Daily Archives: June 27, 2016

My Louisville Friends

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My friends know how difficult it’s been for me the last few days. One of them, so very sweetly, invited me to her house to play with her kitten Max and then gave me a bouquet from her garden! Another friend and I are going to lunch tomorrow. Another friend asked me many times if I wanted to talk, unfortunately I didn’t get back to her because at that time I couldn’t find any words. But I will get back to her. And then another friend, who is a fabulous photographer, and I are going to scope out the botanical gardens. We are going to do a photo shoot there sometime soon.

If not for my kind friends, whose actions are making it easier for me to cope with the sadness of my uncle’s death, of losing my brother, it would be a lot more difficult to get over the sadness. All the corny cliches such as “That’s what friends are for” and  “A friend in need is a friend indeed” and others, well they simply hold true in times when you are troubled. I really do have friends in Louisville, really good ones.


A week like any other week….

So I am back again writing under duress from my doctors.

My readership was up last week, so thank you. I wish I had a more exciting life to write about…maybe I should make something up!

Wed:

Woke up today in a pretty good mood. All showered and ready to go to a movie with my friend. We’re going to see a morning show. Got started on devotionals. Did you know meditation is supposed to be good for depression? I am just doing five minutes per day. I use an app called “Centering Prayer”. After a while, I’ll increase the time a little, but I have a hard time focusing. So for right now, five minutes is good.

Wow! Got home from the movie and had a really serious anxiety attack. Not sure what caused it. Was fine riding over and back in the car. Maybe nervous about being out of the house. Just had a small crash….took 2 Klonopin and fell asleep. So I took the correct amount of Klonopin that day…just 2 at once.

Tomorrow I have the CBT therapist at 10. Then yoga at 2. Then sushi with a friend. I am bound and determined to do it all.

Thurs:

A little worried that my 22 year old did not make it home last night. It’s six am and he frequently crashes on someone’s couch. He does DJ work at parties and is out pretty late. I called him this morning but of course he did not answer his phone. He’s probably asleep.

My CBT therapist would tell me to go through my STOPP routine which prevents me from worrying. Maybe I will do that.

I worked on the CBT instructions and it did help. And he did turn up- he texted me to say he had been asleep. I really hope this CBT is helping me. I still get really anxious.

I had a decent session with the CBT therapist. She wants me to do homework on mood and the way I think about things. She wants me to be positive and to live in the present. We talked about getting up and going places and not staying on the couch. So I drug myself to yoga today. I was glad I went. I came home from yoga and got a shower….not a bad day.

Fri:

Going out to breakfast with a friend. Have a lot to do this morning: devotionals, get dressed, do my support call, eat breakfast out, and make a tortellini and broccoli salad. I may go and get my nails done with my daughter…am not sure.

Okay, got most of the hard stuff done…am waiting on my call.

Feel slightly elevated. Don’t want to cancel things or give up.

My CBT therapist is also acting as a sort of “cheerleader”. She has gotten me to exercise. I hit a milestone of sorts in my weight loss. I plan to lose 6 pounds in July. That’s only 1.5 per week. I should be able to do that. But as many of you know, staying on a food plan is tough. So many social activities revolve around food.

So I did breakfast and my nails. I drove myself back and forth to all of this alone. Big progress! I came home and made the salad. Forgot my 9 am Klonopin so took the noon one instead. Promptly fell asleep.

Sat:

A really good day so far. Got up at six and took a 30 minute walk with my husband. Between walking and the yoga, I am doing pretty well. I have gone from no exercise to at least some. I don’t do it for my weight, I do it for depression and stress control. I feel slightly elevated even though I have nothing special to do. I might sew a little and get a shower for church tomorrow. We need to go as we have ditched for a couple of weeks. Hung out and did nothing but take a nap and listen to an audiobook. Feel less shaky today.

Been reading online about benzo withdrawal. I’m on 2 mgs of Klonopin per day. I love it…it has almost totally removed the anxiety. But I know I will have to come off quite a bit…even though I am  on a small dose. Right now, I take a .5 at 9, noon, 3, and 6. Starting tomorrow I’m going to hit for 9, 1:30, and 5. I’d like to get down to prn on the Klonopin as needed.

Sun:

Not my very best day. Decided not to go to church just because too lazy. No excuse at all other than the heat. So the news gets worse….if you’ll read yesterday’s entry I was going to reduce the Klonopin. My first couple today were going to be at 9 and 1:30. I couldn’t even wait till nine. I took it at 7:30. Blech! So now I’m not sure if I have some big addiction problem or not. I need to get down on it so I am not so sleepy and can drive more. Makes sense. But I think I better go slow as I reduce. There is a lot of stuff online about how to do it.

Tuesday is our 30th anniversary. We are going to spend a couple of nights at a nice resort in town. We could go somewhere fancier and on a longer trip but I just can’t do it right now. I like the idea of going somewhere in town. I’m riding in cars MUCH better, but it’s still easier to go in town.

Mon:

Woke up pretty early and had a hard time getting back to sleep. Decided to jiggle my Klonopin again: 1) when I wake early 2) 9:00 3) noon 4) three o’clock…none after that. This gives me four for the day which is what I have been prescribed. I am sick of worrying about the Klonopin. I feel good now…I’ll sort it out when I can.

