This pretty much sums up how I am feeling. This one snuck up on me. I wasn’t anticipating becoming this depressed this fast. I was fine yesterday, I think. I do not know anymore if I am okay, delusional, depressed, manic, whatever. I have become too good at hiding the illness. Yes, I am going to use the term “illness” which anyone who has followed my blog over the years knows it is a term that I really cannot stand. However, I am sick so the moniker seems appropriate.
I am a disappointment to everyone. Why did I have to be the one who got sick? Couldn’t have been someone else in my family (most of whom will not have anything to do with me.) I have too many pills in the house. Taking them seems to be a good idea, but not really. If I have disappointed everyone, then taking myself down will really have a detrimental effect. I do not know anyone who would even come to my funeral; my family is very Christian and suicide is a sin. Why go to memorialize a sinner?
I feel very much like that lone tree in the winter; everything is bleak and dark. Can’t seem to find any light right now. Everything is dark and getting darker. I want off this ride. I can’t take it anymore.