A week like any other week….

So I am back again writing under duress from my doctors.

My readership was up last week, so thank you. I wish I had a more exciting life to write about…maybe I should make something up!

Wed:

Woke up today in a pretty good mood. All showered and ready to go to a movie with my friend. We’re going to see a morning show. Got started on devotionals. Did you know meditation is supposed to be good for depression? I am just doing five minutes per day. I use an app called “Centering Prayer”. After a while, I’ll increase the time a little, but I have a hard time focusing. So for right now, five minutes is good.

Wow! Got home from the movie and had a really serious anxiety attack. Not sure what caused it. Was fine riding over and back in the car. Maybe nervous about being out of the house. Just had a small crash….took 2 Klonopin and fell asleep. So I took the correct amount of Klonopin that day…just 2 at once.

Tomorrow I have the CBT therapist at 10. Then yoga at 2. Then sushi with a friend. I am bound and determined to do it all.

Thurs:

A little worried that my 22 year old did not make it home last night. It’s six am and he frequently crashes on someone’s couch. He does DJ work at parties and is out pretty late. I called him this morning but of course he did not answer his phone. He’s probably asleep.

My CBT therapist would tell me to go through my STOPP routine which prevents me from worrying. Maybe I will do that.

I worked on the CBT instructions and it did help. And he did turn up- he texted me to say he had been asleep. I really hope this CBT is helping me. I still get really anxious.

I had a decent session with the CBT therapist. She wants me to do homework on mood and the way I think about things. She wants me to be positive and to live in the present. We talked about getting up and going places and not staying on the couch. So I drug myself to yoga today. I was glad I went. I came home from yoga and got a shower….not a bad day.

Fri:

Going out to breakfast with a friend. Have a lot to do this morning: devotionals, get dressed, do my support call, eat breakfast out, and make a tortellini and broccoli salad. I may go and get my nails done with my daughter…am not sure.

Okay, got most of the hard stuff done…am waiting on my call.

Feel slightly elevated. Don’t want to cancel things or give up.

My CBT therapist is also acting as a sort of “cheerleader”. She has gotten me to exercise. I hit a milestone of sorts in my weight loss. I plan to lose 6 pounds in July. That’s only 1.5 per week. I should be able to do that. But as many of you know, staying on a food plan is tough. So many social activities revolve around food.

So I did breakfast and my nails. I drove myself back and forth to all of this alone. Big progress! I came home and made the salad. Forgot my 9 am Klonopin so took the noon one instead. Promptly fell asleep.

Sat:

A really good day so far. Got up at six and took a 30 minute walk with my husband. Between walking and the yoga, I am doing pretty well. I have gone from no exercise to at least some. I don’t do it for my weight, I do it for depression and stress control. I feel slightly elevated even though I have nothing special to do. I might sew a little and get a shower for church tomorrow. We need to go as we have ditched for a couple of weeks. Hung out and did nothing but take a nap and listen to an audiobook. Feel less shaky today.

Been reading online about benzo withdrawal. I’m on 2 mgs of Klonopin per day. I love it…it has almost totally removed the anxiety. But I know I will have to come off quite a bit…even though I am  on a small dose. Right now, I take a .5 at 9, noon, 3, and 6. Starting tomorrow I’m going to hit for 9, 1:30, and 5. I’d like to get down to prn on the Klonopin as needed.

Sun:

Not my very best day. Decided not to go to church just because too lazy. No excuse at all other than the heat. So the news gets worse….if you’ll read yesterday’s entry I was going to reduce the Klonopin. My first couple today were going to be at 9 and 1:30. I couldn’t even wait till nine. I took it at 7:30. Blech! So now I’m not sure if I have some big addiction problem or not. I need to get down on it so I am not so sleepy and can drive more. Makes sense. But I think I better go slow as I reduce. There is a lot of stuff online about how to do it.

Tuesday is our 30th anniversary. We are going to spend a couple of nights at a nice resort in town. We could go somewhere fancier and on a longer trip but I just can’t do it right now. I like the idea of going somewhere in town. I’m riding in cars MUCH better, but it’s still easier to go in town.

Mon:

Woke up pretty early and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Decided to jiggle my Klonopin again: 1) when I wake early 2) 9:00 3) noon 4) three o’clock…none after that. This gives me four for the day which is what I have been prescribed. I am sick of worrying about the Klonopin. I feel good now…I’ll sort it out when I can.

I need to take a shower so we can get ready to go to the resort but am too lazy right now. I’ve got about three hours to do it.

Good news: I went and took the shower.

I’ll come back next week and let you know how the anniversary went.

love,

lily

 

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