Daily Archives: April 22, 2016

More Monkey Business

I have been talking a lot about our fur-kids lately. Monkey had her time outside yesterday;  twice in fact. I don’t tend to let her out after their evening treat because there is nothing to stick around for and it … Continue reading

More Monkey Business

I have been talking a lot about our fur-kids lately. Monkey had her time outside yesterday;  twice in fact. I don’t tend to let her out after their evening treat because there is nothing to stick around for and it … Continue reading

More Monkey Business

I have been talking a lot about our fur-kids lately. Monkey had her time outside yesterday;  twice in fact. I don’t tend to let her out after their evening treat because there is nothing to stick around for and it … Continue reading

Puppy Love!

It sounds almost sacrilegious, but there are few things better for the soul than a puppy pile.

My son and son-in-law have four purebred Pomeranian babies, and they’ve won the hearts of not only the family but every visitor who comes to the house, including Will’s hospice nurse and massage therapist. They’ve been well socialized and their charms are evident in their approach to people; everyone gets a friendly sniff and a little yip that means “Will you play with me?”

Regrettably, they have to be sold, and being a valuable kind, the price is rather steep. Fortunately for these little guys, there are people who are not only able but willing to pay it. They’re at the perfect age to find forever homes; born on Groundhog Day, they are fully weaned and mostly housebroken. And cute? Well, all puppies are cute, but these are absolutely adorable. But then, I’m not biased or anything.

Puppies are fun to have around, and it must surely be great fun to be a puppy. Play, eat, sleep, get petted…it’s a dog’s life. Sometimes I find myself envying them, because being a person is HARD and I don’t always want to play well with others. For instance, I’ve got an obligation to a fellow human that I need to fulfill and I’m definitely not looking forward to it…and to be honest, I’ve put it off for another week because I frankly dread it. I don’t trust this individual and have been hurt by them in the past; however, I know I have to do it, and I will, but my inner child is screaming “I don’t wanna and you can’t make me!”

Dogs, on the other hand, don’t attach any conditions to their love. They never criticize us, post ugly things about us on Facebook, or lie to us. They don’t sit around feeling sorry for themselves and projecting negative energy that sucks the life out of the room…and us. They are totally accepting: we can be having the crappiest day ever, and they still come running at the sound of our footsteps at the door and act as though they haven’t seen us in forever. They can be counted on to supply cuddles and kisses when we feel low, and dance with delight when we’re happy (or when we have doggie treats in our hands). In fact, my own dog can tell when my mood is shifting almost before I do, and adjusts her behavior accordingly.

In short, dogs are amazing and I’m glad they’re a part of my life…even if the puppies do like to chew on my bare toes and drag underwear out of Ethan and Clark’s bedroom when the hospice nurse is here.

 

 

 

 


Interdisciplinary Degree

Sadie told me in my last appointment that this is the longest time span in which I’ve been doing well, and the first time that I’ve seemed truly enthusiastic about things.  I’d run out of things to say after 35 minutes, and with the exception of some what-if musings on past life choices, it was […]

Fighting Stigma Saves Money

Reducing Stigma in a Strong Investment
Rand Study: Investment in Social Marketing Campaign to Reduce Stigma and Discrimination Associated with Mental Illness Yields Positive Economic Benefits to California

 


Filed under: Discrimination, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Stigma Tagged: Each Mind Matters, RAND California Study

Jealousy and Insecurity

Jealousy

I have never been what I would call a jealous person. Sure, I have wanted things that other people have ~ clothes, shoes, a good job, popularity (that was a High School thing), the “right” boyfriend/husband, the “right” house, car, whatever. However, those wants never became anything more than that. They were simply things that other people had, and I have never really wanted to be “normal” anyway. So having any of these things didn’t really matter too much to me. Well, maybe the good job. I have never wanted more than I needed to maintain a decent life, and have enough left to save a bit. Then I met my ex-husband, and, yes, you will all get sick of hearing about him.

My ex-husband has a problem with addiction. What he is addicted to is neither here nor there, and has been discussed ad nauseam in other posts. His addiction was very degrading, demeaning, and disrespectful to me as most people with addictions can be to those they purport to love. I say “purport to love” because the real object of their affection is the thing they are addicted to.

I might as well mention one last time what he was addicted to so newer readers (hopefully) will know why I call it emotional abuse and why I found it so degrading, demeaning, and disrespectful. He was and is addicted to Internet porn. The Internet has made porn, especially amateur porn, much easier to view as one does not have to go to the video store and rent/buy  it. It takes all the guilt and shame that many feel out of the equation. So, there you have it. I was married to a porn addict. Why do I say addict? I think sitting for 18+ hours in front of your computer screening pornographic video clips trying to decide which ones go into your “favorites” folder while ignoring the world completely constitutes addiction. He does not and will not agree with me. Pornography Robs A Man

Anyway, for about 4 years, I lived with his addiction, hoping it would change (it didn’t) all the while feeling like I was being disrespected in the basest of ways, I felt that what he was doing was demeaning and degrading, I felt it was emotionally abusive. He literally would spend 18+ hours watching this stuff. When that left time for a marriage, I have no clue. I was married to him, and he was married to porn. Gradually, I noticed that I was becoming depressed, I was feeling that in order to get his attention, I would have to become something I am not which is an amateur porn slut (honestly, why do people post their sexual encounters on these sites for people to view?), I realized that my feelings of femininity were fading, my self-esteem and ego were becoming small and nearly non-existent. I was systematically cut off from my family and my friends so I lived in this weird world that centered on his addiction.

