Daily Archives: May 11, 2016
A common thing you will hear amongst people that have a fear of heights is not a fear that they will fall, but a fear that they will have the compulsion to jump. This sort of fear that they will not be able to control themselves, like they absolutely have to know what the experience […]
Surprisingly today was a pretty decent day! My boss had a day off and the owner of our store was there to help out. It seems that he is getting a real grip on what we are dealing with right now. He says things are going to start changing. But at the end of the day I’m not holding my breath. The girl I started training to day is awesome however and she only a year or so younger than me so maybe we finally found someone dependable. It seems to me that at some point if someone can’t get their stuff together it’s time to cut ties. But what do I know I’ve only been working in this business for almost 20 years.
On another note I have been feeling pretty good the last week. I have been remembering to take my allergy medicine and with the start of seroquil I am sleeping better and I think it has helped to mellow me out further when I’m awake. It truly is a roller coaster in so many ways. But I enjoy having the ability to control my emotions and do things the way they are supposed to be done. I also enjoy sharing with the people around me. The girl I worked with today told me it seemed like I could get along with almost anybody. And she was right. Generally I like all kinds of people. Unless they lie to me and then I get done pretty quick. You could tell me the worst thing ever and I would take that better and easier than finding out someone lied to me. There are too many people that try to hard and want good things for me to spend time on people who find it necessary to lie.
I’m hoping that I can stay stable and mellow like I am now for quite a while. I feel like I can handle things again, even things that are hard without flipping out. That is always a plus for me as I am pretty not very nice when I am deep in being manic or depressed. And I do things like want to or try to quit my job, yell at my kids a for nothing and just pretty much all around not pleasant. I think it’s good to know yourself well enough to cause the least amount of damage. I am considering going back to counseling for 2 or 3 months. Generally, I don’t need to talk about all my stuff all the time but I need a counselor type of feedback. It’s easier for me to see and change things when I have someone to reflect my words and emotions back to me. We will see I’m still thinking about it.
Tonight everyone is actually coming. They’ll be no booze or weed for me, so I’ll have to deal with it somehow else.
I don’t even feel like cooking honestly. I’m kinda of just sad. I thought I could talk my husband into getting the 160.oo but he stuck to his guns for a change. Frustrating!
I’ll let you know how it all goes over.
For Mother’s Day, I got a tantrum from my kid who said, “I want to kill you!” Charming, no? All because I told her I didn’t have the money to take her out to lunch. It’s true. Child support means more cash, but that cash goes toward buying the food stamps we lost and her and her little friends are eating me out of house and home. Off to the races she went anyway. Making my day about her, as kids do.
Monday was a dark dark day. I could not function above the bare minimum. I had cramps, my panxiety was high, my energy was nil, my motivation belonged on a milk carton…I’d agreed to come to the shop after being guilt tripped about “help me and I’ll help with your car” except I seem to be helping a lot more than he is. So I did what I always do when I am in dark space and feeling fragile. I avoided his texts and calls. And lied about it after the fact. Of course, he guilt texted me until I finally replied and went off on me for flaking out, screwing up his plans, blah blah blah. I had an hour before spawn time so I went by and let him go run his precious errands and grab some lunch. Not even a pack of smokes for my trouble. He’s clueless how hard it is to function, even minimally, when every fiber of your being feels encased in the concrete that is depression. I should get an award just for managing to be guilted.
I did try to explain my plight, the trouble with the meds making me sick and not helping the depression (I typed derp-ression, that sounds more accurate) so some days I just CANNOT function at the level he demands. Which dissolved into a conversation that pretty much made it clear I am wrong about everything, just one more hysterical illogical woman who is simply lazy and weak and I am making his life miserable. This was followed by, “Just talk to me, don’t avoid me.” So yesterday I showed up at the shop, before ten a.m. as he demanded, and warned him I was in pain and did not feel like being pleasant.
Cue the big tiger rawr noise, as if I am being catty.
