I have been having a really hard time controlling the symptoms of my primary diagnosis of Bipolar I with psychotic tendencies recently. It seems like everything is a trigger. Other people’s emotions have been triggering me. I am trying so hard to be “not Bipolar” so I don’t lose my current relationship to my disease like so many others that have fallen victim to my hyper-sensitivity and “scary” mood shifts and thoughts. If my boyfriend only knew how much I hide, he would probably leave too. He is also a bit hyper-sensitive and becomes frustrated easily. I really do not think he could handle what goes on in my head on any given day. I can’t handle what goes on in my head most of the time. So, I ignore it hoping the thoughts will go away on their own. They never do, but its worth a try. It is hard being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand it is my reaction to their frustration, depression, or mood in general that is the problem. It is not his fault that I am this way. I do not know where to place blame for this state that I live in. I do not know if there is even blame to be placed.
This morning, he was frustrated with one of his laptops, and lashed out. His level of anger frightened me because I can understand the feeling. I have lashed out at this disease in so many ways. Suicide attempts, checking myself in to the “looney” bin so I will be safe from myself, hiding how sick I am, trying to be normal all the while raging at how unfair it is that this is my life. I have a sister whose life seems to be perfect on the outside. She appears to have everything a person could want: a doctor for a husband, two beautiful children, a nice house, and car. I have Bipolar disorder among other disorders. I have no car due to an accident 3.5 years ago, I live in a 600 square foot apartment, ride the bus (that can be fun), ride my bicycle and walk. I have a father who regularly forgets the “little” things like my birthday and Christmas. He also doesn’t think that I am as sick as I am. I believe, and this may be misguided, that he thinks I am malingering so I do not have to work. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think a job would give me a sense of purpose. At the very least, I have secured myself a volunteer spot on a subcommittee to help create a more cohesive public mental healthcare system in my county. Perhaps, I can use my experience to help others.
I have mixed-episode Bipolar. I understand that this is one of the worst places a Bipolar person can be. Sometimes, I just want to scream at the randomness of my life’s experiences. I didn’t ask to be sick. I didn’t ask to be a 45 year old that has to have their mother buy them groceries because I have overstepped the limits of my disability check. I do not believe that I was born to be sick. I rarely experience anything but some mood state be it good, or usually, down. I am in a constant “low mood” or I am bouncing off the walls. I know my thoughts are frequently irrational and border on paranoia. I know I lose touch with reality sometimes. I get angry for no real reason. Most of the time I cruise along in my low mood, and convince myself that this life is worth living. On other days, like today, I wonder why I was born if I am going to live in such pain. Physical pain responds to Advil or Tylenol. Emotional pain responds to nothing that I have found. Even when I was self-medicating and appeared happy, there was always this underlying feeling that I was lying to myself and others.
I will wrap this up with a quote from Alice in Chains: “Hey, I ain’t ever coming home/Hey, I’ll just wander my own road/Hey, I can’t meet you here tomorrow…no, no/Say goodbye, don’t follow/Misery so hollow…….
Filed under: “Disability”, “truth”, anger, Bipolar Disorder, Broken and Bleeding, dysfunction, family, fuck it all, lack of worth, madness, Uncategorized Tagged: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Mixed state (psychiatry), Mood, Relationships