What this has to do with jealousy is now I am in a healthy relationship, but I am so insecure about who and what I am as a woman that I am jealous of all his female friends. Some more than others. And, that is not a good thing. I have a very difficult time not being “that girlfriend”. I have a really hard time not saying something derogatory about his friends, especially the one who appears to me to have a crush on him. That bothers me. Even though I know he is a very loyal man, I have some serious trust issues from my pseudo marriage that just do not seem to be abating. I do not trust anyone, and that does not bode well for relationships. So far, I have been able to keep my mouth shut. However, the ex left me in such a screwed up state of being that I am not sure that I am “female enough” for any man. Hell, it is my opinion that as long as I dressed in skimpy clothes and wore make-up that looked like it belonged on a drag queen (no offense), then maybe, just maybe, my ex would have paid attention to me instead of his “past time.” He actually did not sleep in the same bed as I did for about the last 2.5 years of our marriage; he preferred the couch. Now I am with someone who does pay attention to me, and I don’t know how to respond anymore.

I am afraid that I am not going to be able to hide the jealousy and insecurity much longer, and that my newfound real love will go away. It always does, and I am more damaged now than when I got married. I was not in a great state when I married, and I am worse now. I see every woman as a threat to me (my own insecurity), I see every woman as sexier than I am (effects of non-stop porn watching on part of ex). Frankly put, I just do not feel very feminine anymore, and I have my own insecurity to blame for that. But, you try being stuck in a nightmarish land of non-stop porn, and tell me how sexy and feminine you feel.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Publication Again!

Had a short story published today in http://www.noisemedium.com–my story about a girl  who discovers she’s adopted and the journey that puts her on.  It’s called “Looking for Home” and is the features story of the day on the site. SO I am excited about that.  I have stories and essays out to all kinds of publications to see if they might be interested in them.   We will see if any others turn up soon.

I dont’ feel well. I went to a doctor today and have an upper respiratory infection with cough, runny nose, sore throat, and ear pain.  I got some medicine and will see if that helps me feel better.

Going out of town this weekend to a dance competition.  FUn, fun. Hopefully they will do well and have fun.  I just hope to get through it with this cough, etc.  Trying to get packed and whatnot. I really just want to go to bed.  My cough kept me from sleeping last night very well.

Thinking about trying to finish a short story I started several years ago.  It’s about a guy who finds an unconscious girl in the front seat of his truck, naked under a blanket and what happens to his life as the police investigate while she stays unconscious at the local hospital. I think it may be interesting to do.  But I’ll start on it next week and see what I can do with it.

I feel pretty stable today.  Just a naxious about the dance stuff, so I’m taking my Xanax with me:).  We will see how it all turns out, I just wish I felt better physically.

Hope everyone has a happy Friday and a good weekend.

 


Publication Again!

Had a short story published today in http://www.noisemedium.com–my story about a girl  who discovers she’s adopted and the journey that puts her on.  It’s called “Looking for Home” and is the features story of the day on the site. SO I am excited about that.  I have stories and essays out to all kinds of publications to see if they might be interested in them.   We will see if any others turn up soon.

I dont’ feel well. I went to a doctor today and have an upper respiratory infection with cough, runny nose, sore throat, and ear pain.  I got some medicine and will see if that helps me feel better.

Going out of town this weekend to a dance competition.  FUn, fun. Hopefully they will do well and have fun.  I just hope to get through it with this cough, etc.  Trying to get packed and whatnot. I really just want to go to bed.  My cough kept me from sleeping last night very well.

Thinking about trying to finish a short story I started several years ago.  It’s about a guy who finds an unconscious girl in the front seat of his truck, naked under a blanket and what happens to his life as the police investigate while she stays unconscious at the local hospital. I think it may be interesting to do.  But I’ll start on it next week and see what I can do with it.

I feel pretty stable today.  Just a naxious about the dance stuff, so I’m taking my Xanax with me:).  We will see how it all turns out, I just wish I felt better physically.

Hope everyone has a happy Friday and a good weekend.

 


I’m Walking

I woke up this morning and I had to get out of the house, likes minutes after I awoke. Luckily hubby was home and able to walk around the block with me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself, I’m so thankful he is here. This summer goal is to walk to the corner house and back by myself several times.

Since I’ve come home I’ve been wandering around aimlessly. I’m feel pretty good emotionally actually. I’m gonna try and hold on to that and maybe get something done. I don’t know what yet, but the walk was definitely my high point so far.