Tough Love

college 2

Can’t remember where I left you guys off…

Anyway we met with Danny and presented him with three options. It took him a couple of days to come up with the option he wanted:

-he does not live at home

-we contribute $300 month to his rent

-he gets the car, insurance, and repairs

-no allowance

-he gets a job

-unlimited groceries

-phone

-goes to school and gets “C’s” or better

In the last few days, he has been working on finding a job. He has a place to stay till the end of September. School starts Aug 18th. And he has a safety net. He can stay at home briefly. He won’t be homeless. So enough about Danny but wanted to keep you up to date on the saga.

We left yesterday (Thursday) for the mountains. We are house and cat sitting for some friends. It’s gorgeous up here….very cool and lots of pines. I am keeping up with my little routines. I took a walk and a shower this morning.

I am feeling pretty good. Not like running all over hell and back, but enough to get out. Slightly elevated. Did not get nervous riding in the car up to the mountains (3 hours). Just a few moments passing big trucks. I hear some peaceful thunder as I write. See you tomorrow.

Sat:

It’s a beautiful morning here. We are planning on going for a walk this evening. I do feel baseline or slightly elevated, but just not good enough to go anywhere. I have mixed feelings about this….obviously I felt good enough to pack up and come to the mountains, but now that I am here I just want to lay around.

My husband says he is starting to believe I will always feel this way- with a great day or two and then a tired day. I don’t know how I feel about that. I want to have the energy to be a dependable volunteer somewhere and to be useful in life.

Sun:

A gorgeous day here…went out for my half hour walk. Woke up pretty early though, @ 4:30. Just flipped on the news for a while.

I have been thinking about something for a week or so. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying TOO hard to get better. I just feel like I am working every day to get a list of of healthy things done. I am worn out in a way. I just want to hang out and do nothing. But then I have to give myself a little credit for what I am doing. I actually don’t know what I am thinking but I know I am not slightly elevated when I would like to be. I have the “pills” (good meds) and the “skills” (CBT, talk therapy). I am doing what I can do. I would like to shower more regularly, drive a little farther, and get more regular about diet and exercise.

But at least I am not depressed. It could be worse.

Went out for a tiny shopping trip. then stopped for a salad. Came home for a nap and woke up to rain and a bit of hail. Very fun! My husband and I drove up higher in the mountains (after it stopped raining) to look at rock formations (a bit dull for me…). Things were weird, but I could feel my mood slipping lower and lower. Very strange. Got home and felt a little better.

Mon:

Got up and drove home from the mountains. Much more nervous on the freeway, but kept my eyes open the whole way on the overpass. Just exhausted.

Tues:

Woke up and felt pretty down. But as I went along I felt better. My goals today are to shower, sew a few minutes, and go to the gym for thirty minutes on the treadmill. I also want to go to my bipolar support group.

Klonopin:

I keep reading about how bad Klonopin is for you. But I am doing decently on three .5 per day. I am thinking about trying to get the Klonopin down to as needed. I’m going to keep taking three per day this week and then maybe going to 2 and/or 3 every other day. I’m just not sure. My doctor isn’t insistent about anything but he said he was glad I went from 4 to 3 on my own. He says (as if I didn’t know), you can get dependent on benzos.

I love all of you out there reading. I wish I knew you better and could be supportive to YOU.

Thanks,

lily

 

 

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