Daily Archives: May 7, 2016

It’s in the quiet moments

It’s in the quiet moments when you realize your strength and enduring power. We did $1500 today at work with basically 3 people. If that doesn’t prove that people who are bipolar can lead extremely high functioning lives I don’t know what does. I get home finish the laundry, clean the laundry room, and go outside to watch my kids and grandkids play. This sweet 5 year old boy is playing in the dirt with a trowel and he is so so proud he can get it to stick in the dirt. “Nana, look what I did”. Oh to hear the name Nana, I am not sure anyone could love these boys more than I do. They brighten my days and even when the days are hard and it seems to much they always remind me that LOVE prevails. 

It’s in the quiet moments at night while my husband and I watch TV together and laugh and talk and joke that I know God blessed me with more than  probably deserve. I know that my husband loves me, but it’s a whole new world to be able to feel the depth of his love. I have never slowed down enough to actually feel everything.

It’s in the quiet moments when my daughter tells me she loves me or gets excited about spending time together. When my older daughter calls me and says”I need some advice” that I think wow maybe I am doing something right. When I reach a depth of love and respect that I didn’t even know was possible. That’s when I can see that’s when I know that everything will be ok.

It’s in the quiet moments that God touches my spirit and I can feel His presence with me. That allows me to keep getting up and going to work, to keep trying even when my meds aren’t working and I want to give up. That silence that split second when you KNOW that you are not alone and that no matter what happens someone is always in your corner. 

It’s in the quiet moments that you realize that you can let bipolar consume you or you can see it to your advantage. My fast moving brain doesn’t stop when I take my meds but I am much more easily able to corral and control it. I have been told more than once that I am very efficient. It just seems like common sense to me but the older I get the more I realize that this also is a gift. I can  do things normally 2 or 3 to 1 when someone is doing the same things beside me.  It’s in the quiet moments that I realize I am blessed to be high functioning and a true bipolar. Before you jump down my throat I only mean that I believe that bipolar can be caused by trauma and in many cases it is present from birth. I also believe that it easier to medicate with good results when it is more biological than situational. (I truly don’t mean that to sound bad, please feel free to message me if you would like to chat in depth). I know myself so well and always have but bipolar was the missing link. Once that piece fell into place I realized I haven’t been alone that I’m not a failure and I am worth all the good things I know in my head are true. 

It’s in the quiet moments, as tears slowly slide down my cheeks that I know that I am not broken but that I am beautifully made and I belong here. That I watch my children play or sleep and they are the very best parts of me. That they love me without condition even when they are mad at me. That they would give me the world if they could. That I get to be small part in how amazing I know they are going to be is the greatest gift I have ever gotten. It’s in those quiet moments that I know without a doubt I am loved and treasured bipolar or not and there is no go quite so sweet. 

Be blessed y’all!!


Ten Things of Thankful, Home-Life Edition

**Just a word to the wise, there is not currently a link-up for Ten Things of Thankful, but you CAN find them on Facebook.  It’s a closed group, but just type Ten Things of Thankful into your search bar and you can request to be added.  I am not sure how much longer there were cease to be a linkup, but you can get more information there.

10thankful-banner

 

Another week down, another whole bunch of things to be thankful for.  I like to try and do TToT “themes” each week, and this week is no different.  I am a person who prefers to be at home, or to at least be feeling that “at home” feeling even when not at home.  I can get that at my house, and a select few other places.  This past week, I’ve really tried to be “out” more, and it makes me appreciate the weekend and nowhere I really have to be (today), that much more.

