Does mental illness ever make you feel like you are just a failure at life? I often ponder this question. Especially when I know my mind isn’t working right but I can’t seem to fix it. For the first time in a year and a half since I started my meds I have really been struggling the last 2 or 3 weeks. Like enough to where I have found myself wondering if I am just completely losing it. The other thing that has hit me really hard is that I lived this way for somewhere around 20 years. I don’t honestly know how I managed to do anything much less keep job, take care of my kids, and stay married. I guess it’s just that I know better now and I can see a different way. I am frustrated because it’s like my meds just decided to completely quit working one day. I am still awaiting blood results and I’m hoping they will help to paint a picture of the problem. But geez Louise I hate it when it feels like I have to go backwards. I am exhausted from trying to keep it together and not go off on every person I come into contact with. On the bright side the new sleeping med my doc prescribed seems to be allowing me to get better sleep. For that I am grateful.
Being a Christian is something that is important to me. And it’s very hard to separate trying to live like Christ from what is caused by my illness. And I don’t want to use this as an excuse to behave badly or to treat people the wrong way. I mean we are talking about a disease of the mind. It’s not like I can just cut it out and move on. I know nothing is that simple but when you can’t trust your thoughts It sure does make a lot of things difficult. And then I wonder just how much God is going to understand. I mean eventually you run out of excuses for the same thing. I sincerely hope that the fact that I get help and take my meds means He knows I am trying. That I want to be the best version of myself and that I want Him to get the glory.
I truly don’t think like other people. I see things and look at the big picture in a different way. Most of the time it seems like no on can even grasp what I am saying much less understand it the way I do. I have had conversations in which I have to just abandon what I am saying because the person I’m talking to can’t even see what I am saying. It’s often a very lonely place. I have been told so many times that people just don’t understand and I should allow that to be ok. But it makes me tired. I get tired of being the employee that works hard and always shows up but I never really get much out of the deal. I’m tired of people acting like me being good is the greatest prize ever. When I’m thinking really what does that get me? A small raise, bosses that want me to work because they don’t have to babysit me? Those really don’t seem like things that are all that fantastic.
So I will start this week hoping that my results come in quickly and that if I need a med adjustment it will do the trick to help me get back to feeling like I’m supposed to again. Be blessed today!!