Two nights in a row, sleep doesn’t come. Ran out of melatonin. Decided to tough it out Sunday. Of course, my kid woke up, climbed in my bed, and started yammering. Not conducive to sleep. I was up til after 2. It’s not even the lack of sleep that gets me. It’s the hours of waiting for sleep to come, wanting it so desperately and yet…nada.
Last night I was wiped out from cramps and the fact that shark week just debilitates me so I was in bed praying for sleep at 8:30. Nope. By midnight, I was reduced to taking a 15 mg Restoril from my stash. Then it took two hours to kick in, all the while my brain swirled, fearful I’d oversleep and make my kid late for school. I had to wake up many times to pee, because the lithium thirst is driving me to drink half a gallon of water a day. Then of course were the uber pleasant allergy attacks that start with a cough, a sneeze, then a full on coughing fit and a runny nose…
It was a suck ass night. Morning came too early. My kid, even though she slept through, decided today was the ideal day to be a butthead. She screamed at me, told me she hated me, because I didn’t have what she wanted for breakfast. Nothing but attitude. I docked her allowance a dollar before we even got out the door. She’d down from five bucks to a dollar.
I thought for sure once I dropped her off I’d fall into bed, depleted, and go back to sleep. That’s not happening, in spite of how tired and in pain I am in. The brain just rushes round on its hamster wheel, tormenting, torturing, highlighting every failing, every mistake, every conflict.
I’d told Spook Sunday night that she wasn’t having company Monday. I mean, those devil girls were here four straight days for three plus hours a day, I was sick of hearing them. I told them when they came knocking and my kid went spaztic. She punched my arm and then started snarling and swinging at me some more. Which means she gets no company again tonight, and in the ultimate punishment for her, my sadness is palpable…no sleepover with grandma again this week. Not that my kid ever draws a parallel between bad behavior and consequences. She just keeps doing the same old stuff. And of course, according to my mother, it all has to be because god forbid I should try to teach the child to take responsibility for her bad behavior.
My dad called me last night to inform me of the shindig at mom’s Sunday. Yeah, the one I “missed” by putting my phone on vibrate and avoiding a confrontation with my mother because even though my kid had acted out and needed to be grounded…my devil mother would have guilted me, cussed me, and just made problems. So apparently this shindig for the idget not related to us was this big cookout. Even my mom’s uber crippled roommate who couldn’t even join everyone in the living room for Xmas or Easter came out of her room and cooked for unrelated idget. What those people see in that mousy thing is beyond me. It’s not just me, either, dad and his crew see it. They stopped by to change the oil in the car they got mom and I guess unrelated idget pulled up with my sister and a bunch of food and ORDERED my brother to carry the stuff in.
UM< WHAT? He doesn’t live there. He isn’t related to her. Who the fuck does she think she is? And here is my brother packing things in, while the “men” who live there do nothing but stay inside and play video games.
Tis a mystery why I don’t want my kid around that bullshit any more than she has to be.
Sad that of the biggest threats to her well being are the very people we’re related to. Just fucking sad.
So I am feeling sanity deprived because the shit around me never changes. Everyone gets to remain an asshole and I am the villain but no one can figure out my avoidance. It’s basic self defense. And keeping my kid from learning their ignorant ways.
I terrified myself last night. It wasn’t a huge deal, I was running low on sleep, high on hormones and cramps…I laid back while Spook was playing beside me…and I nodded off. It wasn’t but a minute because the same scene was unfolding on my show, but still…It scared the fuck out of me. It’s never happened before.
Lately I have been having a lot of trouble driving. Some of it is the death trap running like shit. Some of it is my brain. I get to stop signs and I can’t decide whether to go or not. What if the car stalls? Do I have enough time to get across? Is it even my turn? I just get frozen and can’t make a decision.
I found some papers last night that somehow worked their way under the chair pad. My kid won something last month, a lunch at a local bank for her good behavior at school. And I completely missed it. Plus I missed the picture day thing. I’m just…
Struggling. I don’t want to say falling apart because then they could come in like storm troopers and take my kid away. They could give her to my family, neither of which faction is cool with me, or worse, her donor. NO. I have to keep duct taping myself back together. I thought my doctor was supportive but this two month lag between appointments, especially after coming off such a high dose of Cymbalta then falling into the depression gutter as I have…and all he did was raise my lithium, which I am sure is making me sick…
I’m gonna need a lot of duct tape.