Daily Archives: May 18, 2016

Family Dinner

Tonight is family dinner so I don’t really have anything to post, yet anyhow. Maybe I’ll have something interesting to tell tomorrow.

I’m gonna just go and enjoy being with family. It’s nice to spend time with my MiL and SiL. I really love them both.


Soul Crushing Sadness

I have been trying to figure out how to be ok with letting my son move out. I KNOW in my head that it’s ok. Logically it is probably the best thing at this point. I don’t think he hates us I think he’s just ready to live his life and sort of be on his own. He will be staying with some form of relatives. I have known this was coming. I have spent my whole life trying to be good enough, as a mother, that my kids are independent, strong, kind, hard-working people. I know they will continue to grow for the rest of their lives but I’m there. The finish line is so close. Next year I get to watch my son as a Senoir play football and wrestle for his school. I get to watch him as he gets good grades and prepares himself for college. Even taking some college classes. I get to watch him graduate from high school an amazing young man that I consider myself blessed to know. Much less that he is my son and I somehow had a hand in who he is. I had to write him a note yesterday to tell him it was ok. That I wouldn’t be mad if he moved out and that no matter what I love him more than life itself. I’m going to paste it here. Maybe it will help someone else who is trying to come to terms with their child leaving the nest. I don’t know how long it will take me to be ok. Most of the time I feel like an anxiety attack could happen at any given moment if I think about it too much. I KNOW in time the sadness will ebb but I also know that I will always miss my sweet boy! Please love your kids, hold them and cherish them because no matter how much you think you do it will never have been enough in hindsight. Here is the letter I wrote my baby!

Justin,

My baby!! First, I want you to know that I love you. And that nothing you ever say or do changes that. It should be no surprise that I am not ready for you to move out. But that isn’t going to change tomorrow or next week or next year either. Your Dad and I discussed this together and came up with the best thing we thought for you for us and for everyone involved. Have you ever heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it’s true or at least in your case it is. Because I was so young when I had you you kind of got an added bonus. We lived with Nena and Papa until you were two and even after that we/you spent a lot of time with them. And in many ways Amanda and Joanna and Andrew almost fall under a sibling catalogs rather than aunts and uncle. Because of this closeness your Dad and I are in a position that not many parents are. We have people that we trust that love you and treat you well that are more than willing to be therefor you anytime anywhere. Not that they aren’t for the others but you are just a special kind of special. When I heard you were talking about moving out again I was pissed. For reasons I’m sure you have no need to hear again. I was also made because you basically thought you were going to use us for camp and then leave. And imagine my surprise when your Dad already had camp paid for and has no intention of taking thy away from you. I hope you realize there was a time would have not only taken away camp but you would probably be punished further. You are more lived and cherished than you will ever know. We are so proud of you!! I brag about you all the time because I don’t know how in the midst of being Bipolar and unmedicated I had a hand in raising you. If you ever wonder what Bipolar is like I would love to chat with you, or google it and look for different people’s experiences. Being medicated is a good thing. I feel better I feel different most of the time. But it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting because you are grown. I have been trying to stay in denial but if you move out soon I have no choice but to start facing the fact that you are basically grown. It’s no longer about punishments and instructions it’s about conversations and advice you have no obligation to keep or use. I bet about now you’re thinking what the crap is she typing this for? Well, it’s because I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok if you grow up and move out. I have no doubt you will be safe and that your senior year will be amazing!! But I can’t even think about it without crying. And I don’t want you to feel bad. It’s ok for you to grow up. It’s ok for you to start moving onward and upward. I just hope that we will still have a place in your life. That you will want to spend time around us and that you want to have a more adult relationship with us. I pray that God continues to watch over you and give you the strength to do anything that you want to do. I’m sure there will come a day when I adjust to you not being in the house but that day isn’t today and I don’t really see it happening soon. But I want you to know that it’s ok. We remember being 17 and so does everyone else. You’re just ready to get out. It’s not necessarily because you are mad or have a bad home life. It’s just because your ready to fly. And that is what I want for you. That is what I have spent so much time and energy trying to make happen. You are amazing. You are going to do amazing things and I believe you will effect every life you come in contact with in a positive way. Please don’t be mad at Jessica. She was trying to do the right thing. And in many ways this situation is better than any alternatives because if you leave we will all still love each other and want to spend time together. So maybe you need to thank her because while you are mad she also helped to get you what you want. I want you to understand one thing though. We don’t OWE you anything. We do things for you because we love you. You have watched us do and help Jessica for the last 4 years. We don’t help her because we have to. We help her because we love her and that’s what parents do. I hope that if/when you decide to leave you know without doubt that you are loved and cherished. That we will ALWAYS be here for you and parents don’t stop loving their kids ever!! I absolutely could not be more proud of you! I could be more thankful that God trusted me with you. And no one will ever convince me that having you in many ways saved my life from pain and probably more than I know. God made you extra special cause I am an extra crazy Mom! Sorry to inform you that probably is not going to change. But I want you to know I cherish our relationship. I’m thankful that we can talk and that we can laugh together. I hope this bond only gets stronger as you move into adulthood and don’t have to fear getting in trouble for things. We may not like everything that you do but you will never not be loved or welcome. So, if you are ready to move out do it. I won’t be mad. I very well may cry. And from now on when you see me you hug me. But I’m ok. And I will be ok. I love you! And I am so proud of you! I can’t wait to watch you play and wrestle next year and kick some butt. You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know it’s ok if you are ready to go.

