thought about hurting myself which I rarely do. Life is just complicated right now. We have more company in town and my husband wants to go out with them so bad, but I can’t stay alone. So one of my friends is coming over to baby-sit. I am exhausted.

Tomorrow we are going on another short trip with just my oldest son. He is my easiest and I look forward to just sitting around for a while.

I need to get a shower before my friend comes. It is only 11:00 and she is coming at 4:00, so I know I can do it.

I had some brief time to think about my best ex friend. No wonder she could not handle all of this. I cannot handle it myself. She is lucky to be out of this mess and I am lucky to have any friends at all.

Sun:

Had a really good night with my friend babysitting. We had pizza and cupcakes and watched a movie. I fell asleep due to the perphenazine, but I stopped having the hallucinations. I also felt more stable.

It was nice to catch up with my friend.

I have been waking up the last two mornings with serious back pain. I don’t know if it is my back or my kidneys. During the day, no pain at all. This has just been a hell of a week.

The icky company left last night. Even though they were here only three days, it was enough.

We live in literally one of the hottest parts of the country. I can’t figure out why we have so much company. It’s crazy!

We’re leaving at noon to head to another town for a few days. This hotel has a decent spa and a lazy river. My son (25) is excited like a kid. We’re also going to a couple of museums. We’re supposed to get some rain which is really nice here.

So everyone hope the perphenazine keeps working. I don’t want to see a bunch of “7’s” floating by.

Mon:

Slept pretty well at the hotel. Big storm in the middle of the night. Was lucky to lay around the pool all day. Felt pretty good, not elevated, but nothing running through my mind. Still on perphenazine and dizzy. Just wading around and floating in shallow pool water. No deep swimming. Got a blended iced Starbucks mocha which cheered me up a lot.

CBT therapist having trouble getting supplemental insurance to pay. It’s only $19 a time we are missing, but still….I hate dealing with insurance.

Tues:

Planning on working on the treadmill and then getting a massage. Husband and son went to outdoor museum early. I have a couple of hours to kill here in the hotel room.I did some stretching exercises, meditated, and am writing on here.

Still feeling mentally wobbly. Have decided to go back off Jenny Craig and back on Optifast. It’s doctor supervised so I don’t worry too much. It’s just simpler to drink 5 shakes a day….we’ll see how it goes.

I’m using an app called “balanced”. I’ve read all kinds of stuff about what helps depression/bipolar/ life so this is what I am doing:

-driving/riding in a car once a day

-go for walk/treadmill 2x week

-yoga 2x week

-phone meeting with Christian support friend once/week

-floss teeth every day

-every day: read some of a book, do devotional, meditate, think of 3 things to be thankful for

-write in journal/blog every day

-plan to see a friend once a week

-massage once a month

-diet doctor every two weeks

-CBT and talk therapist weekly

-psychiatrist between once week and once a month

-take all meds

I’m doing what I can. Bipolar is a hell of a lot of work.

love you all,

lily

 

 

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