Health Stress

Nothing like a health scare with one of your kids. My 28 year old daughter was having some headaches which we attributed to her rather stressful teaching job. She went to a GP to get some medicine. They decided to do a routine MRI and found a “small thing” in her brain. She has to go see a neurologist.

Of course, I am panicked out of my mind. I have read my devotionals, prayed, and talked to friends. My friends have been wonderful. One of them said she herself has a small cyst in her brain. Another said her niece has a “fatty tumor” on her brain which causes no problems. My daughter told me that the GP said it certainly could be nothing. But of course I am worried like heck.

I was keeping a diary of my week before all this happened today, so I will carry on with that as normal. When I hear any news of my daughter, I will post a short blog to let you know. I know many of you pray and I appreciate the prayers and good thoughts.

Last WED:

Not a busy day. Drove alone to yoga. Mood was fine in the morning, but felt mild/moderate depression in the evening. Birthday is coming up and I considered having a little birthday lunch with friends. Got sort of enthused about it, then decided it was too iffy. What if I woke up crying that morning? This made me feel sad and abnormal and set me up for a sad evening.

THURS:

Husband says I am in a mildly elevated mood. Woke up in a good mood, sewed, showered, did laundry…all good signs. I am feeling a little at loose ends. I feel like I have enough in my schedule to keep me busy, but I am bored. I don’t like the same routine week after week. But I feel like I can’t take on anything else right now. I’m just not dependable enough. I have a fear the blog is becoming a little dull…I still have great readership and good stats, but there’s just not much happening in my life. (This was before my daughter got sick!)

I went to yoga…it is really stretching out my back. The instructor said something funny:

“Lily, you have a body built for yoga.”

This is pretty funny if you saw me. I think she means I have flexible hips. Good news, I think. Felt a little down tonight. Just wanted to go to sleep @7. Sleep is a good escape for me.

FRI:

Woke up @6 which isn’t bad. Feel calm, just a bit nervous about getting around to everything this weekend. Even though he has completed a semester at the university, Danny graduates from community college tonight. Plus I have the therapist and a friend to meet for lunch. Tomorrow I am going to a MLB game for my middle son’s birthday. He is 25! Hard to believe.

Broke the needle on my sewing machine. Replaced it but it still won’t sew. Needs to go in to shop.

I got back from lunch, rested, and made it to graduation. Still pretty nervous riding in the car at night. Graduation was so nice- the kids looked awfully young. It was mercifully brief. I feel like I can rest a little tomorrow and do the baseball game.

Therapist says I absolutely should do the birthday luncheon. She said barring a serious case of the flu, I am perfectly capable of setting a date and going out with friends. I still haven’t decided.

Dealt with my daughter having a meltdown over something at school. Helped her use some CBT skills.

SAT:

Woke up in slightly elevated mood. A small worry about handling the baseball game. Am enjoying using the moodtracker app. Set a spa day with daughter. Got a good deal on Groupon.

It’s a tough situation to fill my days with worthwhile things. They need to be “one-off” things that I can miss if I wake up and just can’t suck it up. I have lots of things I am doing: devotionals, church, women’s support group, bipolar support group, 2 therapists, a psychiatrist, phone support partner, 2 yoga classes, one gym session, one walk, cooking, audio book, and quilting. We also work at and collect things for the homeless senior center.

But I need more meaning in my life. If you have any ideas…speak up!

I probably sound a bit whiny. Things are going good. It’s just that when you feel good you want to soak in all in. You get a little desperate.

I am going to a church retreat Fri thru Sun. I hope I can keep up.

I hit a snag on Sat night. Was coming up on time to leave for the baseball game and I got really anxious about riding all the way downtown in the car. Got dressed okay- just in a tiny bit of a panic. Decided to use my CBT strategies. Tried to think of that nice diet Coke and hot dog at the game.

Also, I tried to remember what my therapist said: “This is an event for your son’s birthday. You are going for him and your family. You can do it!”

So I went to the ball game. I walked around fine and stayed for the whole game. But I was so terrified on the way back home in the car. I don’t think exposure therapy is working for me. I tried to breathe, but I was really scared and struggled.

SUN:

Got up fine but had lots of struggles getting to church in the car. Disagreed with my husband over how serious FEAR is. He is claustrophobic but he says that’s a different kind of REAL fear. Yuck!

MON:

Woke up and cried a bit. This might be hard to understand, but I am not depressed, am just sad and overwhelmed with anxiety. I feel like no one understands. Meditating helped some. I see psychiatrist on Wednesday. Oh, to feel normal again. Took a shower.

TUES:

Woke up @5. Feel pretty decent…maybe baseline or slightly elevated. Feel slightly anxious (but not bad) about church retreat. Then I got a text from my daughter about her health issues. And back we go to the top of this blog.

Will let you know if we get any news.

love, lily

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