When I was in the crisis residence, I was surrounded by people who are currently homeless and some who had been homeless for very long periods.  It’s never happened to me, but it’s not impossible to think it would ever happen, albeit it’s unlikely if I keep up with my mental health treatment and continue to have family around that cares.  A house and a home are two things that I never take for granted, though, and so I’d like to dedicate this week’s TToT to all of the home-related things that I am thankful for:

  1. A fenced-in backyard.  For my dogs, for my sanity.  I really enjoy being outside, and I am thankful to QoB for making sure that every home I have ever lived in has had a pleasant outdoor space.
  2. The current house I live in has a very nice, large front porch.  It is very nice and cool in the afternoons, and breezy yet warm in the mornings.  Recently, my mom came and trimmed up all of the rosebushes (of which there are several,  VERY large) and laid mulch.  The porch was swept off and all that is on it are a few comfortable chairs and a footrest/table.  I have been loving sitting out there with company, and with LarBear.  It is also a good way to get a break from life, in general, by myself, with just my thoughts and a cold drink.
  3. A house as opposed to an apartment.  This is my personal preference, and I have been exceptionally lucky to do very little apartment-living (save from college years).  Houses are so much quieter, so much more private, and are what I am used to.  I feel almost spoiled by this one.
  4. Hardwood floors, with a few nice area rugs.  I really detest wall-to-wall carpet, and I think that is just because I was raised with hardwood floors and area rugs.  I really don’t like to vacuum, and I don’t like all the dust and dirt and grime and (potential) messiness of carpets.
  5. My kitchen has a large closet that has been converted to a pantry.  I didn’t have a pantry in the last two places I lived, and it seemed like I always had things stacked up everywhere.  With a pantry, you can put everything away and you can stock up on things without worrying about having the room to put it.
  6. I absolutely love that I have a driveway of my own to park in.  I have lived in places where I had to park in the street or in a large parking lot, and I hated it.  In the town I live in, it is pretty typical that most houses have a driveway and more often than not, there is also usually a garage (at least in this neighborhood).  I do have a garage, but I choose not to really use it for various reasons, some of it being sheer laziness.
  7. Being able to choose the colors of my walls has always been important to me.  I am not a fan of neutral, and really appreciate my yellow kitchen and lavender bedroom and green bathroom.  It makes it more homey to me.
  8. All of the Rose of Sharon bushes, Crepe Myrtles, and other various bushes that my mom planted on the west side of my house, in front of windows when I moved into this house.  They are grown up now, and it is lovely when they are leafed out, because I can keep the curtains open day and night and no one sees in, and they are also very pretty to look at.
  9. For the past few years, I have had an inflatable kiddie pool in my backyard.  I am spoiled by it now, and fully expect to put one up again this year.  You can get them for about $30 to $40, and as long as you keep chlorine in it, and sweep out the bugs/leaves/debris, they stay nice all summer.  There is nothing better than sitting in your own backyard in 30″ of water.
  10. I grew up in a house warmed (partially) by a woodstove and with no central air until I was well into high school.  I didn’t really think anything of it at the time, but I must say, I am very, very grateful for central air and heat.

Filed under: Ten Things of Thankful Tagged: #10Thankful, gratitude, home, home life, house, Ten Things of Thankful, thankful

What A Week!

Well I’ve had a productive week.  If you call playing lots & lots of Words With Friends and What’s The Phrase productive.  Then I’ve been productive as HELL!!!  I haven’t heard from Dr. Flaky and frankly I’m getting kind of obsessed about it.  I don’t know what her major malfunction is but I’ve called her a “Fucking Bitch” more than once this week.  I was just so happy for those few days when I had work to do!!  I am really a productive kind of person.  At least, now, I am.  I don’t think I could have done anything like this during the winter.  Well, I could have played my games.  Yes, this week has been spent obsessively checking my email (DAMN YOU, EMAIL!), playing games, reading twitter, reading a few blogs, and playing games.  If I could get paid for playing games or checking Twitter, damn, I’d be in good shape.  Because I’m DEDICATED!!  I will contact Dr. Flaky tomorrow, as it will have been a week since I heard from her tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll get an answer.  Even one I don’t like, but maybe I’ll get an answer.  Maybe my next blog post will just be sobs and a lot of cussing.  I’m not making any promises.  Today we’ll celebrate Mother’s Day.  Already my crazy little sister has cancelled (YAY!) and my Aunt who always starts shit with my Dad has cancelled (Somewhat Yay).  So hopefully it will be a peaceful celebration.  Hope everyone’s week has been as productive as mine!  Peach out!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Work Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Reblog – Meet and Greet @ Dream Big: 5/7/16

