Daily Archives: July 12, 2016

The Most Romantic Thing Anyone Has Ever Done for Me

It’s weird to think that the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me went largely unnoticed until this past weekend.  I realized it while standing in a hotel suite, wearing a long cotton-candy pink chiffon dress, and putting on some lip gloss.

I was getting ready for a wedding I was in, and I’d gotten to know a few of the bridesmaids pretty well over this whole wedding-planning week (because we were dealing with things such as trying to support the bride when she found out her mother-in-law was going to wear a long white crop-top dress to the wedding. Oy.)

While putting on our makeup, one bridesmaid saw a pill bottle on the counter and said, “What’s this?”  I’d set it there while digging through my make-up bag for mascara earlier, and I’d forgotten to put it back.  I guess she didn’t know whose it was (there were a lot of us going in and out of that bathroom), or she was just being super nosy.  Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and call it the former.  I hadn’t even noticed the bottle because pill bottles are such a non-noticeable part of my life.  It would be like someone coming up to you, looking at your hand, and saying, “Look! A fingernail!”  You’d be all, “Oh yeah, fingernails.  I forgot about those because they’re always with me.”  That’s me and pill bottles.

“Oh, that’s mine,” I said, grabbing the pill bottle and putting it back in my bag.  She looked at me questioningly, because I guess not everyone sees pill bottles as such a common commodity.  I was afraid she was going to burn her hair off with the curling iron while she stood there waiting for me to answer her questioning look.  I’m bad at lying and also pretty bad at saying, “None of your business,” so I said, “It’s no big deal…I have this tiiiny brain tumor that seems pretty bent on ruining my life, but I’m on it.  It won’t kill me.  I just take a crap ton of pills.”  I threw the pill bottle back in my bag and started putting on blush.  At that moment, my face was a bit red without it.

“Wait, whaaaat?”  The bridesmaid (thankfully) uncurled her curl and stood there with one piece of hair curled and pupils about as wide as her open mouth.  I hate this reaction, which is the one I get every time someone finds out about my health problems.  At least she didn’t say one of my least favorite lines, which is “but you look so healthy!”  Like I should apologize for not looking sick enough to have a tumor or bipolar disorder or any of the other issues I have.  SORRY FOR TRYING TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE.  MY BAD.

I shrugged it off, because usually when I pretend like something is no big deal then people tend to roll with it.  She picked up another piece of hair to curl.  I dug around for my lip gloss.  Finally she said, “Wait…I know Elle said you had health problems in college…was this it?”

“Yep.”  I was still trying to avoid this conversation.  She didn’t catch it or didn’t care.

“Wait, so…you’ve been with your husband since you were seventeen….he’s been with you for this entire time?”

“Yep, since day 1.  I got the call the day after I moved into college.”

“Wow, that’s so romantic.”  She shook her head and unrolled the hair she was curling.  I stopped halfway through applying lip gloss, my lips in a perfect “O” of surprise even though I hadn’t been surprised until that moment.  I stopped and stood up, lips halfway glossed, and looked at myself in the mirror.  I had never heard my story called “romantic” before.  There’s nothing romantic about MRIs.  There’s noting romantic about blood test after blood test after blood test.  There’s nothing romantic about countless doctors with countless treatment plans, most of which don’t work.  There’s noting romantic about panic attacks or delusions where I think people are trying to kill me.  There’s nothing romantic about the extraordinary amount of drugs I’ve had to be on.  Nothing, I tell you.  Nothing.

Except…

Maybe there is something romantic about a guy who is willing to stand next to me through all of that.  It’s romantic that he is willing to take me to appointments so I won’t be alone. It’s romantic that he will bring me water and hold me when I’ve been so terrified that I cried until I threw up.  It’s romantic that he has never once complained about how difficult it is to be with me, even though I know it has a specific and difficult set of challenges.  There is something wildly romantic about that, and I’d never put that word to it until that moment.

It’s far more romantic than the fresh roses currently sitting on my dining room table.  It’s better than the cute notes he leaves in my bags when I travel.  I’d take that over any line from any movie or any surprise date he has every planned.  It’s the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to me, and I didn’t even know it.

While watching the bride and groom take their vows, I thought back to mine.  I thought about how when Andy said, “in sickness and in health,” he meant it.  I thought of how he’s made good on that promise again and again and again, far and above what should be asked of any man.  Then I cried.

Too bad about all of that makeup I put on.


It’s July

flowersTues:

So the Fourth went really well. We grilled our hamburgers and hot dogs and then had our fireworks show in the backyard. We even had red, white, and blue cupcakes.

Really good news from today. I rode on the freeway and through downtown to the homeless senior center to deliver water and other stuff. For some reason, I wasn’t scared at all. Then we came home and did some errands and I drove some with my husband in the car. Once again, no anxiety. I have a pdoc appointment this afternoon and plan on driving there if possible. So a good day so far.

The day kept going well. I drove to my doctor’s appointment and went to my bipolar support group.

