People tend to say to focus on positive things, but this is problematic when you can’t come up with any positive things to focus on. Everything is completely fucked up. I am legitimately struggling to find anything positive to focus on. In addition to that, I do also have the feeling that negative emotions are normal in response to negative circumstances, and I don’t think denial is necessarily a good thing, either.
I kind of feel like my personality and self-awareness were completely out to lunch for several years there. There was nothing other than denial/lack of awareness. That wasn’t good either, but there was no sense of struggling.
Getting out of the house doesn’t help; it just further fucks up my sense of time and keeps me from doing the things I need to do, like dealing with health problems and making money. It causes me great anxiety and stress. My sense of time is still quite abnormal and I have trouble getting even a few useful things done in a day. I force myself to do things now, like drawing and attempting to get a somewhat decent portfolio put together. I make myself play piano/guitar/violin to focus on something and to pass some of the time in a somewhat meaningful way. On occasion, I drink too much and spend too much money. I think I’ve bought 3 DVDs, a few records, and about 20 CDs this week.
I am not seeing anything getting better in the future, and that fucks me up a bit, I guess.
7 signs you'd wish you could've looked out for ...
Posted in Read Along
Tonight I went and explored our downtown whilst hunting pokemon. It was nice to get out. It’s a really small town so it’s this super cute older looking downtown. Got me out walking and I caught some brand new pokemon I haven’t caught yet.
My mood has been good today. I hate saying that so much. It makes me worry about the depression that will rear it’s ugly head at some point instead of just enjoying myself. I worry about worrying I worry so much. Is’t that quite the sentence.
I almost missed writing my blog. almost.. I made it though.