Monthly Archives: August 2016

Reblog – An open letter to my friends: how do you see me now?

Originally posted on A LIFE LESS PHYSICAL:
Today I read this article on the ‘Queen of Constance’ blog – a popular blog written by an outspoken mum of four kids, with posts that are consistently being shared by my Facebook…

Coloring Keeps Away The Crazy

Mandala

One of the better things I took away from my last visit to the looney bin was a set of coloring sheets.  I thought coloring was a distant memory from childhood, but I picked it up as an adult, and then I got serious about it and got myself some Gelly Roll metallic pens, which ROCK THE HOUSE, Y’ALL!!  The colors are electric and the pens make a wonderful deposit with each swish to the page.  These pens ain’t for wimps, y’all!  Through all of my stress lately, I’ve found myself sneaking down to my apartment to surreptitiously color.  No tv, no music, just coloring.  It takes me away!  I highly recommend it.  Here is a great page you can go to to print out mandalas to color, that’s where I got this one.  If you haven’t colored since you were a child, I highly encourage you to try it again!  Don’t worry about how you look, or who might bust you.  Just try it!  It soothes the soul, I promise.

Hope you all have a great day.  Peach out homies!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Stress, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Adult Coloring, Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

I’m Fine!

Okay, so I woke up this morning after one of my better sleeps, (about 7 hours) and could barely move my muscles without each one hurting more than the one before. Then I looked outside and saw the rain falling. … Continue reading

Life is Like Shampoo

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I’ve felt this way about life for so long, I think it’s doused whatever will to live I had left. Because no matter what progress I make, be it with my kid, housework, the bills…It never ends. You just have to turn around and do it again an hour later, a day later, a week later. Endless. Fucking. Cycle.

And to prove it’s not some depressive/negative attitude about my life in particular…I view ALL LIFE this way. Even that of a celebrity or the idle rich. Oh, wow, let’s go to a movie gala, let’s hit this hot nightclub and get wasted, let’s wake up in the afternoon and go shopping…

Pfft. That, too, is lather, rinse, repeat. Just more of the same.

Am I jaded? Pessimistic?

Not really. I am being honest.

Even when life is “good”,  I still view it same as I do washing my hair. Blah.

I keep doing it because I am, after all, a well trained seal.

It does not bring much by way of joy. Fleeting moments of relief or “yayness”.

Is this part of the depression? Ya know, the depression I told my shrink I thought was getting better at the start of this month?

Maybe.

But also…having a child changed me. My brain chemistry even. In the 8 years since pregnancy and her birth, I’ve spent about 7 years as a joyless hopeless husk of my former self.

Now, before anyone jumps to the “go to” conclusion that obviously, I just find parenthood boring and probably resent my kid, blah blah blah…

I love being a mom. I love my kid. I love her giggle, I love the way she begs me to tickle her pickles and play bongo butt (don’t ask.) I love her art work and I love hearing her on the phone and she has made me ten times better as a person. Given me a conscience. A moral compass. She has made me want to become better.

So let’s not blame this on my child.

And let’s not blame it on the grind of life, entirely. No, I didn’t see being a single mom and trying to survive on disability. It does wear me down. I get tired of, as in this week, looking at the gas gauge and breathing nervously, as I hope that orange mark means I still have enough fuel to get her to school and home until Friday. Hells yeah, that shit is stressful and takes it out of you.

Unfortunately,it’s common as I hear my neighbors and family voice the same concerns.

What could possibly dampen the smoldering flames of defiance that once made me want to live forever?

I think something happened to my body, between the pregnancy, then getting dosed with depo provera and nearly losing my mind, that has put me in my current mental space.

I WANT MY FUCKING GROOVE BACK.

I want back my defiant “fuck you, I am gonna live forever and if I die, I will come back and live forever some more, fuck you fuck you fuck you!”

That was the fire that kept me alive for so long.

Now…when being nakedly honest and risking judgment…My brain exhaustedly mumbles, “Woohoo, 11 more years til she’s 18 and I can finally die in peace.”

Yes, that is how my brain is working. Because it is a scumbag.

Also, I think rather than jar my chemicals/hormones into behaving as an old shrink once hypothesized…all the hormonal, chemical, and bodily changes jarred things into perpetual depression and anxiety.

Am I in denial and just blaming what’s handy?

Doubtful. My honest is so blunt it could be used as a murder weapon to bash in a skull.

I just haven’t quite been myself since Spook was born.

And I wonder if all my chemicals got so altered, maybe this is my new norm.

In which case…It’s gonna be a long ass 11 years.

Just sayin’.


Caption This Wednesday is Here Again

It’s time again for “Caption This Wednesday.” I had a special request to post a picture of a moose. I couldn’t find a pic of a moose that I liked, so here’s the next best thing…   Here are the rules: Put in the comments section what you think this weeks caption should be. If you post more than one…

The post Caption This Wednesday is Here Again appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Mixed Feelings

It’s been eight weeks since Will passed away, and all I can say is that I’ve got a shitstorm of emotions going on. Which isn’t surprising, or even all that awful, it’s just weird…like bipolar on crack. I can go from happy and smiling to a weepy mess in a matter of seconds, and vice-versa. I can enjoy dinner out with my family and cry over a Humane Society commercial an hour later. I go from almost desperately wanting people around to wishing I could just disappear and blow away like a feather on a breeze.

