Jealousy and Insecurity

Jealousy

I have never been what I would call a jealous person. Sure, I have wanted things that other people have ~ clothes, shoes, a good job, popularity (that was a High School thing), the “right” boyfriend/husband, the “right” house, car, whatever. However, those wants never became anything more than that. They were simply things that other people had, and I have never really wanted to be “normal” anyway. So having any of these things didn’t really matter too much to me. Well, maybe the good job. I have never wanted more than I needed to maintain a decent life, and have enough left to save a bit. Then I met my ex-husband, and, yes, you will all get sick of hearing about him.

My ex-husband has a problem with addiction. What he is addicted to is neither here nor there, and has been discussed ad nauseam in other posts. His addiction was very degrading, demeaning, and disrespectful to me as most people with addictions can be to those they purport to love. I say “purport to love” because the real object of their affection is the thing they are addicted to.

I might as well mention one last time what he was addicted to so newer readers (hopefully) will know why I call it emotional abuse and why I found it so degrading, demeaning, and disrespectful. He was and is addicted to Internet porn. The Internet has made porn, especially amateur porn, much easier to view as one does not have to go to the video store and rent/buy  it. It takes all the guilt and shame that many feel out of the equation. So, there you have it. I was married to a porn addict. Why do I say addict? I think sitting for 18+ hours in front of your computer screening pornographic video clips trying to decide which ones go into your “favorites” folder while ignoring the world completely constitutes addiction. He does not and will not agree with me. Pornography Robs A Man

Anyway, for about 4 years, I lived with his addiction, hoping it would change (it didn’t) all the while feeling like I was being disrespected in the basest of ways, I felt that what he was doing was demeaning and degrading, I felt it was emotionally abusive. He literally would spend 18+ hours watching this stuff. When that left time for a marriage, I have no clue. I was married to him, and he was married to porn. Gradually, I noticed that I was becoming depressed, I was feeling that in order to get his attention, I would have to become something I am not which is an amateur porn slut (honestly, why do people post their sexual encounters on these sites for people to view?), I realized that my feelings of femininity were fading, my self-esteem and ego were becoming small and nearly non-existent. I was systematically cut off from my family and my friends so I lived in this weird world that centered on his addiction.

What this has to do with jealousy is now I am in a healthy relationship, but I am so insecure about who and what I am as a woman that I am jealous of all his female friends. Some more than others. And, that is not a good thing. I have a very difficult time not being “that girlfriend”. I have a really hard time not saying something derogatory about his friends, especially the one who appears to me to have a crush on him. That bothers me. Even though I know he is a very loyal man, I have some serious trust issues from my pseudo marriage that just do not seem to be abating. I do not trust anyone, and that does not bode well for relationships. So far, I have been able to keep my mouth shut. However, the ex left me in such a screwed up state of being that I am not sure that I am “female enough” for any man. Hell, it is my opinion that as long as I dressed in skimpy clothes and wore make-up that looked like it belonged on a drag queen (no offense), then maybe, just maybe, my ex would have paid attention to me instead of his “past time.” He actually did not sleep in the same bed as I did for about the last 2.5 years of our marriage; he preferred the couch. Now I am with someone who does pay attention to me, and I don’t know how to respond anymore.

I am afraid that I am not going to be able to hide the jealousy and insecurity much longer, and that my newfound real love will go away. It always does, and I am more damaged now than when I got married. I was not in a great state when I married, and I am worse now. I see every woman as a threat to me (my own insecurity), I see every woman as sexier than I am (effects of non-stop porn watching on part of ex). Frankly put, I just do not feel very feminine anymore, and I have my own insecurity to blame for that. But, you try being stuck in a nightmarish land of non-stop porn, and tell me how sexy and feminine you feel.

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