Daily Archives: May 16, 2016
So I got my oldest shipped out to Scotland today for her study abroad. We drove up to where they were flying out from yesterday, and I took her to the airport today and got her intol the hands of her professor and came home. I ate lunch, went grocery shopping, and am now cooking supper. My husband requested broccoli cheese casserole, so I’m trying a new recipe. My middle one requested Asian for tomorrow, so we will do that next.
My middle one went for allegery testing. She reacted to grasses, pollens, ragweed, and dust mites. So she is starting an allergy regiment to control her symptoms and see what we can do about her repeated sinus infections. Hopefully we won’t have to go to allergy shots and hopefully she will never be as allergic as Bob. But we will see.
I don’t have the best teeth in the world. I have genetics to thank for this along with eight years of “railroad tracks”, the original cemented on braces that were as hard on teeth as they were productive in straightening … Continue reading
When you were going along just fine. You were on the precipice of having your regular schedule back at work after several months of working too much. You and your husband were getting along and not only that learning how to better work through disagreements and tough issues. You sister is having a baby in November(ya another baby to love on). Your daughter moved to town in February and you get to see her and her boys almost everyday. Your grandson says, “sure do” and you have to say “love you” back or he will keep saying it over and over. He is a precious gift. You started tanning again so maybe you can feel a little better about yourself. Then your son, your first born, tells someone that he is thinking about moving out and living with his Nena and Papa. I am officially thrown. I officially have a very tight hold on that last string that’s about to break. I want with everything that is in me to be mad at him, to make him stay, to tell my parents and the rest of my village that I will disown them if they help him. These are things that I WANT to do. I even told my family they couldn’t help him the day that I found out.
He’s 17 and will be a Senior in the fall. I want to keep him with me. I have been telling people for several months that I am in denial about him graduating. He’s my baby!! This wasn’t supposed to happen this fast and I don’t know how to behave if he is no longer in my house. I thought I had another year,I’m just not ready!!
Having said all of that I believe we do what’s right for our kids as well as ourselves. My son doesn’t really want to leave because he hates us. He’s just ready to be out and be a grown up. I don’t know how many people have an amazing village like I have but I know that, even when I hate it, I am blessed by and for having it. Most likely my son would go to stay with my parents. He would go to the same school, I can still go to his games and meets. And he can still come over once a week to eat with us and watch a TV show or movie. We really don’t want him to be unhappy. More importantly we don’t want him to end up leaving with all of us mad and then we lose the relationships we have.
As for me…my heart is broken! Not because he may leave but because I love him so much! I had him a month after I turned 18 he has been there with me through everything always. He has a been a sweet, caring, and kind kid. He is growing into an amazing man and hopefully one day father of his own kids. I couldn’t be more proud of him. Of course he doesn’t understand what the big deal is. I actually haven’t really talked to him because I don’t want to come across as mad and I not want to be a crying baby either. I want him to know how proud I am and that it really is ok if he wants to move out. I will be ok, eventually. Right now I can’t even think about it, much less talk without tears streaming down my face and feeling like my heart will break. I wish I knew how to change it. How to make it better or easier somehow. I know there is probably isn’t an easier but I honestly have no idea how I am going to make it and keep going. Everytime I let myself reflect even for a moment my eyes tear up again. I have had to stop 3 times writing this because I couldn’t see through the tears.
Being bipolar is only making this worse. It has to be. I can’t imagine every mother going through his intense feeling. If they do I have no idea how they made it. I don’t understand how you ever recover. Maybe you don’t. More than one in my life I have been so tired of being me. So tired of trying all the time. So tired of figuring out what the best thing would be. So tired of feeling things in a way that seems amplified and out of control. So tired of feeling like I am watching myself be a train wreck and having no ability to stop it. Actually I can stop the feelings, all I have to ignore them and go through life like a zombie. Who wants to do that? I have no desire to stick my head in the sand and pretend life isn’t going on around me. Hopefully time will allow this fear and sadness to lessen, as I’m sure I will always be a little sad. Hopefully we will be able to laugh and I will feel pride again instead of this sadness and fear. Please please hug your babies, spend time with them, even if it makes them mad. It is true that time flies!! It still feel like yesterday that he was a baby!!
Back in October, Sadie had suggested doing a Pros & Cons of Existence, which I opted not to do because it sounded too dangerous. What would happen when I weighed the evidence and found that it was much more in favor of not existing? Well, I’m about ready to do that pros & cons list […]
I don’t know if I should post when I remember to post or just when my alarm goes off. Waiting for the alarm gives me more of a chance of something happening to me. Otherwise, it’s Reba til Two, The Middle til Five, Last Man Standing til Eight, The Middle til ten, then mike & molly, two broke girls til midnight where I go to bed.
Sometimes I stop watching TV and actually play on my computer or paint.
Then there are those rare days where I leave the house.
Today I think I’ll just stick with my original plan and chill on the couch for the day, I have no motivation.