Love always,

Mom


Soul Crushing Sadness

I have been trying to figure out how to be ok with letting my son move out. I KNOW in my head that it’s ok. Logically it is probably the best thing at this point. I don’t think he hates us I think he’s just ready to live his life and sort of be on his own. He will be staying with some form of relatives. I have known this was coming. I have spent my whole life trying to be good enough, as a mother, that my kids are independent, strong, kind, hard-working people. I know they will continue to grow for the rest of their lives but I’m there. The finish line is so close. Next year I get to watch my son as a Senoir play football and wrestle for his school. I get to watch him as he gets good grades and prepares himself for college. Even taking some college classes. I get to watch him graduate from high school an amazing young man that I consider myself blessed to know. Much less that he is my son and I somehow had a hand in who he is. I had to write him a note yesterday to tell him it was ok. That I wouldn’t be mad if he moved out and that no matter what I love him more than life itself. I’m going to paste it here. Maybe it will help someone else who is trying to come to terms with their child leaving the nest. I don’t know how long it will take me to be ok. Most of the time I feel like an anxiety attack could happen at any given moment if I think about it too much. I KNOW in time the sadness will ebb but I also know that I will always miss my sweet boy! Please love your kids, hold them and cherish them because no matter how much you think you do it will never have been enough in hindsight. Here is the letter I wrote my baby!

