Daily Archives: April 22, 2016

I’m Walking

I woke up this morning and I had to get out of the house, likes minutes after I awoke. Luckily hubby was home and able to walk around the block with me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself, I’m so thankful he is here. This summer goal is to walk to the corner house and back by myself several times.

Since I’ve come home I’ve been wandering around aimlessly. I’m feel pretty good emotionally actually. I’m gonna try and hold on to that and maybe get something done. I don’t know what yet, but the walk was definitely my high point so far.


This Is My Religion

The post This Is My Religion appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

The Payback of “Too Much Happy”

TRIGGER WARNING: talk of suicide

Just when I thought I had things figured out, or close to it, my fragile balance erupted and the lack of good sleep I had been experiencing turned into a total lack of sleep, overall.

Irritability, flights of fancy and grandeur, and 2:00 am drives around town, as I debated just what I could run my car into that would kill me and not just hurt me enough to make me a vegetable, a further burden to my family. These thoughts, they concerned me very little.

What was really weighing on my mind were the really sharp knives in the kitchen. That would be easier somehow, maybe less messy, with a smaller chance of collateral damage. I was plotting my demise rather thoughtful of others, or so it seemed.

After trying to see my med provider yesterday, she sent me directly to the crisis house, where I am sitting now, anxious and not sleeping but at least there are no sharp objects and I don’t have access to a vehicle.


Filed under: Daily

The Payback of “Too Much Happy”

TRIGGER WARNING: talk of suicide

Just when I thought I had things figured out, or close to it, my fragile balance erupted and the lack of good sleep I had been experiencing turned into a total lack of sleep, overall.

Irritability, flights of fancy and grandeur, and 2:00 am drives around town, as I debated just what I could run my car into that would kill me and not just hurt me enough to make me a vegetable, a further burden to my family. These thoughts, they concerned me very little.

What was really weighing on my mind were the really sharp knives in the kitchen. That would be easier somehow, maybe less messy, with a smaller chance of collateral damage. I was plotting my demise rather thoughtful of others, or so it seemed.

After trying to see my med provider yesterday, she sent me directly to the crisis house, where I am sitting now, anxious and not sleeping but at least there are no sharp objects and I don’t have access to a vehicle.


Filed under: Daily

The Payback of “Too Much Happy”

TRIGGER WARNING: talk of suicide

Just when I thought I had things figured out, or close to it, my fragile balance erupted and the lack of good sleep I had been experiencing turned into a total lack of sleep, overall.

Irritability, flights of fancy and grandeur, and 2:00 am drives around town, as I debated just what I could run my car into that would kill me and not just hurt me enough to make me a vegetable, a further burden to my family. These thoughts, they concerned me very little.

What was really weighing on my mind were the really sharp knives in the kitchen. That would be easier somehow, maybe less messy, with a smaller chance of collateral damage. I was plotting my demise rather thoughtful of others, or so it seemed.

After trying to see my med provider yesterday, she sent me directly to the crisis house, where I am sitting now, anxious and not sleeping but at least there are no sharp objects and I don’t have access to a vehicle.


Filed under: Daily

Troublemaker

I’ve been thrown out of two places in my life: a leather dyke bar in Provincetown, Massachusetts, because I wasn’t butch enough; and just tonight, the campground I’ve been staying in on and off since February.  My crime: complaining to the manager because my camp furniture had been removed from my campsite; and when they claimed they hadn’t removed them, then I reported my possessions as stolen.

Tonight as I came in to pay for my reservation, they informed me that I was no longer welcome because I had “made a scene.”

Hmmm.

I don’t think asking to speak to the manager because one’s personal effects have disappeared really counts as “making a scene.”  Especially since this was the second time things of mine have “disappeared” at this campground.  The first time I also reported it, and got blank stares for an answer.  This time the blank stare treatment really got to me, because you’d think they would care if their paying customers were losing their camp furniture.  So I said I wanted to speak to the manager, who shrugged and said she didn’t know what had happened to my things.

I tried to think of other reasons they might want to get rid of me.  Maybe it’s because I always pick up after my dog.  Maybe it’s because I’m very quiet, am rarely seen aside from taking long walks with same dog, never play music except with headphones, and don’t make trouble except for when my zero gravity lounge chair and a whole load of laundry disappear.

It would have been nice if they hadn’t waited till I came in, after dark, to tell me I’ve been banned.  I had to scramble to find a place to park my van for the night.  It’s too late to go up to the forest, so I have to make do with the truck stop.  It’s usually OK to park overnight at Wal-Mart, but not here.  Fortunately there’s a truck stop an easy drive away.  Very, very noisy, but any port in a storm.  Time to break out the earplugs…

This is very inconvenient, at this particular moment in time, because I have to make my special oat matzahs for the Passover Seder tomorrow night.  I was planning to make them on my portable grill tomorrow morning.  Cooking in the truck stop parking lot is considered poor truck stop etiquette (!), so I will have to figure out something else.  Maybe one of the marijuana dispensaries will let me get my matzahs baked in their parking lot!  Just kidding.  Sort of.


