Daily Archives: April 11, 2016

Godhead

In the ancient world, and I am talking like the first books of the Old Testament here, pre-Illiad, Epic of Gilgamesh stuff, it was common practice for an army to march into battle with a statue of their god. In some cultures the statue was just a symbol, while other cultures believed the god lived […]

Godhead

In the ancient world, and I am talking like the first books of the Old Testament here, pre-Illiad, Epic of Gilgamesh stuff, it was common practice for an army to march into battle with a statue of their god. In some cultures the statue was just a symbol, while other cultures believed the god lived […]

Feeding The Fire: The Battle Continues…

Ready. Set. Sail! Ughh….. it’s been SO crazy. I haven’t budged but neither has he. I’m trying to break him. Get him to crack under the pressure. I’m pissed and I mean it. This asshole needs to back the fuck off and I’m going to do it. He won’t win this time. And I’m not… More Feeding The Fire: The Battle Continues…

New Huffington Post Article: Always Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop!

  It’s definitely not a manic Monday around here, my friends. Anything but. At least there have been no more The Kraken Lady adventures…yet. I may see her at tomorrow night’s ballet class. Of course I’ll let you know if anything exciting happens, and I’ll pack the poop in case I need to do an … Continue reading New Huffington Post Article: Always Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop!

Am Really Not Feeling Well At All

Alone in a Barren Wasteland

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling. This one snuck up on me. I wasn’t anticipating becoming this depressed this fast. I was fine yesterday, I think. I do not know anymore if I am okay, delusional, depressed, manic, whatever. I have become too good at hiding the illness. Yes, I am going to use the term “illness” which anyone who has followed my blog over the years knows it is a term that I really cannot stand. However, I am sick so the moniker seems appropriate.

I am a disappointment to everyone. Why did I have to be the one who got sick? Couldn’t have been someone else in my family (most of whom will not have anything to do with me.) I have too many pills in the house. Taking them seems to be a good idea, but not really. If I have disappointed everyone, then taking myself down will really have a detrimental effect. I do not know anyone who would even come to my funeral; my family is very Christian and suicide is a sin. Why go to memorialize a sinner?

I feel very much like that lone tree in the winter; everything is bleak and dark. Can’t seem to find any light right now. Everything is dark and getting darker. I want off this ride. I can’t take it anymore.

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, depression, depressive episodes, Failed Dreams Tagged: Bipolar Depression, Illness

Am Really Not Feeling Well At All

Alone in a Barren Wasteland

This pretty much sums up how I am feeling. This one snuck up on me. I wasn’t anticipating becoming this depressed this fast. I was fine yesterday, I think. I do not know anymore if I am okay, delusional, depressed, manic, whatever. I have become too good at hiding the illness. Yes, I am going to use the term “illness” which anyone who has followed my blog over the years knows it is a term that I really cannot stand. However, I am sick so the moniker seems appropriate.

I am a disappointment to everyone. Why did I have to be the one who got sick? Couldn’t have been someone else in my family (most of whom will not have anything to do with me.) I have too many pills in the house. Taking them seems to be a good idea, but not really. If I have disappointed everyone, then taking myself down will really have a detrimental effect. I do not know anyone who would even come to my funeral; my family is very Christian and suicide is a sin. Why go to memorialize a sinner?

I feel very much like that lone tree in the winter; everything is bleak and dark. Can’t seem to find any light right now. Everything is dark and getting darker. I want off this ride. I can’t take it anymore.

Filed under: Alone, Bipolar Disorder, depression, depressive episodes, Failed Dreams Tagged: Bipolar Depression, Illness

Landscaping therapy

(In which I think about how I never exercise)

I spent most of the weekend landscaping my front yard.  As a birthday present my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and Mary's dad all pitched in Sunday morning as well.  That may have been the best birthday present I've ever received.  Today I am extremely sore.  I was using muscles I don't normally use and pushing my weak-ass body to its limits.

It feels like it's been beaten into my head that exercise is good for me and that a sedentary lifestyle can cause all sorts of health issues.  As someone with mental illness I know that there's research out there show that exercise can reduce depression.  It's one of the suggestions that always annoy me.

Me: "I think I might need to adjust my medication."
Doctor/friend/loved one/my internal critic: "You know that exercise can really help depression.  You should try that."
Me: "You should go fuck yourself."

Yes I know I should be exercising.  Yes I know it's lazy to just want to take medication and that be enough.  Yes I know I need to manage my life carefully to handle stress so I avoid mania and depression.  Yes I know that if I did all the right things maybe I wouldn't need to rely on my medication as much as I do.  Yes yes yes... I get it.  Are you running your life perfectly?

My aches and pains have prompted me to think about exercise and what it might be like to have a job where I was outside and working my body.  What if I were a professional landscaper?  Would my mental illness be less severe if I weren't a telecommuting code monkey that was indoors for days at a time?  It relates to the question of whether there are things (such as a crisis or grueling labor) that can take our minds off our mental illness to such an extent we seem "normal". I think a crisis definitely can for a limited amount of time. As long as the depression has not gotten completely debilitating, I think we manage to put ourselves on the back burner so to speak. But that can only last so long. What about all day long exposure to the outdoors with strenuous exertion?

Suppose we have two versions of me. Code monkey and landscaper. How might they react to the same kind of stress?

