Daily Archives: June 17, 2016

Hell Hath Frozen Over – I Meditated with My Psychiatrist!

  Over the past couple years the subject of meditation has become somewhat of a running joke with me and my psychiatrist Dr. D.  The backstory: Dr. D. has meditated regularly for decades. Whenever we’ve discussed meditation, he has sung its praises with such sincerity that if you were in his office, I bet you’d contemplate trying … Continue reading Hell Hath Frozen Over – I Meditated with My Psychiatrist!

Feeling Violated

So one of the kids that plays with Spook was inside just now and her dad came looking for her. I did not invite him in. He sidestepped me and came on in to pick his kid up and carry her out.

Is it just my weird “protect safe bubble at all costs” thing or does this seem rude and invasive to others?

I am not a snob. I am, however, not proud of my ramshackle home and biohazard housekeeping skills so I try not to let people see the place at its worst and…After a week of 94 plus temps and 70 percent humidity in this place, I’ve done very little. I can’t breathe because of the effects of high humidity on my sinus problems, I just end up gasping and gagging and coughing so I try to wait for it to ease up, Unfortunately, today is the first in four days where the weather isn’t being sadistic.

So because this guy just waltzed into my home I am now feeling violated, disrespected, and also…freaking out that my lack of housekeeping skills will result in A.) him banning his kid from playing with my kid, and B.) depending on his standards of housekeeping, he’s gonna tell everyone and their dog my home is a sty and bring about some sort of inspection or whatever. Yeah, paranoid to the nth, but…I’ve seen it happen.

I was just trying to be merciful. Let the kids play inside a half hour because it’s so hot out in the sun with no shade in our yard. Now…I know, I can’t keep doing this, putting myself in this position, no matter how nice I want to be or how much these kids whine. I normally rely on basic human courtesy and etiquette- I personally would never just side step someone and come into their home uninvited even if my kid is inside and I am in a hurry. So when someone throws that polite decorum to the wolves…

Even with all my mental bullshit, I am astonished and it just feels…Like a violation.

Neurotic or justified?

In other news, Mrs. R abruptly called last night and informed us she was taking us out for Mexican food. Her treat. M’kay. We sat outside and they had a guy playing guitar and it was not awful. My kid refused to eat anything of course except dry nachos. This is fine as cos I had plain old nachos with meat and cheese, my palette is not refined at all. It’s narrow minded as hell. I TRY to adapt to whatever situation I am thrown into. My kid…Nope, she’d rather starve. Whatever.

Mrs. R has informed me that the shop is doing so badly financially that she’s been looking for a second job for R. I was stunned. I mean, she makes triple figures a year and he needs money for the house taxes, where she also lives when she’s home, and instead of chip in half to help..She decides he needs a second job. Yet she bitches that he doesn’t spend enough time with her cos he’s always working. My mind is…OUCH, it hurts trying to understand people.

I hated the donor. I had half the income he did. Yet I put every cent I had into our home and family. I guess I’m just viewing her as selfish and maybe it’s unfair. IDK.

But word has it that she has basically ordered him to use his friend Steph as a way to get on at…The  same place The Donor works. Hysterical, eh? Yeah, it’s a huge store but I do believe the first time R had to come face to face with the donor, punches just might fly. Not to mention, retail-ish work made R absolutely miserable.

I had a nightmare last night that he closed the shop down. Totally. Now it’s his business and I’ve benefited little as of late due to little business but…People need their electronics repaired and he’s the only decent game in 50 miles. For him to go out of business, after it being in business here in town for fifty plus years under the former owner…Wow. That’s just…suckage.

Especially in light of how plasma and LCD tv’s fail after three or four years. Repair is needed and thinking it might go away…Just depressing.  Especially just so he can go work retail to please his wife while probably making himself drink even more. Why oh why can’t she just chip in half on their home property taxes? Because it makes zero sense to bitch that all he does is work then tell him to get a second job. How does that…

Yeah, I give up trying to understand this shit. None of my business yet…Doubtful I’d be the only person sad to see a much needed business go out.

We’re supposed to go over there tonight so Spook can play with the grandkids. After a few Margaritas last night, it seemed like an okay idea. Today…I feel less than social. Zero desire. I won’t disappoint my kid, of course, because she’s been pretty good since the Great Splinter War of ’16 ended (she let her friend A finally yank it). I just don’t want to go.

Now my brain is back to the violation of safe bubble. Looking for every infraction he might hold against me as being unfit for his snowflake to be around. I know, I know, if I’d just get off my ass and get it cleaned up…The depression and scattered thoughts make it so very hard. I take a step forward, forget where I was, try again, forget where I was…

The insurance finally got back to me on the ADD med. Apparently the one the doc substituted for Focalin was still too expensive for them to cover so they found a lesser version. Except I have to drive the 8 miles and back to the dr office to get a new paper script which costs gas money and time in the dish. LOVELY, motherfuckers. Sooooo sick of this shit.

My kid is guilt tripping me that her friends had to go home cos they were dying of heat stroke. It’s been 94=[95 four days and they played outside fine. Today is barely 83 and they’re dying. Drama llama herd.

I need to go get groceries. I need to eat, I feel lithium nausea coming on. Yet I have zero energy. The random ovary squeezes by Oompa Loompas and back pain are annoying me. My day started out with “Yayness, it’s not so hot today and I can breathe, it’s only the mega hot days I’m too wimpy for!”

The safe space violation…And I am back to paranoid wounded “everything is shit” mind space.

Spew some sunshine, Morgue, it will make it all better if you have a better attitude.

Fuck a fancy bag.

And fuck sunshine spewers.


Another Depression Breakthrough?

If there was a depression breakthrough, and I could be cured, would I take the opportunity? That may sound like a ridiculous question. Of course, you’re probably thinking. Who wouldn’t want to be cured? It may seem easy, but I’m not sure. Yes, the manic stages are maddening and can get me in a lot […]

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Stateside Arrived

So my oldest is safely home and asleep.  We spent a long time talking last night so I didn’t get to post.  But she had an good flight and got home with lots of wonderful memories and keepsakes.

I stayed up late last night–I got inspired to go ahead and do my paper due Sunday so I did.  I still have to do my work cited page but that won’t be hard.  I did it on Biblical allusions in the one of the plays we were assigned.  So that was fun last night.

Now it’s down to the stretch trying to finish my project for the food memoir before we leave.  I burned myself out on it and haven’t typed hardly at all on it this week.  I only have less than ten more to type in to be able to send it off so I want to do it and at least try it in this contest.  SO I still have some work ahead of me on that.  ANd I still don’t have a firm title.  “Confessions of a Southern Cook” is still sounding the best,  so Imay jus tgo with that as a working title and see what they think.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

 


Chronic Pain

Imagine you are at your best friend’s wedding.  The ceremony has ended and the reception just begun when a trivial matter comes between the two of you.  You end up in an explosive fight, and she is so upset that she rushes out of her own reception.  She drives away, tears impairing her vision, and […]