Troublemaker

I’ve been thrown out of two places in my life: a leather dyke bar in Provincetown, Massachusetts, because I wasn’t butch enough; and just tonight, the campground I’ve been staying in on and off since February.  My crime: complaining to the manager because my camp furniture had been removed from my campsite; and when they claimed they hadn’t removed them, then I reported my possessions as stolen.

Tonight as I came in to pay for my reservation, they informed me that I was no longer welcome because I had “made a scene.”

Hmmm.

I don’t think asking to speak to the manager because one’s personal effects have disappeared really counts as “making a scene.”  Especially since this was the second time things of mine have “disappeared” at this campground.  The first time I also reported it, and got blank stares for an answer.  This time the blank stare treatment really got to me, because you’d think they would care if their paying customers were losing their camp furniture.  So I said I wanted to speak to the manager, who shrugged and said she didn’t know what had happened to my things.

I tried to think of other reasons they might want to get rid of me.  Maybe it’s because I always pick up after my dog.  Maybe it’s because I’m very quiet, am rarely seen aside from taking long walks with same dog, never play music except with headphones, and don’t make trouble except for when my zero gravity lounge chair and a whole load of laundry disappear.

It would have been nice if they hadn’t waited till I came in, after dark, to tell me I’ve been banned.  I had to scramble to find a place to park my van for the night.  It’s too late to go up to the forest, so I have to make do with the truck stop.  It’s usually OK to park overnight at Wal-Mart, but not here.  Fortunately there’s a truck stop an easy drive away.  Very, very noisy, but any port in a storm.  Time to break out the earplugs…

This is very inconvenient, at this particular moment in time, because I have to make my special oat matzahs for the Passover Seder tomorrow night.  I was planning to make them on my portable grill tomorrow morning.  Cooking in the truck stop parking lot is considered poor truck stop etiquette (!), so I will have to figure out something else.  Maybe one of the marijuana dispensaries will let me get my matzahs baked in their parking lot!  Just kidding.  Sort of.


More than a Label

Today I have reached a milestone in my recovery journey.  I no longer think of myself as mentally ill.  Oh yes, I still have to live with bipolar disorder and manage it, but I have been enjoying a period of sustainable wellness.  To be honest, I never thought this day would happen.

For several years I battled very severe depression with brief moments of manic episodes, but none that were ever enjoyable.  I fought countless days to function and wondered if I would ever become a contributing member of society again.  Well, the days have arrived.

In this recovery journey I have read numerous articles about people who got sick and then got well and moved on with their lives.  I could see it was possible, but I did not know if it would be possible for me.  But now here I am.  

Because of where I have evolved too, I no longer feel the need to write about pain and sorrow.  I am not drawn to write about my past demons.  I am at peace with my past and so it shall stay there.

But what I hope to do is write about how I have recovered.  The ins and outs the ups and downs.  The journey has been nothing short of a miracle and at any time along the way I could have chosen to give up.  But…I didn’t.  That’s the biggest secret and it is obvious….you can’t give up no matter how tough it is and how much it hurts.  You must persevere and continue to expect a good outcome.  

So I am beginning to live my newly created life.  Filled with dreams and possibilities and potential.  I have learned I am so much more than my diagnosis, I am truly beyond bipolar disorder.  Although there was a time in my life when it completely consumed me.  By the grace of God that time is over and that book has ended.

The new book has begun.  

If you have a mental illness I want you to know that it is possible to get well.  You can have a satisfying life and contribute to your community.  Believe in the possibilities.  And most importantly don’t give up.  You may be very surprised how things turn out.  


More than a Label

Today I have reached a milestone in my recovery journey.  I no longer think of myself as mentally ill.  Oh yes, I still have to live with bipolar disorder and manage it, but I have been enjoying a period of sustainable wellness.  To be honest, I never thought this day would happen.

For several years I battled very severe depression with brief moments of manic episodes, but none that were ever enjoyable.  I fought countless days to function and wondered if I would ever become a contributing member of society again.  Well, the days have arrived.

In this recovery journey I have read numerous articles about people who got sick and then got well and moved on with their lives.  I could see it was possible, but I did not know if it would be possible for me.  But now here I am.  

Because of where I have evolved too, I no longer feel the need to write about pain and sorrow.  I am not drawn to write about my past demons.  I am at peace with my past and so it shall stay there.

But what I hope to do is write about how I have recovered.  The ins and outs the ups and downs.  The journey has been nothing short of a miracle and at any time along the way I could have chosen to give up.  But…I didn’t.  That’s the biggest secret and it is obvious….you can’t give up no matter how tough it is and how much it hurts.  You must persevere and continue to expect a good outcome.  

So I am beginning to live my newly created life.  Filled with dreams and possibilities and potential.  I have learned I am so much more than my diagnosis, I am truly beyond bipolar disorder.  Although there was a time in my life when it completely consumed me.  By the grace of God that time is over and that book has ended.

The new book has begun.  

If you have a mental illness I want you to know that it is possible to get well.  You can have a satisfying life and contribute to your community.  Believe in the possibilities.  And most importantly don’t give up.  You may be very surprised how things turn out.  


Happy Birthday Queen Elizabeth!

I did mention the Queen’s birthday in a humorous way in my Prince post but totally forgot to pay homage to her on this very special day. Queen Elizabeth was born in the same year as both my parents. My … Continue reading