I have really grown tired of the usage of the term “mood”. Bipolar is just a mood disorder. What has you in such a bad mood?
Bipolar is less mood and more a state of mind. Mental status taints everything you do. Bad moods can be shaken off or ridden out. A mental status that revolves around darkness or, worse, nothingness…It’s a prison and you’re locked in, unsure if parole will ever be granted and even if it is, will it matter.
I mention this because while Pristiq has definitely helped more than prozac did, I am still stuck in this mental state where everything feels like a chore.Everything annoys me. Everything feels exhausting.
While I get out of bed and do what I have to, most days bare minimum still, my mind is still not in a good place. If anything, I’ve accepted that I am on a stationary bicycle and no matter how hard I pedal…I go nowhere, accomplish nothing, don’t even lose weight. I am stuck in psychiatric limbo.
I bully myself a lot. I mean, a lot. Let all of depression’s lies sink in, make me doubt myself, question whether I am just a lazy malingerer. Which opens the door for my critics and all their spewage about how I am lazy, shiftless, making it all up, not trying hard enough.
One of Spook’s devil girls was here the other day and I said something like, “Don’t ask me, I’m not good at that stuff.” And this 8 year old says, “Yeah, you don’t work, you’re not good at anything.”
I let it roll off me (thank you, lithium, for vetoing the urge to smack a brat during shark week). But it infuriated me. I do occasionally still help R at the shop, even if I am unpaid, uncredited, and unappreciated. I TRY to do what I can when I can. Their father sits home and plays video games and can;t even nuke their goddamn ramen noodles for their lunch so they bring it to me.
That’s just fucking infuriating. And ya know, I am getting goddamn sick of society’s “tee hee, kids say the darndest things”. NO. There’s no excuse for any child that age to be that fucking rude. EVER. If my kid said that to someone, I’d ground her for a month. You’re never too young to learn not to be rude and to show some fucking tact.
But then I am the pms-ing bitch beast from Hades right now and ya know what….zero fucks are given.
Life is just on my last nerve. I buried kitten number 5 so Feet’s entire litter died. Shady had one kitten and I have to lock her in a pet taxi for her to feed it, she wants it dead. I can’t even count on my usual joy-kitties-because even that has turned to shit.
This election bullshit has me ready to drink the fucking special Kool-Aid. R and now even my own father are forcefeeding Trump on me and yet the more I read about the republican agenda, the more I want Hillary. Corrupt, sure, liar, duh, she’s a politician. But at least her platform doesn’t center around taking away women’s reproductive rights. (Her stance on it seems to change according to who contributes more money.)
And it’s not simply the pro choice stuff that gets me. I got one email the other day about this republican sponsored law that Trump has ALREADY agreed to sign off on once in office…and it criminalizes adultery, homosexuality, as well as consenting adults having sex outside marriage. CRIMINALIZES who you sleep with.
How am I the only one fucking terrified by this level of intrusion into my personal life? At least the Clintons are openly corrupt whereas the republicans tend to be absolute hypocrites who do all the bad stuff but it’s ok cos they repent in church.
Crazy lady says what?
I gotta stop reading this shit. Nothing I do is gonna have any impact. They want you to think your vote matters but did we not learn anything from Colorado and its superdelegates who swept Hillary in while marching of Bernie’s prone body?
I almost never indulge in politics. The fact this bothers me so much says I am petrified of how things turn out either way.
I have no use for corruption. Yet I also cannot abide the republican and its old boys’ network view of women as lesser beings who shouldn’t be allowed choice over our own bodies. (And who the fuck do they think they are making laws about who any consenting adult can sleep with, married or not????? That’s a moral issue more than a legal one.)
Maybe R is right and I am just a moron.
More accurately…I am afraid of being stripped of even more of my rights, as if the patriot act didn’t do enough…now I gotta worry about a couple of old geezer Republicans dictating whether I can choose to use my uterus or not…It is fucking scary. More people should be scared, even if you are a pro-life. Because once the law makers start peeking into your bedroom, prying into your body and personal choices, we are but a skip away from an all new holocaust.
Don’t think for one moment Trump wouldn’t toss every single mentally ill person under the speeding bus. We don’t contribute and when we do it is not enough so we simply don’t matter.
I want to think I am coming unhinged but I actually feel such clarity on the entire political matter. Both of the candidates are plain bad. We are plain screwed. Question is…Do I want massive wall to keep out foreigners if it means I can’t have a bootie call without facing charges cos some dumbass republican thinks it’s right to criminalize sex…
Hell fucking no. Let in a gazillion foreigners.
Stay the fuck out of my bedroom and OUT of my fucking uterus.
Moi, opinionated? Nah.
I think I am hypersensitive on the mental health front. I watched a series about crimes involving the mentally ill and it…It was a good show (Canadian, of course.) But it drew attention to things that I don’t think we are ever going to be able to tackle. Like a woman who was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. She hadn’t left the house in months then one night, to go see her niece play in a band, she went to a nightclub. And she was terrified and fainted and of course…some jackass commented, “If she were really sick and agoraphobic, she couldn’t have left the house tonight.”
This is our struggle. Because if we can manage it ONE time, we must be cured and just faking it. No one would ever say the same of a cancer patient who was having a ‘better’ day and ventured out with her family. Nope.
Mental health issues are the bastard child of medicine.
I had another scary realization watching that show, too. The cop was ordered to undergo a psych eval and the doctor who went to court and declared him unfit…Well, he himself was a narcissist nd pathological liar who was pissed at the cop for hanging out with his old gf….
Yet we are beholden to these people. Psych professionals are just as flawed as we are, just as disordered, just as prone to personal bias, lying, misconstruing…
Okay, so it was fiction. I live the non ficti0n version, where even my best friend’s shrink daughter is as fucked up as I am and yet in control of whether people get help they need or are dismissed. I have legit concerns.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’m gonna go back to binge watching Chicago Fire. I tried two other times to get into it and couldn’t, now I am liking it.
It’s all about mental status. Guess mine is feeling pyro-ey right now.