Personality Lost

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New quilt…needs more sewing and borders put on

So this has been another decent week. Things are rolling along with a few soft bumps.

Meds again: Rexulti 2.0, Lamictal 300 mg, Wellbutrin 100 mg, Klonopin 3-4/ day .25

Doc has reduced Wellbutrin to 100 from 150. I am only taking 3-4 Klonopin per day instead of four on a fixed schedule.

Thursday:

Woke up feeling sort of overwhelmed. Daughter Rachel has developed migraines. Not surprised, as both her dad and I had them at her age. She made a doctor’s appointment to get some medicine.

My anxiety got the best of me today and I ditched a lunch with some old friends. I was worried they would think I was too fat, although one of them is my size. I have actually lost weight, so I don’t know what brought this on, but I hope it doesn’t happen again. I got so flustered I took the day “off” and laid around. I slept hard in the afternoon and did basically nothing. When I got anxious I used the STOPP method my new CBT therapist gave me. STOPP stands for “Stop, Take a Breath, Observe, Pull Back, Practice What Works”. This method is working for the daily anxieties, but is harder to use in the car. It’s probably dangerous to pull to the side of the freeway while I pull out my little reminder STOPP card.

Also scheduled a meeting with our attorney to update our will/ trust documents. Yuck on this. I hate making decisions about what happens after I am gone…I’m not sure I care now that the kids are adults. My motto is “sell it all and divide it by three”. But we have a few charities and things we have committed to over the years, so I need to pay attention.

Friday:

Woke up feeling anxious with a small headache. Cancelled my phone support meeting with my friend Gaill. (I have GOT to stop cancelling stuff.) I’m wondering if the morning anxiety is because the Klonopin is wearing off overnight.

Felt better as the day went on. Went for a long walk with husband and two of the dogs. (Third dog is not a walker, gets tired fast and wants to be carried.) Got a shower…hands were shaky. Left message for my aunt in Florida.

Finished ironing quilt blocks and laid them out on the floor. Saw my therapist at 2 and we decided I would make a list of things to work on in therapy. I came up with six serious topics. I e-mailed these to her later that day. I have never e-mailed a therapist before…was sort of weird. (They have strange boundaries.) Husband got flustered over ordering Mother’s Day flowers, so I took over and did it myself. I’m sure I will like them.:)

Saturday:

Still waking up at 5. Trying to stay up later but falling asleep around 8. May try a short nap in the afternoon…then stay up till at least 10. Drove myself to breakfast with a friend. Love this woman…really supportive and funny.

Can’t recall how much I have talked on here about the work husband and I have been doing at the center for homeless seniors downtown. Anyway, this friend had a lead to someone who runs the charitable arm of Henkel (they used to be Dial Soap). Am hoping to translate that into some free soaps, shampoos, washing machine liquid, etc. for the center. If there’s anyone in need, it is the senior homeless. Many of these folks are veterans and/or mentally ill. Some are just alone in the world. The center gives them breakfast and lunch, a hot shower, a locker to store their stuff, toiletries, clothes, job leads, a nurse, someone to help them get their ID and paperwork, someone to help them get benefits, small apartments, and move in items when they are ready. They can even get their clothes washed.

Came home after that breakfast and messed around the house. Sewed some, brushed our long haired cat, helped Rachel bathe two of the dogs, and dealt with getting a windshield replaced. Took a shower.

Sunday:

Made it to 8:30 church. Did better on not crying during the hymns. Sewed, went to Walmart with Rachel, cleaned out hanging clothes in closet, took a 30 minute walk. Came home and sat down and fell asleep.

Monday:

Woke up and it was a good day. Got a shower and sewed more on the quilt. (Was assisted by my son’s little cat. She likes to pounce on everything and drag fabric around.) Drove to my women’s support group and then headed on to the CBT therapist. Got a bid on getting the house painted. $5000. We’re going to do it…has been 18 years. Old paint has held up remarkably well.

Tuesday:

Slept from 8-5. Then went back to sleep from 7-8. Felt really good and got dinner in the crock pot.

Was thinking over the previous day and wondered if I was too “chatty” at the women’s group meeting. Don’t know if I am getting hypo or if I am just enthused. The really SAD thing is, I can’t remember my personality. It is lost. I don’t know what “normal” is for me anymore.

My friend and her schizophrenic daughter are doing better. They’re moving to a cheaper apartment (if you consider $1400/ month cheap. That’s like a mortgage.) Anyway, the daughter is getting functional, but not ready to go back to work yet. My friend is looking for a job that pays more. But not just any job. She wants a job that is fulfilling, fun, and a variety of things every day. (My husband laughed out loud when he heard this.) If things go really south for my friend, her brother in Oregon has offered to take them in. This is good news.

I looked at some old blog posts. One month ago, I was very down and flat. One year ago I had just gotten out of the hospital. I guess things are looking up.

Not a week with fulfillment, fun, and variety, but I got through it. Am happy with things…just need to reign in the anxiety.

love to you all,

lily

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