Daily Archives: August 2, 2016

Honesty

Since I started this blog I’ve always been upfront and honest about my past, my disorder(s) and what’s going on in my life. I don’t want that to change. I prefer full honesty. Earlier today I published a post about my guilty pleasures In life. One of the items I listed had to do with […]

The post Honesty appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

My Road to Vibrant – Day 9

Well, today is just a banner day! It seems my insomnia streak has finally been broken! I slept most of the weekend. Which was also a sad thing because it was a long weekend and I wanted to spend as … Continue reading

I’m A Bad Girl

I found some weed so I smoked it and I only hesitated for a second. It was a long second at least. I’m not sure how hubby will feel about it but I was having a bad day and now I feel better.

Just listening to some music and chilling out instead of just being kind of sad like.

I’m afraid.

I don’t want the depression to be coming back already. I’m hoping that it’s not and I’m just having emotions like people do. Maybe I had a sad dream or someething, I hope.

I’m not ready for the world to be grey again.


Nantucket, Sunsets and More. 


Nantucket Blooms. 


Frustration

When the words just ‘t come out the way you want them to. I am so frustrated with my final paper.  I don’t know if I have bitten off more than I can chew or what.  All I know is that I want to go to sleep.  But I am refusing to because that means giving in to the anxiety and fear.  I’m not going to do that, not with this deadline hanging over my head.

THis frustration is the kind of life I live.  I can’t seem to concentrate because of the ten thousand other voices in my head are screaming other anxious thoughts.  If I could just buckle down and concentrate, it wouldn’t  be such a problem.  I guess I’m going to have to take something  to settle it down.

 

 

 


Exhausted

‘You want to know why I feel exhausted?’ I asked.

‘No, not really. But go on, if you must..’

I haven’t slept right through the night even once in perhaps 30 years. Not once. I ache down to my very soul; if you thought bipolar is solely a mental illness then you’re mistaken. It’s also a physiological illness, a painful one. Between the disease and the medications they pound away at muscles, joints and bones 24/7.

Then I have to hold down a job. A stressful job at that. And when I’m not holding down a job I have to run a house and be a single parent. Not wanting to end up living in a sty that has hundreds of baked bean cans stacked on the stairs or newspapers going back to the 80s, I have to cook and clean the same as the rest of you. Pride, necessity. Being civilised and human, I guess.

And the moods.. they’re all over the place as I have a layered illness, that’s the best I can describe it. I might be hypomanic for months and depressed for months but on top of this I have acute shifts in mood, often very brief intrusions of one mood type upon another. Ultra-rapid cycling. Ultradian.

That means my mood can shift dramatically within one day: periods of hypomania and periods of depression, and most significantly periods of mixed-mood which for me are always the most dangerous and unwanted. When I’m mixed I am depressed enough to want to die but high enough to be able to make such a thing happen.

Today I stood by the kerb at a pedestrian crossing. Lorries were thundering past at 30mph and it took all that I had not to take one step forward just as the next lorry was approaching. Fighting this urge is exhausting. On the way to the crossing I’d experienced some kind of hallucination (more than, I think, a delusion per se) where I was suddenly walking along seeing the ground from 7’+ high. I’m 5’ 5”. That lasted just a few seconds, but dealing with this was tiring nonetheless.

It’s all one thing on top of another. Chronic, acute, a bit of this a bit of that.

Then there’s the meds: 20mg of fluoxetine in the morning (slightly sedating) with 100mg of quetiapine (more sedating). Then another 200mg of quetiapine mid-afternoon, followed by yet another 200mg of quetiapine in the evening.

This isn’t even a lot of meds for someone with bipolar (plus anxiety and OCD). I’ve met people who are taking 15+ doses of meds per day.

Spending most of the day (and night) sedated is physically wearing. I have to fight myself to leave the house, to walk, to exercise. To live rather than simply to exist. Plus, I self-medicate with alcohol by late afternoon though thankfully I’m in control of this and I manage to keep within my weekly recommended consumption as an adult male. That’s a miracle in itself!

I have to put on a brave face, a smile for my son so he doesn’t worry about me too much. This act requires energy and focus and tires me out also.

All of this, and more. Not just for a day, a week, a month, a year; I’ve been battling this more seriously for a couple of decades and on the whole since my late teens and indeed probably my childhood. I’ve only been on meds for several months, only sought treatment 2 years ago.

Everything I’ve described happens almost every day. Most of it happens every day.

It’s no wonder I feel exhausted.

 


My Guilty Pleasures

A few years ago I did a post about my guilty pleasures. I looked back on that and was surprised that most of them don’t apply to me anymore. I decided it’s time to do a new list. What’s a guilty pleasure? According to Urban Dictionary, a guilty pleasure is something that you shouldn’t like, […]

The post My Guilty Pleasures appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

30 Days of Sandy Sue Altered: 8

Nerds and Geeks

Nerds

Inner Geek


Going to #BlogHer16

BlogHer16_Going_300x300

This week, I’m going to BlogHer16. This will be my first BlogHer conference, my first blogging conference.

I’m anxious. Worried about not having the energy to participate. Worried about being overwhelmed. Surprised I’m not worried about triggering mood cycling.

Deep breath. Wish me well!


Filed under: Anxiety, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Triggers to Mood Cycling, Writing Tagged: #BlogHer16, exhaustion, introversion, social anxiety, worry