For fuck’s sake, you tell me to communicate so I do then you get snarky. What the actual fuck?
He demanded my presence again this morning, first thing, using the “it’s only two things I need done.” I didn’t brush my hair, I wore the clothes I slept in, and I dragged my ass there. Only to see steam rising from the hood of my car. I ran it out of coolant. Which he started to berate me for and I reminded him, it’s kind of hard to know when a car is overheating when the fucking temp gauge doesn’t bloody well function. He ceded, but grumbled that I had no anti freeze so he had to use his own. Never mind I was there, at that ungodly hour, for free. I earned that frigging anti freeze.
I had all these big ideas about coming home and getting all my housework caught up. Ha. Instead of I finished my Rookie Blue binge and watched Containment. Oh, and let the kittens wallow me. That may be the only bright spot seeping into my world lately. Kittens….better than heroin.
So I accomplished nothing. My yard is full of devil kids. I fixed my supper and it seemed good…But then it was like, did I really do all that work and dirty dishes for this? Which seems to be how every activity I do these days feels. Because…Derp-ression.
Tomorrow night is my kid’s school carnival. I am so jazzed. Not. I remember last year and how that small school and the crowds made me sweat bullets and feel like I was smothering. I managed it but it was not pleasant. I fake it for my kid.
I fake everything as of late. Smiles. Laughs. Functionality. Sociability. Fake a good mood. Fake humor. Fake that I want to be surrounded by screaming brats or hanging out with my family or friends. Fake fake fake.
I am faking it but not making it.
I think I see the shrink the last week of the month. I am going to make my displeasure known. If it gets me a non compliant mark, so fucking be it. His conservative approach is costing me time I am normally not depressed but he made radical changes in the anti depressant, assuming the dual mood stabilizer would pick up the slack. It’s done nothing but ensure my inability to cry or well, feel. Even my anger is dampened by lithium. Luckily, I have so much of it, I muddle through. But this constant down feeling, being unable to find positive things, the lack of energy, the way my housework has gotten so far away from me….This should not be happening. Spring is my time. Sadly, when he refused to replace the 120mg Cymbalta or raise the 20mg Prozac, I went down the rabbit hole and he just watched. Not wanting to upset “the balance”.
There need to be medications that simulate depression, bipolar swings, anxiety attacks. And every doctor should have to take them for a month before getting a degree. Until you live it, you’re operating off of textbook knowledge and what you’ve seen. Try FEELING it, LIVING it.
Try going through life wearing a mask to make everyone else at ease, all the while feeling like your skeleton is crawling out of your bones.
That is all. I’m gonna build myself a Z-whacker out of a pool noodle and go whack some noisy brats upside the melon.
Have you ever stopped to think what it may be like to live with bipolar disorder? Probably not, unless you have a loved one who is impacted by it or you are personally affected. So I want to take a few minutes to describe what living with bipolar disorder is like for me.
First of all, living with a mental illness affects your self-esteem and confidence. There is not many things worse than getting a psychiatric diagnosis by our cultural standards. This is why I get so passionate about mental health awareness. You cannot receive treatment for something if you don’t know what you are dealing with and yet the moment you get that “label” it can change how you think about yourself and how others see you.
Second, treatment is available and in most cases it works. The downside is that it can take ten years to find the right combination of medications that work for each person. Now for a moment imagine what it would be like to constantly change medications. I believe I have taken more than 30 different meds before finally finding the right combination. It is a long frustrating journey.
Third, medications have side effects. It takes time and sometimes learning lessons the hard way before you understand for most people you can never stop taking medications for the remainder of your life. No matter how many articles I have found where people say they get along great without medications, in my experience it is never an option for me not to take bipolar meds. Even though the side effects of weight gain and slow metabolism feed into that whole idea of lack of confidence and self-esteem, it is still far better to be overweight than mentally unstable.
Finally, once you have recovered no one would ever know you live with an invisible illness. You cannot see bipolar disorder and unless I hadn’t told the world I live with it you would never know. This is one of the many benefits of recovering and that I can attest is something you can do!