Justin,

My baby!! First, I want you to know that I love you. And that nothing you ever say or do changes that. It should be no surprise that I am not ready for you to move out. But that isn’t going to change tomorrow or next week or next year either. Your Dad and I discussed this together and came up with the best thing we thought for you for us and for everyone involved. Have you ever heard the saying it takes a village to raise a child? Well, it’s true or at least in your case it is. Because I was so young when I had you you kind of got an added bonus. We lived with Nena and Papa until you were two and even after that we/you spent a lot of time with them. And in many ways Amanda and Joanna and Andrew almost fall under a sibling catalogs rather than aunts and uncle. Because of this closeness your Dad and I are in a position that not many parents are. We have people that we trust that love you and treat you well that are more than willing to be therefor you anytime anywhere. Not that they aren’t for the others but you are just a special kind of special. When I heard you were talking about moving out again I was pissed. For reasons I’m sure you have no need to hear again. I was also made because you basically thought you were going to use us for camp and then leave. And imagine my surprise when your Dad already had camp paid for and has no intention of taking thy away from you. I hope you realize there was a time would have not only taken away camp but you would probably be punished further. You are more lived and cherished than you will ever know. We are so proud of you!! I brag about you all the time because I don’t know how in the midst of being Bipolar and unmedicated I had a hand in raising you. If you ever wonder what Bipolar is like I would love to chat with you, or google it and look for different people’s experiences. Being medicated is a good thing. I feel better I feel different most of the time. But it doesn’t stop my heart from hurting because you are grown. I have been trying to stay in denial but if you move out soon I have no choice but to start facing the fact that you are basically grown. It’s no longer about punishments and instructions it’s about conversations and advice you have no obligation to keep or use. I bet about now you’re thinking what the crap is she typing this for? Well, it’s because I want you to know that it’s ok. It’s ok if you grow up and move out. I have no doubt you will be safe and that your senior year will be amazing!! But I can’t even think about it without crying. And I don’t want you to feel bad. It’s ok for you to grow up. It’s ok for you to start moving onward and upward. I just hope that we will still have a place in your life. That you will want to spend time around us and that you want to have a more adult relationship with us. I pray that God continues to watch over you and give you the strength to do anything that you want to do. I’m sure there will come a day when I adjust to you not being in the house but that day isn’t today and I don’t really see it happening soon. But I want you to know that it’s ok. We remember being 17 and so does everyone else. You’re just ready to get out. It’s not necessarily because you are mad or have a bad home life. It’s just because your ready to fly. And that is what I want for you. That is what I have spent so much time and energy trying to make happen. You are amazing. You are going to do amazing things and I believe you will effect every life you come in contact with in a positive way. Please don’t be mad at Jessica. She was trying to do the right thing. And in many ways this situation is better than any alternatives because if you leave we will all still love each other and want to spend time together. So maybe you need to thank her because while you are mad she also helped to get you what you want. I want you to understand one thing though. We don’t OWE you anything. We do things for you because we love you. You have watched us do and help Jessica for the last 4 years. We don’t help her because we have to. We help her because we love her and that’s what parents do. I hope that if/when you decide to leave you know without doubt that you are loved and cherished. That we will ALWAYS be here for you and parents don’t stop loving their kids ever!! I absolutely could not be more proud of you! I could be more thankful that God trusted me with you. And no one will ever convince me that having you in many ways saved my life from pain and probably more than I know. God made you extra special cause I am an extra crazy Mom! Sorry to inform you that probably is not going to change. But I want you to know I cherish our relationship. I’m thankful that we can talk and that we can laugh together. I hope this bond only gets stronger as you move into adulthood and don’t have to fear getting in trouble for things. We may not like everything that you do but you will never not be loved or welcome. So, if you are ready to move out do it. I won’t be mad. I very well may cry. And from now on when you see me you hug me. But I’m ok. And I will be ok. I love you! And I am so proud of you! I can’t wait to watch you play and wrestle next year and kick some butt. You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to. I just wanted you to know it’s ok if you are ready to go.

Love always,

Mom


Friends II

Saw my MFA friend Katrina today for lunch.  We talked about the past semester and what all we had taken in class and what all we did.  It was fun. She said it just about killed her to take four classes with the workload. So I know I’m doing the right thing by going slowly. But we had a good time comparing notes and talking about different projects we had worked on throughout the semester.

Tomorrow is my last day to lunch with somebody for a while–I’ll get my hair done then eat out with my friend Holly. Then summer starts and I’ll need to be at home more.  We will see how that all goes. I am looking forward to this summer–I think we have a lot of good activities planned and will enjoy ourselves.

I’ ve been in a good mood state lately–I think it’s getting good sleep and less stress now that my school is out.  I’m enjoying school but am enjoying the short break I have as well.  I have all the books for 20th Century Drama so I am looking forward to digging into them during the next semester.  There are five of us in class so I think it will go well–everyone I’ve been in class with before so it will be nice to see them again.

 Hope everyone has a good ending to their week!


BpHope Post #5

Ready. Set. Sail! Hey. Sorry I’ve been so quiet. Shit hit the fan a few nights ago. My husband finally let loose all the bottled up pent up emotions he has been hiding for the past 8 months and let me have it. I haven’t even done anything in a month. Well whatever. It’s not… More BpHope Post #5

Bipolar1Blog: One of Healthline’s Best Blogs of 2016

Once again! So honored and so thankful to be one of Healthline’s bipolar disorder best blogs of 2016!

