Against the Odds

So here I am (sort of against my will) writing my blog. I just kept a diary this week and will share with you:

So I was wondering what to do with the rest of my life. At a retreat I was at I got an answer: “Opportunity presents itself when you are just doing the day by day stuff as best you can.”

Wednesday:

Saw both psychiatrist and therapist in same day. Talked about my birthday, weight loss, and my Aunt Nancy. Aunt Nancy is my favorite aunt…the last of that generation and she just had a heart attack. It’s pretty hard. Definitely felt mild to moderately depressed.

Decided this is going to be the year of weight loss. One year from now, I’ll be looking good for that next birthday.

I’ve been using some phone apps to help me keep going: “My Net Diary” for food, “moodtracker” for mood and anxiety, “balanced” for stuff to do, and “centering prayer”. I’m doing great on my devotionals and prayers. Don’t feel much like seeing friends. Definitely some birthday depression floating around.

Thursday:

It’s my birthday and we are getting the outside of the house painted. They started at 6 am, which really wasn’t bad cause I was up anyway. The painter had me pick out colors which was intimidating because you had to like them for something like ten years.

Not much going on for my birthday…I see the CBT therapist at 3. Had some Happy Birthday texts from friends this morning. My heart just isn’t in my birthday. Did get a shower but feel definitely depressed.

Friday:

Up at 5:30 with the painters. They started working and it is looking really good. I feel okay this morning but not like really doing anything. I need to do some laundry. Also need to work on some homework for my CBT therapist. Last night I had a nice birthday. The cake was really good and my son made grilled cheese. I got some make-up brushes, lip gloss, gift certificate to Bed, Bath, and Beyond, decaf coffee K-cups, and a gift certificate for a party at the local tea room. Remember I was talking about this?

I felt a little better and did a load of laundry. Husband was taking his sister out for her birthday. I didn’t want to go. I don’t hate my SIL but she is kind of cold acting.

We’re having turkey wraps for dinner…it’s getting pretty hot here.

Saturday:

Woke up with a mild headache. Waiting on painters to come, clean up a bit, and pick up their check. I have to be honest. I didn’t think the house looked that bad to start with. But it now looks gorgeous. They did a lot of powerwashing, fixing cracks, underneath the patio ceiling, etc. It’s all terrific.

I think today I am feeling slightly elevated. Just slightly. But I am going to a movie with my friend and I do want to go. Sort of unusual for me to want to go anywhere. I also made a date for breakfast next Friday on strict orders of my doctors. They said I can’t expect the meds to do everything and I know they are right. But it is extremely frustrating to agonize over what I am doing wrong or right and banging my head against the wall. Then I simply pop a pill and feel okay. All that angst about how worthless I am, etc.

My friend called and cancelled the movie. I was sort of glad because it was SHE who cancelled and not me. We rescheduled….no big deal. I got my blue and white quilt ready to be sent off for quilting. Next project is a large Christmas quilt with some sparkly flecks in the fabric.

Sunday:

Ditched church…was too lazy to get a shower. Back to the shower thing again. Got up and did devotional…hands not so shaky.Father’s Day: having lemon pie, pizza, and watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals. For a gift for my husband we all chipped in and my older son built him a computer. I guess it runs pretty fast….my husband is thrilled.

Still worried some about daughter as she is still having headaches. Pretty sure these are tension migraine type headaches.

Monday:

Slightly elevated mood. Walking around humming which is always a good sign. Don’t have a lot to do today, may listen to an audiobook. Got all my devotionals, meditation, and mood apps done on my phone. Not sure if the elevated mood is the Rexulti or the CBT.

I am really pleased with my therapists. I feel like they are truly interested in me and have my best interests at heart. The CBT therapist is helping with the anxiety, but more importantly she is helping me have a more positive attitude. I am getting attached to both of these ladies…they feel like friends, even though I know they are being paid for their services. Both therapists are encouraging me to view myself as someone who is healthy with an “issue”…that being bipolar. I’d love to feel that way.

Started a little on my Christmas quilt.

Tuesday:

Hands are pretty shaky today and I am frustrated. Woke up with a migraine. Know this is cause by mixing Rexulti and Zoloft. Want to go back on Rexulti and Wellbutrin. Don’t see the doctor till the 5th.

Angry with myself today as I wanted to go to the gym and then to my bipolar support group. But there is no one to drive me. Husband is going to an  auction, daughter is going out, older son still at work, younger son off with friends. I have GOT to get driving again. Right now my hold up is taking too much Klonopin for anxiety. I get spacey and I need to focus on the road.

I have some good news. I invited people to the tea and have 14 people who said “yes”. I think it will be fun. I am also going to that cancelled movie tomorrow, out for sushi on Thursday, and to  breakfast on Friday. Hopefully this will all work out.

That’s it for this week. I did my duty. I wrote the blog.

love,

lily

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