Life Goes On

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So don’t let anyone tell you the mentally ill cannot be closed minded about other mentally ill people. I was in my NAMI support meeting last week and a woman came in with her hair matted. She didn’t smell too good. I was making all sorts of judgments in my mind.

Turns out this woman knew everything. She knew where to see a psychiatrist for free on an emergency basis. She knew how to get free meds until your paycheck came in. She was mighty impressive. And I was mighty embarrassed in my own mind.

I’m doing a devotional routine every morning. This includes a short Bible reading, some excerpts from books, praying with my prayer beads, and a short meditation. It’s a good routine for me. I have a prayer list I pray for every day. Lots of interesting stuff on there.

WED LAST WEEK:

Got up and wrote the blog. Couldn’t figure out how I felt….a little anxious, a little depressed? God, I hope it is not depression. Sent texts to a few friends. Started using a new app on my phone called moodtracker.com at the request of my doc. This thing is very handy. I print it out for both therapists and my psychiatrist at visits.

I sewed a long seam on the quilt and brushed that annoying cat. I got anxious and just couldn’t drive to yoga. Was disappointed. Stayed home, took a nap, got dinner together.

THURS:

Woke up at 5…overwhelmed with anxiety. Cancelled a breakfast with a very understanding friend. It was sad, because I already had a shower and everything. My friend offered to come over. We wound up gabbing on the phone and rescheduling our meal.

Drove the car to the oil change place and back. Hands shook but I did it. Sewed and took it easy.

FRI:

Didn’t sleep so well as youngest came in late @2:30. Had quite a bit planned to do, but pared it down to the “must-do’s”…therapy appointment and phone support meeting. Mornings are seriously tough. Lots of anxiety this morning…worried about everything and jumpy. Frustrating. Tried to calm down and take it easy. Sewed and got that cat brushed, did my support call…..realized at 11 I had not taken my meds. Uh-oh.

Saw my therapist and dealt with some sensitive stuff. Cried, which I hate. We’re working on trying to celebrate the good that has happened in my life.

SAT: (daughter’s birthday)

Got up, felt calm and okay. Took meds and a small dose of Klonopin (.25), which is not too much. I drove the car down to the car wash. Did a few other little things and called my aunt in Florida. This was a little sad as we didn’t have a lot to say. (I think I need to jot down a few topics for next time.) Daughter and husband went out to get a dessert and flowers for her birthday.

I started crying. Have no idea why. Just very sad-not really depressed, just sad. Like I have done something wrong but don’t know what. Took a shower and stopped crying. Did some reading online and was reminded Rexulti can cause anxiety.

SUN: (Mother’s Day)

Was wide awake from 1:3o to 5:30. Was totally unable to get up and go to church. Took a nap till about 11. Went out with family for brunch. Everyone was in a good mood, which is amazing for three kids. Vegetarian son decided he would eat eggs. Came home and rested. Got some pretty iris and stargazer lilies for the holiday. Got cards and notes from the kids.
Middle son:

Hi mom:)

Happy Mother’s Day

First I’d like to say I love you and hope today is a great day.

I’d also like to remind you that I am extremely grateful for all you’ve done in my life: getting on me to go to college, helping me out whenever I needed it, handling my less than good times. It makes a huge difference having a mother who is always willing to help when needed. So thank you very much, I will always be indebted to you for all you’ve done and would be lost without you. I’d also like to say hang in there! I know you are experiencing some anxiety these days (we all are!) but it is definitely getting better. You’re driving now which is exciting; the rest will come soon enough. Not everyone can say they have as great a mother as I do so thank you. I love you and hope you have a fantastic and beautiful mother’s day!

That was a nice letter, for sure.

We went out for a drive and I was definitely feeling mild/ moderate depression. Finished up the night and felt a little better. Sort of a gentle up and down.

MON:

Woke up and felt calm and normal. A little nervous that the bottom would fall out. Sewed and finished the quilt except for the borders. Youngest had a friend over…went upstairs and took a nap. Drove to women’s support group and then husband drove me to CBT therapist. Still feeling calm. No anxiety.

TUES:

Drove around on some errands. Pretty calm- nice mood. Husband took over driving for longer errands. Did NOT like riding on the freeway, but did it. Are lunch out, took a nap, and went to NAMI meeting. Several new faces. Drove home from meeting.

Goals for driving:

  1. Drive around at night a bit.
  2. Drive to church the long way (avoid the freeway).

This was my week. If you have a chance, check out moodtracker.com

love to all,

lily

 

 

 

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