I am unfocused today. More so than usual. My brain’s ping pong balls are all up in the air and bouncing off of stuff. The weather is cool and gloomy so my mood is low. I am jumpy, feeling almost like my skin is crawling off my bones with no trigger.
So far this morning I’ve had R nagging me about “if you want your car fixed, you need to come help me…” I try to explain the lithium nausea and say later…He says it’s just me making excuses.
No. No, this shit is not an excuse. It’s an explanation. It’s insulting we even need to explain because even the most simple minded life form can grasp that one with a broken leg is not going to make good time in a marathon and that’s understandable. Depression? Forgetaboutit. No one cares or understands or even attempts to.
I am so sick of being accused of being lazy because my depression has gotten so bad. Feeling this way sucks. I can’t be more succinct than that.
I am so over this friend thing. Over this car thing. I knew he was going to hold me hostage. His wife told me, no, he won’t do that. I know the man. He’s doing it, I said he would. And it feels like being in a stranglehold.
The catch 22 is…Even if I had the money to take it to a proper shop…They’d keep it for god knows how long and I gotta have a car, this is not the town for walking or cheap public transport. I mean, one would think in such event my dad could loan me one of their five vehicles but nope, doesn’t work that way in my family.
So here I am in a stranglehold. Resenting every minute of it, which is not surprisingly, making a difficult friendship feel even more difficult. And it wouldn’t matter if it was anyone other than R. I just don’t like people having something to hold over me and manipulate me with.
I don’t like the way I am feeling today. At all. No doubt pms is playing a role. I often wonder just how much my hormones have to do with my moods. It’s so strange that shrinks pay no mind to this crucial factor, yet everyone is fine with “pregnant woman are crazy with hormones.” Imbalance is imbalance, fetus carrier or not.
So much suckage.
I hate derp-ression.