Originally posted on Dream Big, Dream Often:
It’s the Meet and Greet weekend at Dream Big!! Ok so here are the rules: Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post. Reblog this post.  It…

Rant-ish

***I almost didn’t publish this.  It is too ugly and ranty and paints me in a way that I don’t want others to think of me.  But this is real, this was my day, this was my evening, these are my thoughts.  I tire of apologizing for being who I am, for my feelings, for exposing the uglies in my brain to the outside air.  I’m not perfect and I don’t expect anyone else to be.

i wont apologize for who i am

I have spent over half my life in the care of mental health professionals.  Since age 16, to be exact, although I can recall being required to see school counselors as early as the second grade.  What was it that was so terribly *wrong* at such a young age, that I needed to see a school counselor?  I don’t remember exactly, and I really don’t want to hear the real answer, but I do remember that I have always struggled in relationships with my peers.

That hasn’t really changed.  My on-again, off-again personality pushes people away, as does my clingy-ness and rapid mood changes and social awkwardness and tendency to shut down completely for months on end.  I have a handful of online friends, that I do keep in close contact with, and I have LarBear.  Otherwise, I have family — QoB, my dad, the Big Dawg…all close to me in one manner or another, varying from one time to another.

For me, that’s enough, and it’s almost more than I can handle sometimes.  I have added peer support to my treatment mix, and it is one more person that I have to handle, and to be honest, I haven’t handled her well.  I cancelled our appointment today, fifteen minutes before I was supposed to be there.  There is no common courtesy in that at all, and I can imagine she is pissed, but I wasn’t able to make myself leave the house and go to that appointment.

I tried getting her on the phone several times, but that is mission impossible because I am not allowed to have a phone number for her that actually rings her line.  When my call is transferred from the front desk, it literally rings to a phone that is not in existence, and then goes to her voicemail.  Voicemail that she checks once a day, at best.  I have left her countless voicemails before, only to get a response fifteen minutes before our next scheduled appointment.  What kind of support is it, when I can only have access to her within the confines of my appointment?  I have better access to my med treater than that, for crying out loud, and this person is supposed to be “support.”

I suppose this is just me demonizing another person and blaming and complaining.  It’s what I would be told, and you know, frankly, I’m getting really tired of having my feelings invalidated.  It really is no wonder to me that I can’t get along with anyone worth a damn, and it has been this way so long, and so severely, that I really don’t see another way.

DBT helps.  Of course it helps.  Does my current therapist know DBT?  No.  What do we talk about?  I’m not sure.  I can’t really remember from appointment to appointment, which makes me feel as if I am having no gains in that department.  The lapses in my memory are frequent and significant, and I know it is because I am numbing myself and distracting away negative feelings.  I am not allowing myself to live my life, I am trying to just get through it.

And I am back around to that DBT saying, you’re trying hard enough, and you can try harder.  I want to put that on a billboard in my front yard, so I can look out my window every five minutes and see it flashing at me in bright red.  It is very frustrating to me, that I feel I am being written off by the mental health staff at the center, as someone whose problems are in her head.

I am still straightening out a few things and a lot of sentences in my head, and maybe tomorrow or the next I can post more about why I feel kicked to the curb by my treaters, but for now, I need to calm down or I will never sleep.  Sleep would be good, it would be helpful, it would make matters better.  One can only hope.


Filed under: Neuroticism Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, DBT, medication, mental health treatment, rant, sleep, stress, Therapy

I Love Fridays

It’s the end of the week and I’ve got hubby until Monday morning. That makes me happy. I love being around him even if we are doing different activities.

Today has been a mellow day but I’m happy (looks over her shoulder). Saying it out loud is a little scary it’s like inviting trouble but people need to know that it’s not always down with this thing.

Happiness does happen from time to time.