I have started to realize that my differences are never more apparent than when I am with other people. And groups of like 10 or more people. I don’t really know why but I always notice little things that are just so different for me. People often joke around and laugh and make fun of each other. But it’s like I do it the wrong way or something. Or I say things I shouldn’t. I’m not totally convinced that this is Bipolar thing, I think it may just be a human thing. But I’m not really sure because it’s a rather strange conversation to start.
Anyway, I often find myself breaking down every word of every conversation to figure out where I went wrong. My sister and I were talking the other day and she was talking about some of the “bad” things she had done or got away with in middle and high school. It was a very strange conversation for me. I found myself sitting there thinking how come she doesn’t seem to feel bad or it’s more of a funny teenager thing. It confuses me. I have carried so many things around with me for so many years that I’m not sure I ever should have been carrying. Maybe a little part of that is true for all of us but mostly it’s like I can see that I have held on to things that I have no business holding onto. Things that only prove to keep me from being and doing great things. How much stronger will I be if I can let myself off the hook for those things that I did in my youth. If I can let the past go and allow myself to be thankful and proud of what I have and have done.
I am realizing that this is what I tell people all the time. You aren’t the sum of your mistakes, you are better and stronger and greater than the very worst thing you think you have ever done. I guess that’s where the Bipolar part comes in. I spent almost 20 years stuck on these things. I knew logically that I am smart, kind, friendly, loving, and nurturing but I FELT like my mistakes were what truly defined me. When I wondered what other people think of me I always assume the worst, I always think that what I have done is worse than any other person on the planet(how completely self gradising) and that I am the worst person ever.
Sometimes I wish I could have a running dictation of my thoughts. (Actually I’ve thought about carrying a tape recorder around and just saying everything out loud). It’s like sometimes they go so fast I can’t hold on to them long enough to really evaluate what they are and what their purpose is. So if I have them all on paper I can SEE them and then I can really start working on changing the ones that need to be changed. I know even as I have thoughts sometimes that they are irrational and that I am being too hard on myself. Or that for example, I believe God gave me my oldest son to save me from many of the bad reactions of a bipolar person. Wasn’t able to go too far off the deep end because I always had him. But then I’m ashamed that I got pregnant before I was a married and I somehow believe that makes me so much worse than those people around me. It’s not like I don’t know that a little insane but it’s still the way I feel. Logically I can point out all the reasons that I should let it go, or feel the blessing that my son is at the same time I am sad about my mistake. That probably doesn’t make sense. I think I don’t know how to say what I am trying to say. I just want to be able to put the good and the bad in their correct places. I guess maybe that’s the point. That many things in life aren’t black and white, that God uses even our greatest mistakes for HIs glory and forgiveness for the sin comes before we even realize we have sinned.
All those logical thoughts and characteristics are actually true. They aren’t a different part of me but are in fact the best part of me. The part that God wants me to always let shine and that He wants us to remember even when we are imperfect. God wants us to look at Him so that we don’t have time to look at ourselves and our dirtiness. He wants us to seek to become more like him and through that we become less of ourselves and more of hHim. And as we become more like him we need and desire the things of this world less and less. I still see the differences. I still wish I was a little more natural in group situations. I wish that I didn’t feel like I have to be the one that stands up and stands out. But I do. Somewhere a long the line people have stopped standing up and they have started being quiet. Just because I say something you don’t like doesn’t mean that it isn’t true or that it isn’t something that should be focused on a little more. I’m sure this will always be who I am. I am working on accepting that and learning how to control and use my gift without making things awkward or hurting the people around me. I know I will never get it exactly right but I look forward to learning more about myself and teaching myself how to use my gifts in the best way possible.
Be blessed!! And Happy Memorial Day! I will be posting tomorrow or Monday on what Memorial Day means tome.