I need to take a shower so we can get ready to go to the resort but am too lazy right now. I’ve got about three hours to do it.

Good news: I went and took the shower.

I’ll come back next week and let you know how the anniversary went.

love,

lily

 

Perfect

I have a perfect husband with a perfect house and perfect pets. I never want for anything. Yet dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up is super hard. Trying to get motivated to do anything is impossible and I cry at the drop of a hat. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be happy, but I’m so the opposite of happy it isn’t even funny. I hate depression. I dream of a day of happiness again.

 


Music Monday – “My Way”

Kay has got us hooked on America’s Got Talent and this year they really do have a lot of talent. When Sal Valentinetti came out on stage he stole it. He owned the room both with his charm and with his … Continue reading

Weekly Wrap-Up June 27, 2016

Mood Another great week without mania or depression. That’s three in a row! Woo Hoo! (knock on wood) I did have some anxiety that made it hard to concentrate and on Friday I and had to cancel a lunch date with a friend because of it. If that’s as bad as it gets, though – […]

The post Weekly Wrap-Up June 27, 2016 appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Starry nights…

Does my life story, make for a good story? How many people think that their lives would make great stories? Be it through films or books. I wanted to live off […]

Almost Forgot

I’ve been so wrapped in myself today that I almost forgot to write my blog post.

Today has been a very hard day for me, I stayed in bed until after 1:30pm and just couldn’t get my mojo going.

My sister in law asked me to go out to visit with her and her friends and I passed that up because I was literally terrified. I also have to get the house in order for father in law’s visit.

I have broken down and cried several times. I think I am just in the throes of some bad depression.

I feel so broken.


Terrible Questions

“Are you PMSing?” is a terrible question.  You have no shot at getting a good answer.  Here are the two potential outcomes:

  1. She is PMSing, in which case you should put your hands up in surrender and BACK. AWAY. SLOWLY.  You just poked a very angry and irrational bear.  There’s no telling what’s going to happen next.
  2. She is not PMSing, in which case she’s going to be annoyed that her totally rational, legitimate issue with you is being trivialized into a case of hormones.  Now you just made whatever she was angry about even worse.  Congratulations to you.

Most people learn pretty quickly not to ask this.  It’s simply a very stupid question.  Even cave men were probably like, “Shhh…I think my wife might be – you know – but I’m not asking her.  Let’s all go hunt some woolly mammoths.”  They ended up hunting a lot because they were always guessing about their wives’ hormones. This is why woolly mammoths are now extinct.

In the past few months, I’ve discovered a new and equally infuriating question:

“Have you taken your pills today?”

My husband inevitably asks this when I’m doing something weird.  The other day he asked it because I decided to read a book on the roof of our house.  I admit that, to a normal person, that’s probably kind of weird.  BUT what my husband didn’t know is that my dad and I used to have tea parties on the roof when I was a kid (true story), and I always climbed in weird places to read.  I read in trees, I read on the roof, I read everywhere.  It was a beautiful day, we have a safe roof, and I decided to go chill out on it.  Instead of thinking, “Huh, Hazel sure is a strange duck,” he immediately thought, “wow, she’s crazy again.  She probably isn’t taking her pills.”  I own that I’m weird.  I’m fine with that.  Weird and crazy are not the same, and I don’t like it when people get them confused.

Of course I don’t WANT to take my pills.  I don’t know anyone who’s ever been excited to take pills.  I do take them, though.  I’ve said multiple times, “I don’t know if I really need these…I think I’m doing much better…but I guess it doesn’t hurt to take them.  If it’s not hurting anything, I guess I’ll just do it.”

Here’s my issue: the truth of the matter is that it does hurt to take them.  It hurts because I lose a sense of identity when I’m forced into a box labeled “bipolar.”  It’s like a watermark.  You know what a watermark is, right?  It’s the faded picture in the background of a letter that appears on all of a workplace’s stationery?  Here’s an example:

watermark

It’s like no matter what type of text is written on the pages of my life, it’s all colored by this new watermark.  I am successful at something?  Well, it must be because of the creativity and exceptional memory that comes with having a dysfunctional brain.  I fail?  Well, I’m mentally ill, so the fact that I’m alive should be enough for me.  No one would expect much from me anyway.  Everything in my life can be explained by, “Well, she has bipolar disorder, you see…”  I don’t want that watermark to color everything.  I want my bad decisions to be bad because I did something stupid.  I want my good decisions to be good because I did something right.  I feel like my entire life is explained away by chemical imbalances that are beyond my control.  I am seen as a puppet.

Sometimes I’m cranky because a person is being an idiot, not because I didn’t take my pills.  Sometimes I’m sad because life is hard, not because I didn’t take my pills.  Sometimes I’m happy because I’m having fun, not because I didn’t take my pills.  Sometimes I don’t got to bed on time because I’m not tired, not because I didn’t take my pills.  Sometimes I’m weird because I have a funky personality, not because I didn’t take my pills.

So yes, it does hurt to take my pills.  It hurts even more when someone tries to distill my behavior (positive or negative) down to the presence or absence of drugs.

Maybe this post is kind of cranky.  Well, for your information, I did take my pills.

Although I suppose I could be PMSing…  You’ll never know, because everyone knows not to ask that.  :-)