All of this, I’m told, is completely normal. After all, mixed feelings are to be expected during these early months of widowhood—whether one is bipolar or not—and I need to just let them happen. There’s no time limit on grief. I hate it that I’m apt to burst into tears anytime or anywhere, with or without provocation, but I’ve already learned to allow it because I feel SO much better afterwards. It’s a lot like throwing up: nobody likes doing it, but the relief is incredible when it’s over.

This is so different from the way I imagined life would be after losing Will. I always thought I’d be deeply depressed and suicidal in the early going, and I used to half-jokingly tell the kids to drop me off at the psych unit on the way home from the funeral. But I’m not. In fact, suicide is about the last thing on my mind these days; I’m too invested in making sure they don’t have to lose their second parent any sooner than is absolutely necessary. I may feel differently in another few months when it’s been raining for three weeks straight and my seasonal-affective BS kicks in, but I’m not going to worry about it now. And I know Will wouldn’t want me to worry about it either.

I talk to him a lot, you know. I consult him on both major and minor decisions, and sometimes I can almost hear him answer. Sometimes it feels like he’s an eternity away, while at others it seems as though he’s standing right next to me. Recently my son-in-law booked another cruise for this November, and when I asked Will about it, I could practically hear him whisper, “Go for it!” I know he’d want me to go and have fun, even though I’m as poor as Job’s turkey and the boys are picking up the tab (willingly, I might add—they want me to enjoy myself after what I’ve been through this year).

One other thing I’ve found comforting is church. I’ve gone every Sunday since the funeral, and each week it gets a little easier. The ancient rituals are calming and reassuring, and after Mass I have coffee and donuts just like Will and I did in the past. Happily, I’ve been “adopted” by a group of women, most of whom have lost their husbands too and know exactly what this is like. I have also been drafted back into reading from the Scriptures in front of the congregation, as I used to do before he got really sick and I couldn’t commit to a schedule anymore.

The idea is for me to read on one Sunday a month for the next three months, and see if I want to continue. I’ll probably end up doing it for the entire year, just because the gal who oversees the lectors wants me to, and I’m actually pretty good at it. But like everything else these days, I have mixed feelings about making that commitment…maybe by the end of November I’ll be ready to make up my mind.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for these turbulent days. Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Sick or Something

I don’t know what is going on with me but my whole body aches. I feel okay other than that. Well I’m also feeling the cold a little more than usual. I think I might be coming down with a flu or something. Maybe it’s just cause I’m in horrible shape and haven’t moved around a lot lately.

I got my phone replaced so I can go back to playing Pokemon and getting some walking in.

I am very lucky that my husband is going to have a four day weekend and I am looking forward to spending that time with him. Wow finally released it’s new expansion so I imagine that we will be spending a lot of time doing that. Honestly if my computer chair didn’t suck balls I could do that all day. I hope he doesn’t mind taking breaks!

 


My Journey To Vibrant – Day 37

So, the last couple of weeks have been a roller-coaster of pain, stress, and triumphs. If you have tuned into my last couple of posts you will know that I was experiencing kidney and leg pain, both on my right side. … Continue reading

Off to the Mountains

summer mountains

Wed:

This is a little bit of a tough day. Danny’s car is having some power steering trouble and is in the shop. So everyone switched cars around and I was the one left with no car. My husband is at a business meeting all day, so it’s just me and the pets.

I don’t mind being alone some…there are things I can mess around with. But I don’t feel like sewing today and I’m just tired. I guess I can just hang around and maybe listen to an audio book.

I get weighed in tomorrow at the diet doctor’s. I hope it’s not too bad. My therapist gave me the assignment of writing down every “cheat” I make. It does make me think when I know I have to write it down. She says if I can wait ninety seconds before I eat something I can skip it and move on. I’m not sure she is right.

We have sort of a little party on Friday and then we are going to the mountains for a few days to stay with friends at their cabin. This actually sounds nice….just worried about making wise food decisions. Fortunately I can take my liquid stuff. I just need a bit more courage to stand up to my hunger and wants. I do so love losing the weight.

Update: party on Friday got postponed so I don’t have to worry about food at that. I have taken a shower, unloaded and loaded dishwasher, and sewn a bit. Doing well all alone. Could not have stayed alone before.

Thurs:

Got up and things were good. Went to diet doctor. Have lost 10.5 pounds in three weeks. Came home and immediately ate a piece of bread….LOL. Did a little shopping. Came home and plan to do a little paperwork and then take a nap. Doctor said when I am on vacation, I can do shakes for morning and lunch and then a TINY bit of dinner if I want it. Or I can stick with the shake.

Feeling great other than guilty over lack of exercise.

