Daily Archives: May 17, 2016

I Have Hope For Hope

mission in life

Hope.  It comes and it goes, it fluctuates wildly over the course of every day.  Some moments, I feel downright defeated, and others I feel as if I can take on any little issue that comes my way.  Today was a day where hope varied widely over the course of the day.  What counts is that there is hope in this moment, and so I have hope for hope, hope in the future.

If I am being entirely honest with myself, and can put to side all of the niggling irritations that I sometimes let consume me, I don’t want my life to look like it does now in five years, or even five months.  There are things I want to do, to accomplish, to weave into my day-to-day routine.  I want things to be *better* and I want things to be *ok*.

If I am being completely honest, “things” ARE better than at certain moments in the past.  Quite a bit better, actually.  Sometimes I go back in time and wade through blog entries of years past, and I see that I have come a very long way in many areas.  At this moment, I can count back even a month or two or six and see what a vast distance I have traveled.  Rosa on the bipolar train, it goes around in circles, but it is altogether *better* than it ever has been, even while I can see many improvements that I want to make.

if you dont ask

I have a secret, y’all.  Someday, I want to work again, even if it’s just a little bit.  I want to work in some capacity where I am helping people, like I used to, in my former worklife.  It obviously can’t be as stressful or have as much responsibility behind it, but I itch to do something, anything that makes a difference in someone else’s life.

I feel like I come from a place where I have all of these tools I have learned, and I really think maybe they could help a person or two.  I don’t have everything figured out, but on a clear day, I have quite a bit figured out.  I don’t claim to be better than anyone else, or know more than anyone else, but I do have a unique angle, I do have a life that other people (I think) could relate to.

I’m thinking about talking with my DBT leader about someday (we’re talking months, maybe a year) being in a peer support role, where I attend DBT meetings as someone other than a client.  I have had years and years of DBT — I truly believe it is something I would be good at.

If I could teach just one person how to find willingness, man, that would be something.  I have a few blog friends who consistently over time have encouraged me to write a book.  It is only in the last month or so that I have started to take that advice seriously, and have thought, just maybe I could.  Maybe I SHOULD.

mind will believe

If I can rise over the negativity that seems to settle cloud-like around my brain nearly every day, without warning, then I think there is hope.  I think that this photo to the right is true, that your mind believes everything you tell it, and maybe I should start telling my mind that I CAN and I WILL and surround it with love.

None of this is rocket-science, and I may lose sight of everything I have written today by the time tomorrow gets here, and maybe this is all just a little bit of hypomania thrown into the mix, but things are really starting to make sense, to click, and I think the key just might be the hope I am holding out for hope.


Filed under: Life Worth Living Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, DBT, depression, dialectical behavior therapy, gratitude, hope, negativity, peer mentoring, positivity

Breathing with my Fingers

As my current bipolar season continues, I’m ever so grateful for this new tool of Art Journaling.  Since there are several stages to creating a spread, I can always find some piece that will fit my state of mind.  Whether it’s pulling images out of my stash for the collage bits:

Civil War Spread

 

Or finding new ways to use text:

Air Spread

 

Or slipping into a Zen state while making boarders and lines:

Into the Storm Spread

 

Or trying out a new tool, like this very fine tipped Pilot marker:

Eyeballs

 

I can camp out at my coffee shop with my journal and let my illness be.

Megan, my therapist, said I’m not fighting it anymore, and that feels true.  It seems to be getting easier to accept whatever my illness brings—the quicksilver changes in mood, the sudden shifts in functionality.  Those things aren’t good or bad anymore.  They’re just me.

I still try to stuff myself into a “normal” sausage casing sometimes, expecting to move around in the world the way other people do.  But, as I sit with my journal, with all the space it creates in my head, I’ve started to unhook from those expectations and get curious about how I might move differently in the world.

Today, for example, I looked at how I keep trying to make commitments (like being on a committee or taking a class) when my illness makes that nearly impossible.  At some point, when my symptoms become severe, I’m forced to drop everything.  So, instead of continuing to bash myself over the head for being “unreliable,” perhaps there’s another way.  Maybe it’s a matter of showing up when I’m able.  I know the world doesn’t work this way, but I do, and I would like to honor that more.

More acceptance.  More integration.  That seems to be a by-product of all this artsy-fartsy stuff.  I’m breathing more with my fingers, slipping into meditation with color and line.  It’s a new kind of Practice.

I’ve come to a place with my art that I found a while ago with my writing—loving the mistakes and crap as much as anything that “turns out.”  The Shitty First Drafts and the Muddled Attempts are my best teachers.  They point me to the next piece of Practice.  They’re the ones who taught me to accept it all—my writing, my art and, of course, my bipolar disorder.

Funny how that all comes together.

I’m on a Funny Adventure.


Friends

Went to see my friend Mary Jane, who just retired from the state agency I used to work for for Social Security.  She was so much happier than she used to be.  I think it was a great idea for her to retire and enjoy life before typical retirement age.  SHe is reading and traveling and taking caré of fire rescue dogs. She was so happy.

I have another friend who has retired a couple of years back but is bored.  I understand that.  That’s part of why I’m  going back to school about.  I don’t want to get bored.

Days like this I don’t get bored, though.  Went to PT and then cleaned then went to lunch with her, then laundry here.  I have lunch with Katrina tomorrow and Holly the next day, then school is out. Busy week.

Hope everyone has a good week!

 


Reblog – Book Promotion Offer Here!

Please share this post with any authors, writers, or bloggers that might need some help promoting their books and novels! Are you in need of help promoting your book? Want to spread your title to a larger group and audience?…

About the HuffPost Articles

I’ve been sending HuffPost my old posts from bipolar1blog. The Clint Makarchuk interviews and the “Depression Help” post are both previously posted on bipolar1blog. HuffPost doesn’t care if it’s previously published, so I thought it would be a good idea to send it to them, and possibly get more readers 😊 

A slight problem I encountered is that 4 different websites took my Clint Malarchuk interviews and put them on their website without crediting either me or bipolar1blog. I think I’m going to have to sign these right on the post from now on. 

Thank you for all your support, my dear friends and blog mates. 

Love and hugs to all. 


Two, No Three, Songs #Writing101

Originally posted April 8, 2015. An oldie, but goodie…

Kitt O'Malley

Today’s prompt was to think of three songs then free write about them. I came up with two. Two perfect songs. Both beautiful. Both worthy of life. Both true. Duke Ellington I love. I’ve been a fan of his for decades. Perhaps since I was a young girl as my father loved straight-ahead jazz and I inherited his passion for American Jazz. When I took private singing lessons I studied the Ellington songbook. My fantasy was to be singing jazz standards in a slinky dress while on top of a grand piano. Rosemary Clooney’s sexy voice and Ellington’s band is perfect.

What better flip side to Mood Indigo than Pharrell’s Happy? I feel both. I embrace both. I am a passionate woman. Here I free write within my WordPress Dashboard not sure whether or not I will share this. Most likely I will. I tend to rewrite to edit…

View original post 476 more words


Filed under: Mental Health, Writing Tagged: Duke Ellington, happy, Mood Indigo, Music, Pharrell Williams, Pink F, Rosemary Clooney, The Wall, Writing 101