The doctor changed up my meds so now I am on Rexulti, Welbutrin, Klonopin, and Lamictal. I hoping this will get me from “baseline” to “slightly elevated”. I am voluntarily reducing my Klonopin from four to three a day.

Wed:

A pretty good day again. Drove myself all alone to get my hair done. Was a little nervous about backing up out of the parking, but did the rest of it just fine. Husband went out to eat lunch with a friend. I feel more secure when he is here, even if my kids are here. This is a little bit of a change as I normally want to spend time alone.

I don’t have any big plans for the rest of the day. My yoga teacher is on vacation this week, so I am being lazy. I may just relax and listen to my audio book.

Thurs:

Having some weird sleep habits and anxiety. I am falling asleep about 7 right after I take my meds. But for some reason I want to sleep early. Then I wake up at 4:30-5 and lie there and have anxiety about the day and things going on in my life. Once my daughter and son come down (at about 6:30) I feel better.

My mood is slightly elevated…I think some of these meds may be working. That’s really good news. I plan on driving back and forth ALONE to my therapist today. That’s a big step.

I need to increase my exercise for so many reasons. I want to feel better and fight depression. I want to have something productive to do. I want to stop feeling guilt about not doing enough exercise. I’m going to start on Saturday with my 6am walk. I know I can do it. If my meds make me feel more ambitious, it should really help.

Fri:

Great day so far! Feeling good and made my support call with my friend.

I went to see my therapist yesterday and we worked on some good stuff. One thing we worked on was grief…how long you should grieve various things such as relationships. Also, we started working on my weight. I have the Jenny Craig in place, but I need to learn to say “no” to outside food. I really need to learn to be indifferent to outside food. So I am keeping a diary of sorts of all the times I said “no” to something tempting this next few days. It would be nice to go to  a party…maybe have a small portion of a few things, and then move on. Right now, I tend to think of all activities based on food. Not good.

The best news of all is that I drove to and from the doctor’s office all by myself! Really good progress.

My youngest (22) is getting a little sassy when talking to me. I sat down with him but don’t think it did much good. He’s acting more like 14 than 22.

Sat:

Youngest has re-evaluated his life and is more polite.

This was a decent day. I promised daughter to see “Secret Life of Pets”. Of course, when I woke up I did not feel like going but I didn’t want to let her down. So I went and I drove.

I have had this weird experience of anxiety at movie theaters lately. I feel like something is going wrong at home while I am sitting there disconnected from my phone. Strange. Anyway, the movie was cute. It was also my husband’s birthday, so we went out to have Mexican food. I skipped the trip to Dairy Queen as I am working on that diet.

We’re skipping church tomorrow to take a break. Some friends are taking us out for dinner tomorrow night.

I still would just prefer to lay on the couch. I am reading this book that says “if you get up and go you’ll have a good time.” But you know, I just get somewhere and can’t wait to go home. I am hoping my med will kick in a little more.

Sun:

Skipped church. Went out with friends. Had salmon. Really good.

Mon:

Not my best day. Have some sort of head problem from switching meds. Not sure if you’d call it a “brain zap” or a “migraine pain” or what. Just on the right side of my head. Cancelled breakfast with a friend but will see her Sat anyway. Was going to meet son for lunch at a restaurant near his job but sent husband and daughter instead. Sometimes I get so sick of trying. Hope tomorrow is better.

Tues.

Another rough day. You know, sometimes I just feel like giving up. But I’m not exactly sure how to give up. I guess just lay down and rot. I’ve been down all day dealing with milder brain zaps. They are going away. I am planning on dragging myself to my bipolar support group today. I need to get out.

I wish this blog entry ended up a little more positive.

We have company coming Thursday morning. The house is clean but it needs to be “picked up”. I’m determined to do it tomorrow just in case I am still struggling. Thank God a lot of it is in good shape.

love to you all and hope you feel well,

lily

On the Occasion of More Murders in America Reblog/Link

Yesterday I was pondering over a couple of ideas for a post today and was debating which one to write, when suddenly my decision was made for me. I read a beautiful article by Alyssa, whose wonderful blog is DEARLILYJUNE. The article that stopped me is “Unraveling, Part I–On the Occasion of More Murders in […]

The post On the Occasion of More Murders in America Reblog/Link appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

More Blah

Yep I’m on that steady decline. I missed my blog yesterday because I had company and my husband shut my alarm off again. Seriously his heart is in the right place.

I’ve been having more of my reoccurring depressive thingies happening, like foggy brain, tears, sluggish movements, sad scary thoughts, those classic whatif’s that I have talked about many times before.  I hate watching it happen and knowing there is nothing I can do.  I admit I can empathize most with my husband at this point. He doesn’t know what to do for me and feels helpless. He keeps trying though. He is so wonderful. Gotta keep focusing on the good.

Let’s see despite the depression I had a shower yesterday and today I made dinner. Not huge accomplishments but still I did not stay in bed all day and that is what really matters in the end doesn’t it.