P.S. I’m sorry if I don’t respond to comments, I love reading them, I’m just not good at responding and I don’t want people to feel left out if I don’t know what to say. I’m very happy that I got as many comments as I did about my tunes.
Mood My healthy, balanced state continued. I did deal with some major anxiety a couple of times, but thankfully had no panic attacks. Overall, I’m very pleased with the week. I’ve felt so good that I’ve been looking into Vocational Rehab again for help training and getting a job. I do this every time I […]
It’s cold, I have cramps, and my hormones are surging, mostly toward rage at every tiny thing. I know it’s legitimate rage, but amplified by all of this. Thankfully I have the veil of lithium and depression to dull it to the point I don’t have energy to even act on irrational anger.
I fucked up Saturday. My kid asked me last week to take her to the downtown celebration and I told her I don’t do crowds, maybe Poppy can take you…Then she had her demonoid fit and I grounded her. Still when dad asked Saturday…I let them take her. I gave them instructions NOT to buy her stuff, and make her eat whatever food she was offered no matter her protestations. I needed a break, and I felt bad for needing a break, but damn.
My trust in them, limited as it is, was wrong. She returned. They’d taken her out, gotten her hair trimmed and styled, fed her at the buffet place complete with ice cream, paid for her to have a pony ride and play games and get candy….MOTHERFUCKER. They’re always on my ass about not setting boundaries then they do shit like this. I honestly thought I could trust them on this issue.
My asshole father made it worse when he started carrying on about “you need to start saving your money and get a different car by winter.” What the fuck? You just saddled me with this piece of shit, I tell you I want to invest in fixing it, I just need a loaner car when it’s in the shop, and you flat out refuse to loan me a car and want me to get another one?
I was so fucking mad I probably would have physically attacked his skull with a concrete block were it not for lithium.
He has NO idea how hard change is on me. I finally accept this death trap and oh no, let’s get another one. ON MY DIME. Honestly, what’s the fucking difference in saving up to buy another possible death trap versus investing in fixing what I have? If the bugs get worked out, based on how many miles i drive in a year, this car could have five or six years left in it. NOOOO, it makes more sense to view cars as a temp job and move on to the next. HUH? This man is on my last fucking nerve. And here I am trying to be responsible and do the right thing, he has five vehicles, and can’t even loan me one for a week or two once my car goes into the shop?>
My kid asked me yesterday who my top three enemies are. I honestly couldn’t name anyone outside my family and the donor. Even asshole R rates as a frenemy. It’s always my fucking family.
They made it even worse by stopping by my mom’s with Spook with them. She’s now pissed that I “think we’re not good enough to visit Spook”. I am having such a hard time right now and they had to go start shit with my mom. Jesus.
R hasn’t spoken to me in days and I have ceased to care. Last I talked to him was a text. He wanted me to do something at the shop. I responded with, “Later, dealing with lithium sickness now.” To which I get, “You want me to do it myself or find someone else all together?”
The sensitivity overwhelms. I told him to follow his bliss and haven’t heard since. Fuck him. I am drowning here.
I have zero doubt all of this is my fault. I am moody, pms-y, pissy, immature, irresponsible, anti social, lazy, whateverinsulttheywanttoinserthere.
I am too far down the rabbit hole to care. I need to cut them all out like the cancerous lumps they are. All they do is poison me. Frankly, were it not for legal issues and the donor making some bogus claim about me “kidnapping” my own kid…I’d just pack up and leave this shit hole behind. I have zero emotional attachment to this place or these people. My kid, my cats, my computer- those are my life. And I don’t want any sad looks by whoever reads that. I am HAPPY with this arrangement. I always have been. It’s society who can’t handle those most comfortable alone.
Is this fucking depression ever gonna lift? I didn’t think it could get worse than last year’s Latarda debacle. Yet it is worse because I can’t claw my way out. And I swear the weather is a big factor. It’s not May if you go by the weather. At a yard sale the other morning, everyone was in their winter coat. What the fuck is that? If I can’t escape the depression I should at least be able to enjoy warmth. Nope, denied.
So now I have to worry about another car by October since this one has no heat and I can’t get a loaner car. I can’t ever get a break from my kid because my family factions usurp me at every turn. I can’t go outdoors lest the devil locust girls come suck out my soul. I can’t get caught up on housework. I can’t put away my winter clothes cos winter ain’t over yet.
I used to think, Oh, look, I haven’t blogged in a week, everything is going well.
Now it’s like, I haven’t blogged in a couple of days BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS SHIT AND INFURIATING AND I DON’T WANT INFECT ANYONE WITH MY STRAIN OF FUCKED UP!
I wanna go back to bed.
A common theme in my life has been overcoming adversity. Over the years those obstacles have been in many shapes and signs. But I have learned to persevere and most often beat the odds and silence the critics.
I have taken on the challenge of writing a book. I expect it to be available sometime soon. Hope you will follow me on this journey it is going to be a fun ride!
Coming Soon – “Triumph Over Adversity: An Olympians Journey with Mental Illness.