Daily Archives: July 21, 2016
This weeks Throwback Thursday was first posted August 23, 2014 A Reminder Don’t forget about “Caption This” Wednesday. All entries must be in my midnight tonight. For more info, and to participate, just go to Wednesdays Post. Missing Mania For those who aren’t bipolar, being manic sounds like a damn good time. Feeling euphoric, […]
That’s kind of how I feel this morning. Not doubting God or doubting the person of Jesus, but doubting myself. I read a very good book this weekend on doing God’s will, doing what only you can do for God and for others. It was called God is Always Hiring by Regina Brett. It really lit me up to write and to write what only I could write.
But I’m still fuzzy on the details. DOes that mean I should only write about bipolar disorder and not try to do fiction any more? I want whatever I write to be God-honoring, and I’m not sure my older fiction I’ve been trying to place is that. That doubt is what triggered my anxiety Monday, then I got three rejections Tuesday and Wednesday. I’m okay with them, even though they were major projects that were rejected. So what do I do now, God? I guess is my question.
SO pray for me as I continue to seek direction.
Find I must titrate exposure to stimulation. Need enough to prevent depression, but not so much as to trigger hypomania. Enough, but not too much sun. Have to be very careful with social stimulation. Easily get on edge when spend too much time with too many people. And, not able to limit myself, to set boundaries, to keep myself on an even keel. Fear losing myself, jumping in too deep too soon, taking on more than I can handle. All a very careful balancing act.
Source: Titrating Stimulation
Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Hypomania, Triggers to Mood Cycling Tagged: boundaries, Over-stimulation, social stimulation
I am not going to lie there have been many times in the past several years when I have pondered what my life would have looked like if I had never gotten sick. I not so quickly learned that we do not control what disease we get but we do get to decide how we deal with it.
I have often spoken about the losses that occur from having a mental illness. But I have not mentioned the gains. Most likely I would not be living in West Virginia, but I have grown to love where I live and appreciate the beauty. I would not be here to look after my mother and she does need my help. I would never have met such outstanding young people who I have coached and trained in basketball.
I would not have learned how fortunate my life has been in spite of my challenges, many others who live with mental illness have seen their opportunities be limited.
I would not have met the countless people who have shared their personal journeys with me. So blessed to be a listening ear.
I get to watch my great nephew grow up and play video games with him. It’s a real gift when a young person thinks your “cool.”
So my point is sometimes it is easy to focus on all the negative when we get unexpected detours in life. But when you think about it the journey might have become much more interesting. I know my life lessons are far more diverse than I could have ever imagined.
I am not happy about having a mental illness, but I am content with my life and where it is headed. There is great peace in that.
When I woke up this… well when I woke up today I felt like the clouds had parted a little. I’m not happy by any means, but I laughed and smiled today. I also have one hell of a temper today too though. I’m feeling emotional. I guess that is better than down right?
I hope that it means this depressive cycle is finally ending, it’s really been going on rather long and I’m super tired.
Today is family dinner night and my mother in law and niece are over for tacos. I’m finding it hard to socialize though. I kind of just want to crawl into myself and listen to music for a while. I put my music on while I’m writing my blog so I can feel lighter. Does that make sense? I have no idea anymore.
I walked to the mailbox which is halfway down the road, so that was my accomplishment for the day, though I suppose making dinner and socializing could count as accomplishments too.
The hardest thing about not having the weed is I’m having a hard time finding food I want to eat. I have to force myself to eat 350 calories at 10pm so that my Latuda works the way it is supposed to. I just find food really unpleasant at the moment, well for the last several months.
I dragged the back of a butcher knife down my arm wishing that I could cut it just a little. I know it’s not healthy. I wouldn’t admit that anywhere but here though. I don’t need anyone worrying about me more than they are already worried. I promised hubby I would go to the hospital if things get worse so he doesn’t need to know about my little fantasy.
I think I’m going to be OK this cycle. Maybe I’ll get a nice little break and hubby will be right about the weed fucking me up more than helping. I promised him a month. That’s all he’s getting though if he’s wrong.