Bad afternoon: Had a couple handfuls of potato chips and some crackers. Am really craving carbs. I need to stick with this diet…I am doing so well weight-loss wise.

Fri:

Sort of a boring morning. Woke up at 4, had a shake and flipped on the news. Slept off and on till 7.

Husband was in a cranky mood, so I left him alone. I was talking to him and he wasn’t responding….just looking at his phone…I hate that. I am more important than anything on a phone. I am really good about this. If someone talks to me, I look up and chat back. I never ignore someone and look at my phone. Rude!

We are leaving tomorrow for the mountains. It doesn’t take me long to pack so I’ll wait till the morning.

Anyway, today was sort of a bust so I decided to declutter the den and living room. I moved a lot of junk out of there and now it looks a lot better. The rooms look ready for some Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas decorations. Can’t believe it is that time already.

Plan on taking the older two kids out for dinner tonight. Did go out and I had grilled chicken and vegetables. Very good.

Sat:

Woke up at 4. Had a shake, turned on the news (again) and went back to sleep.

I feel pretty good this morning. We are driving up to the mountains today and I have to pack and get ready. Also want to get a shower. A little nervous today about riding up in the car- there have been lots of storms and heavy rains on the road up.

Update: Made it up here with some fear on the ride. Took a Klonopin and got really tired. Had a few extra food items today: apple slices, handful of nuts, very small piece of pork roast, and 2 baby carrots. That probably doesn’t sounds like a lot, but it tasted wonderful. I am seriously trying to avoid carbs. My husband and hosts had cheese, crackers, wine, roast, potatoes, bread with butter and apple pie. It was pretty hard to resist all of that food, but I did my job.

I did walk a mile for exercise. That was good news.

If I can only keep up this level of eating, I can maybe lose a couple of pounds this week. Worst case is that I stay even.

I don’t feel depressed, just exhausted.

Sun:

Was proud of myself for staying up last night and watching a movie with my hosts. So I was basically up from 6am- 10pm. That is a long day for me and not something I would have been able to do a year ago.

It’s a beautiful morning here, just about 40 degrees. The pines and sunlight are gorgeous. We’re heading off to church in an hour or so.

After church we had a great lunch outdoors. I had a healthy salad, so did well there. Came home and took a long nap. Got up and played Chinese checkers. They all watched a movie and I fell asleep.

Mon:

The three of them are off to museums in a neighboring town. I am here sitting with the dog. The dog is sort of spoiled but is pretty cute and friendly. Has to go out about every two hours.

Staying home at the cabin is fine with me. Gives me a quiet day of reading, napping, and enjoying the peace. I really got into my book about a woman with bipolar called Loud in the House of Myself by Stacy Pershall. I really like biographies.

When everyone got back, I took a short walk and watched a movie. Then went to bed and did some listening to my book.

Tues:

Have a dicey stomach this morning as I write this. Why am I nauseated? Try a liquid shake with a handful of psych meds. I just HAD to have more in my stomach, so we stopped at a McDonald’s on the way home. I chose the lowest calorie breakfast item they had: a sausage burrito. They were out of diet Coke (how can a McDonald’s be out of diet Coke?) so I had diet Dr. Pepper instead. So I threw all of this in my stomach. Ugh! Plus getting jiggled in the car….

I am losing weight on this diet, but still struggle with nausea and diarrhea. Fortunately, the headaches and abdominal pain have gone away.

Having lunch with a friend tomorrow. Planning on watching TV tonight and hitting the sack early.

That was my week! Thrilling, huh?

love,

lily

 

Simplicity

I went to bed at 9pm last night and got out of bed at 10am this morning. Deep deep depression has set in. I kissed my husband goodbye as he left for work. Told him I was also going to work. 2 hrs later I texted my boss and let her know I couldn’t handle an office setting today.
I warmed up my coffee and checked email. I turned on the tv. Something I hate to do before 5pm. But, I need to check out. In a big way. I alternated between my email, Facebook, and writing. But honestly I tried to get lost in television. I won’t reveal the show as it’s probably not in the arena of self compassion, but holds my attention.
I sent a text to my old friend that read: so many moments come and go where a hello and goodbye are but a blimp in the day, weeks, months. I remember our first hello. I felt so bold. But now as I ponder a goodbye I feel so fragile. So alone. I don’t even know what I truly want to say. I’m thinking of you, Steve and Jerry.
These are folks who have long time sobriety and battle depression. Jerry took his life while sober unable to battle anymore.
My mind is not sound. My pain is bigger than me no matter how hard I try. I open my laptop to feel important. Answer work matters that demand my attention. Pretend I matter. Pretend I have an impact. I guess I’m trying to believe as much as pretend.
It’s not a good day. I isolate and spare me from you. I have no words. My smile and nod at a tilt. Socks don’t keep me warm. Pills don’t keep me well. Love doesn’t keep me fed. Faith may not keep me alive.
I’m hunkered down. Curtains closed. Darkness. Forever darkness barricades me. Alarms sound in my head. Warning shots fired. I’m not okay. Simple as that.