Living with bipolar disorder is just a fact of life for me. But the journey was long and arduous before I could get to this point. If you are a family member of a loved one who lives with bipolar disorder keep the faith your loved one will get better. And if you live with bipolar disorder keep on fighting it will get better.
I thought I might do better today. I went to PT early and that went well. When I came back though, I just had to crash. I slept a good long time this morning and don’t feel so good for it. I’m not sure what went wrong except I have been busy this week.
Talked to my friend from high school yesterday. It wasn’t as helpful to my story as I thought it would be. He didn’t remember things the same way I did. It’s a valid viewpoint, but I’m not sure I can use anything we talked about. I’m going to give it another try and then I guess move on to someone else.
I need to finish up my article for Creative Nonfiction Magazine. I’m almost done–Just have to file in quotes for the end and come up with a good lead. I’ll send that in as well as a short story to another place and see how it does. We will see.
Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.
Setting: Southern California beach town. Newly dating couple on a casual date.
Female Protagonist: 31 year-old female former psychotherapist recently moved back with parents after a mental breakdown, now working as a temporary file clerk.
Male Protagonist: 35 year-old male civil engineer, highly strung as are many engineers. Recently relocated to Southern California for engineering position.
Female: Do you want to have children some day?
Male: I always thought that if I met the right woman, I would want to marry her and have children with her.
Female: I’m that woman.
Filed under: Marriage, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Parenting, Recovery Tagged: autobiography, dating, flash fiction, love
I am happy to say that my tardiness is due to being too busy and not about my health! Aside from a nasty sinus infection and allergies (and of course my normal levels of pain and fatigue) I am feeling … Continue reading
“Here’s story of a man named Bradley…” Okay, okay, I’ll stop there. The first episode of the Brady Bunch aired September 26, 1969, just two days before my 6th birthday. The series ended when I was ten and the show went into syndication almost immediately. When you think of all the hours I spent watching […]
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Below are some some things that I have come across that people are doing to recognize this. Many of these things you can do very easily to help raise awareness about mental health and mental illness.
- Sharing on Mental Health America what Mental Illness Feels like anonymously #mentalillnessfeelslike
- Joining Mayim Bialik and pledge to be #StigmaFree. Youtube
- Making a Ribbon Wall
- Making a pledge at Time to Change
- Stomping out Stigma by using hashtag #stampoutstigma
- Take a pledge or share your story on Bring Change 2 Mind.
- Getting Kind: #GetKind: Mental Health Awareness
- Using the hashtags #mentalhealthawarenessmonth and #mhm2016
- Taking one minute to help change the mental health system
- Taking the Thank a Mental Health Advocate Challenge
- Stating they are not ashamed of having a mental illness. #imnotashamed
- Taking the Replace stigma with hope pledge.
- Sharing their experiences with mental illness on SANE.
- Taking the Pledge for Mental Health Unity on Active Minds
- Submitting a story on The Mighty
- Blogging about mental health topics
- Sharing mental health related messages on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, Youtube etc.
- Finding help for Mental Health Challenges, Big or Small DODLive
- Educating themselves about the various signs and symptoms of mental illness
- Writing their editors about mental health related issues
- Organizing events that deal with mental health
- Wearing Green
- Sharing their stories on Each Mind Matters
- Challenging others to share their stories, take pledges and start conversations about mental health
- Pledge to Reach Out
- Submitting their story to OK2Talk
- Sharing their story on You are Not Alone
- Standing Up For Mental Health The Healthy Place
- Several Celebrities are sharing their stories and sharing messages
- The Empire State Building Lights Up Green For National Mental Health Awareness Month
- Walgreens Is Launching a New Mental Health Platform
- Presidential Proclamation — National Mental Health Awareness Month, 2016
- Troy Vincent shares about NFL Life Line
Picture Credit: Out of the Ashes and Unknown (Found on Twitter)