It’s been a while, and I’ve had posts saved as drafts, but I haven’t actually posted anything.
One recurring thought that I had all the time while the meds were causing me more brainfog was that, when the fog cleared, I was going to have a very bad time. That is to say, what was sustaining me and allowing me to cope and not freak out was the fact that I was quite unaware of everything about my situation, didn’t care, absolutely didn’t give a shit about anything. And I was right! The brainfog cleared a bit and I had a very bad time, have been having a very bad time for the past 9 or 10 months.
On the one hand, typing about it (not talking, I don’t talk to people much) sounds like a good idea, but in reality, it only stresses me out a lot and I prefer to remain in a state of complete denial, going through the motions, trying not to think about anything too much.
In addition to that, I have a very low threshhold for human contact of any type, so being back on FB and forums and things stresses me out a lot, especially when too many people start sending me too many private messages and things. I can handle public forum posts, and PMs from some people, some of the time, but not very many people, very much of the time. I have turned off FB notifications for this reason, though I am still logging in when I have something to post (usually, new drawings and things like that). I will log in to put up a link to this.
Anyway, thinking stresses me out a lot, and people stress me out a lot, and I just feel like I’m constantly striving for an unattainable state of peace and quiet.
Seems like I should be strummin’ a banjo, huh. Yoooooodelayheehoo!!! Welllll I been up, I been down. Ok…end of bad country song. Beginning of story.
It’s been good, a good summer, overall, the weather is lovely, I’m working (or at least I was…) and feeling happy and productive. Isn’t it amazing how a little output can make a person happy? Well, judge it if you will but it fuckin’ made me feel good to do something. And then? Well we pretty much finished up the work. There was only so much, importing these psychiatric files into this new system, and then, dunzo! I still act like the doctor’s assistant and call in prescriptions for her (DID YOU KNOW that you can just call in to the pharmacy and say you work for so-and-so doctor, and you can authorize refills?!?! What awesome power I have!!! And what a lax system is in place!!! But I digress..) So I am left with my fantastic new color laser printer/scanner, my desk all setup, and not much to do. HELP!
And then….I got the letter in the mail yesterday from SSI Disability that basically said, verbatim, “Fuck Off, Stop Appealing Our Decisions, You’re All Out of Appeals, Go The Fuck Away.” IT SAID THAT!!! It is all over and done with. Someone with severe Bipolar Depression, over 45 ECT Treatments, multiple hospitalizations, off “real” work for 2 ½ years….doesn’t qualify for Disability. So NOW I have to revise my life plan rather drastically and rather quickly to determine how in the hell I can support myself, and still like my life. Because the past options resulted in me hating my life. Oh lawdy my therapist is going to be earning that money tomorrow!! She’s gonna BLEED!!!
Meanwhile, back at your ranch, what’s been shakin’? Any new meat to report?
Filed under: Bipolar
, Bipolar and Work
, Bipolar Disability
, Mental Illness
Posted in Read Along
It always seems like the day after I make some good accomplishments my brain decides to beat me up with all it’s negativity.
I hate my brain so damn much. I would trade it in a heart beat if I could still remember the people I loved.
My SIL invited me out tonight to a bar to meet with her new friend and some other friends. Not really in my comfort zone right now. Not with hubbies dad coming in tomorrow. ACK!