Daily Archives: July 7, 2016

Returning to Redwood Therapy

The magnificent redwoods, my therapists When I started tapering off bipolar meds in 2012 (which I’ll never do again since I almost died) hypomania caused me to become an exercise fiend. I was experienced at working out because I worked as a certified personal trainer at a gym for a few years. But when given a … Continue reading Returning to Redwood Therapy

Poem Published

So my little published poem went live today.  It’s called “Crazy Days” and it kind of shows how mania feels to me.  Swing by gordianreview.org and take a look at it through the table of contents links.  I’m so proud.

I got surprised–I thought my second paper wasn’t due until July 17th–turns out I have a paper due before that on July 10th and one due on July 17th.  So that was a bit of a shock and I’ve had to get to work on that.  But it shouldn’t be a problem.  I had my thesis and ideas laid out in my head–it’s just a case of putting them on paper.

I don’t know what to do about my weight.  I gained on vacation and didn’t have trouble out of my foot walking any but did out of my knee even with the painkillers.  I need to amk time to go to the health club and ride a bicycle machine since that is low/no impact, but I don’t know how consistently I can do that.  But I can’t just keep letting it creep up like this.

I’m having trouble getting back in the groove of everything after vacation.  I’m sleepy and don’t really want to do anything productive.  But productive I have to be, so there it is.

Hope everyone has a good Friday and weekend this time.  Thanks for reading?

 


Poem Published

So my little published poem went live today.  It’s called “Crazy Days” and it kind of shows how mania feels to me.  Swing by gordianreview.org and take a look at it through the table of contents links.  I’m so proud.t

I got surprised–I thought my second paper wasn’t due until July 17th–turns out I have a paper due before that on July 10th and one due on July 17th.  So that was a bit of a shock and I’ve had to get to work on that.  But it shouldn’t be a problem.  I had my thesis and ideas laid out in my head–it’s just a case of putting them on paper.

I don’t know what to do about my weight.  I gained on vacation and didn’t have trouble out of my foot walking any but did out of my knee even with the painkillers.  I need to amk time to go to the health club and ride a bicycle machine since that is low/no impact, but I don’t know how consistently I can do that.  But I can’t just keep letting it creep up like this.

I’m having trouble getting back in the groove of everything after vacation.  I’m sleepy and don’t really want to do anything productive.  But productive I have to be, so there it is.

Hope everyone has a good Friday and weekend this time.  Thanks for reading?

 


Words – Read All About It!

In the last week or so, I have started following two more blogs on books and reading to add to the others I have been following for awhile. It has been awhile since I could really concentrate long enough to … Continue reading

Updates: Taking time off other sites also

Suddenly I’ve just lost the urge to communicate with people online or off, so I am probably going to be absent in various places. I am trying to spend some time on my own forum, and that’s about it. I’ve mainly been updating my FB, which I reactivated, when I have new projects finished or things for sale on my etsy. I just sort of don’t give a shit and don’t want to talk to anyone.

This isn’t a bad thing; I’ve been getting a lot of things done; physical things, quantifiable progress being made. This has been a much better week than the weeks prior to this.

Some things I notice are that I am overly critical of my own work, though, and all human contact tends to annoy and frustrate me, except in small quantities. People just seem so shitty to each other and I guess I don’t feel the urge to be shitty to people all the time. People also seem very moody and unpredictable in a bad way.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken out anger on another person toward whom it wasn’t directed, and it seems that many or most other people do that all the time. They wake up in a bad mood and are shitty to everybody, no matter what, no matter how those people treat them. I can’t do that, I’m not programmed that way, and I find it very upsetting. I figure the best thing I can do is cut off most or all contact with people, online and off, until I feel like I have gained a larger tolerance for everyone being a shithead all the time. I don’t even care if they’re a shithead to me or not, I feel the same when they’re unreasonable shitheads to other people. In many ways, I have a very low opinion of humanity.

I’m sure there are many wonderful people out there, but they are very hard to find, and I don’t have the time or energy to do so.

Eye Contact

Respect Decades ago, I made a decision to go out of my way to treat certain people with respect. My hope is that I treat everyone with respect, but I decided to make extra sure I showed respect for one specific group of people – those who work in the service industry. Most of my […]

The post Eye Contact appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Arm’s Length

Arm's Length

My psychiatrist has asked me numerous times how my sister has handled my parents differently than I have? How has she protected herself? How has she kept herself from being so enmeshed in the family dynamic?

The answer is that my sister says no. She keeps my parents at arm’s length. She didn’t answer the phone whenever my mother called, letting it go to voicemail instead. She didn’t let my mother pry and control her. And, she never identified with them.

I, on the other hand, was a member of the first-born club. My mother, father, and I were all first-born. I was repeatedly told that I was like them in that I, too, was first-born. I, like them, was a type-A personality, an overachiever, a workaholic.

I shouldered higher expectations. I was to be a doctor or a lawyer. My goal was to be a neurosurgeon. In high school, I almost got straight A’s, ranking 3rd in a class of 450. I assumed that I would go to an Ivy League school, and was devastated when I didn’t get accepted.

My parents graduated at the top of their high school classes and were high achievers in college. My mother was captain of her college debate team. My father got two bachelor’s degrees in five years – one in chemical engineering and one in humanities. Years later, living off savings while supporting a wife and two daughters, he attended Harvard Business School.

I expected to out-achieve them. I didn’t. I failed. I fell apart. I couldn’t withstand the strain, the expectations, the speed of being a UCLA honors biochemistry major.

I wanted a well-rounded education and to have fun, so I dropped out of the second quarter of honors chemistry. Physics and biology, too, I only took one semester each. Honors calculus, though, I loved and took for the entire year. Math was always my favorite subject and I regret not continuing my math studies.

Bottom line: I must say NO. I must STOP identifying with my parents. I must learn to hold my parents at arm’s length. I must learn to be a “good enough” daughter, and not try to live up to any real or perceived expectations.


Filed under: Alcoholism, Bipolar Disorder, Family, Mental Health, Recovery Tagged: alcoholic family, enmeshed family system, family dynamics

I’m A Grandma!

My daughter gave birth to my grandson yesterday morning. He is absolutely adorable, I love the new technology. She’s being looked after by family & friends and I’ve been talking to her as well. I’m so proud of her. I’ll post pics soon!