Thank you Healthline.com 

http://www.healthline.com/health/bipolar-disorder/best-blogs-of-the-year


Happy Anniversary

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 22. Marriage is not always easy. We’ve weathered hard times. Well worth it. He has my ba


Filed under: Gratitude, Marriage Tagged: anniversary, love, wedding

Bucket List

It’s all the rage. Everyone seems to have them these days. Its time I jump on the band wagon and make mine. Of course, I’m talking about a bucket list. If you’re not sure what a bucket list is, here’s the definition from The Urban Dictionary: A list of things to do before you die. […]

The post Bucket List appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

The Tooth and Nothing But the Tooth!

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. A few people have asked how my dentist appointment went after my post The Cracked Tooth as a Metaphor. I was going in with the attitude that if all my teeth are going to crack and fall apart, … Continue reading

Black Cats, Stigma, & Sheffield, Again

Owl bag (left) does not approve of cats on tables: Airy Fairy, Sheffield 2016

Owl bag (left) does not approve of cats on tables: Airy Fairy, Sheffield 2016

We humans are creatures of associations. I was back in Sheffield yesterday: “back” in that I worked there for 20+ years, then had a break of two years or so. Then I was back again, for one very intense year, before transferring to Donny. It was great being back again, volunteering for Time to Change at a mental health event at Sheffield University.

Back, back in … oh hell, here’s that track. It was in my mind, if not yours.

Twenty five or so years represents almost half my life. The first decade, however, wasn’t so good. I disliked my job, which resulted in my disliking Sheffield, too. Later, I drifted into something which was more my thing, and my attitude toward Sheff began to change.

When I married, the family held its collective breath to see how Mama Buna -Romanian for grandmother – would react. Fortunately, many years earlier, the family lived next door to an Englishwoman, and Mama Buna liked her. The lady even gave my grandmother a planter which was in her garden for many years.

So my British husband – who considers himself more Yorkshire, than English – was okay in Mama Buna’s eyes.

A win for association.

Good luck? Bad luck? Or simply a cat? Airy Fairy, 2016

Good luck? Bad luck? Or simply a cat? Airy Fairy.

One of the smaller adjustments I had to make when I moved to Britain was the belief that black cats – bad luck in the States, especially if they cross your path – are a symbol of good luck here.

But the cat is just a cat: although, in the cat’s opinion – and mine, for that matter – there is no “just” about cats.

Angela Slater from Time to Change, and the rest of the groups which included Sheffield Mind, several carers’ groups, and staff and volunteers from the local Mental Health Trust, were there in part to persuade students and staff alike that people with mental health problems are no different than the rest of us.

We’re all human. Like everyone else, sooner or later, we get sick: physically, mentally, or both.

How can you not love a city which has a Jarvis Cocker poem on the side of a building?

How can you not love a city which has a Jarvis poem on a building?

Don’t they teach you no brains at that school?” – Jarvis Cocker

Sometimes, it seems as though we’re teaching children useless facts, rather than life skills.

Skills like cooking, and paying bills, and how to get along with others, as well as themselves.

And the ability to treat mental health problems the same as physical ones.

Angela Slater (left) from Time to Change talking to a woman from another mental health group.

Angela Slater (left) from Time to Change talking to a woman from another mental health group.

On my way to Sheffield, and the Student Union where the event took place, it never crossed my mind to compare my breast cancer diagnosis, to my bipolar one.

But the comparison is apt, I think, when it comes to stigma. I can remember when cancer started coming out of the broom cupboard. It seems odd now that 50 years ago, I wouldn’t have dared to talk publicly about having early stage cancer.

Suspicious character spotted at Sheffield University

Suspicious character spotted at Sheffield University

Why should schizophrenia, bipolar, personality disorders, depression, and anxiety be any different?

We are imperfect beings. We get sick, and it isn’t always our physical bodies which feel the strain. Sometimes, it’s our mental health. And sometimes, it’s both.

Yesterday, it was time to talk about mental health.

It still is.

Cake is good for the soul, unless of course you've gone for a cuppa with Owl Bag.

Cake is good for the soul, unless you’ve gone for a cuppa with Owl Bag.

Tagged: beliefs, bipolar, breast cancer, Britain, cats, Jarvis Cocker, luck, mental health, poetry, Sheffield, stigma, Time to Change