Telecommuting code monkeyLandscaper
Minor trigger in the morningMinor dip in moodMinor dip in mood
Stare mindlessly at computer all dayWork ass off in the sunshine
Exit home office, still at homeCommute home, transition away from work
Not physically tired, mentally drainedPhysically exhausted
Question: What is my mood now?Same or worse? Haven't been transported out of myself enough to forget the trigger?Same or better? Physical exertion helped me recover?

This is simplistic I know, yet I do wonder.  Am I in the right profession?  Rather than seeing my pdoc to adjust my meds, maybe I should change jobs?  And isn't this about life management in general?  Hey maybe it's not your illness... maybe it's the weed you're smoking, the alcohol you're drinking, the toxic relationship you're maintaining, and on and on and on.  Mental illness is like having to do life management on steroids... with the added bonus of medications.

Image credit: Flickr

Landscaping therapy

I spent most of the weekend landscaping my front yard.  As a birthday present my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and Mary's dad all pitched in Sunday morning as well.  That may have been the best birthday present I've ever received.  Today I am extremely sore.  I was using muscles I don't normally use and pushing my weak-ass body to its limits.

It feels like it's been beaten into my head that exercise is good for me and that a sedentary lifestyle can cause all sorts of health issues.  As someone with mental illness I know that there's research out there show that exercise can reduce depression.  It's one of the suggestions that always annoy me.

Me: "I think I might need to adjust my medication."
Doctor/friend/loved one/my internal critic: "You know that exercise can really help depression.  You should try that."
Me: "You should go fuck yourself."

Yes I know I should be exercising.  Yes I know it's lazy to just want to take medication and that be enough.  Yes I know I need to manage my life carefully to handle stress so I avoid mania and depression.  Yes I know that if I did all the right things maybe I wouldn't need to rely on my medication as much as I do.  Yes yes yes... I get it.  Are you running your life perfectly?

My aches and pains have prompted me to think about exercise and what it might be like to have a job where I was outside and working my body.  What if I were a professional landscaper?  Would my mental illness be less severe if I weren't a telecommuting code monkey that was indoors for days at a time?  It relates to the question of whether there are things (such as a crisis or grueling labor) that can take our minds off our mental illness to such an extent we seem "normal". I think a crisis definitely can for a limited amount of time. As long as the depression has not gotten completely debilitating, I think we manage to put ourselves on the back burner so to speak. But that can only last so long. What about all day long exposure to the outdoors with strenuous exertion?

Suppose we have two versions of me. Code monkey and landscaper. How might they react to the same kind of stress?

Telecommuting code monkeyLandscaper
Minor trigger in the morningMinor dip in moodMinor dip in mood
Stare mindlessly at computer all dayWork ass off in the sunshine
Exit home office, still at homeCommute home, transition away from work
Not physically tired, mentally drainedPhysically exhausted
Question: What is my mood now?Same or worse? Haven't been transported out of myself enough to forget the trigger?Same or better? Physical exertion helped me recover?

This is simplistic I know, yet I do wonder.  Am I in the right profession?  Rather than seeing my pdoc to adjust my meds, maybe I should change jobs?  And isn't this about life management in general?  Hey maybe it's not your illness... maybe it's the weed you're smoking, the alcohol you're drinking, the toxic relationship you're maintaining, and on and on and on.  Mental illness is like having to do life management on steroids... with the added bonus of medications.

The Best Sort of Mistake

So apparently, I was incredibly wrong about something. It turns out that Dr. K wasn’t leaving — she was about to go on vacation and wanted the matter of my Seroquel resolved before she left! Oh man, I cannot express how huge a relief it was to walk into the hospital today and see her face.

And it was a productive, blessedly short appointment! Like, we’re talking 15 minutes with a lot crammed in. She called my GP to remind them to get back to her about the ADHD referral while I was there, which was a nice touch. We also discussed the meds plan for the next bit. We upped the Zoloft to the maximum dose (from 150mg to 200mg). We are both down with making the Depakote go away since it’s not really helping and the side effects are pissing me off. She wants to switch me to another mood stabiliser… I think it was Abilify? Doctors here always use the not-brand name for meds, which is why I know how to say things like quetiapine. ¬¬ She didn’t want to start me on it now though ’cause I pointed out that even if I’m feeling stabler with the Seroquel back to the extended release, I’m still dealing with depression and anxiety out of the aether. She said that whatever it was she had to mind could have increased anxiety in the first week or two, and she didn’t want to make worse what was already going on. Fair enough. I just like knowing that we have a plan of action.

As for how I’m feeling… ask me tomorrow, ha ha. Today has been a hella busy day, well beyond what I normally can tolerate. Tomorrow is also a return to status normal here at ours, as the bigger kiddo will be back in school after the two week Easter holiday. I love her very much and enjoy her company, but her being back at school means that I will be able to get myself and the little one back on the ‘proper’ day schedule. Smallest permitting, I am going to have a grand day of not having to deal with people for a few hours. 😀

Hope this finds everyone well!

<3

The Best Sort of Mistake

So apparently, I was incredibly wrong about something. It turns out that Dr. K wasn’t leaving — she was about to go on vacation and wanted the matter of my Seroquel resolved before she left! Oh man, I cannot express how huge a relief it was to walk into the hospital today and see her face.

And it was a productive, blessedly short appointment! Like, we’re talking 15 minutes with a lot crammed in. She called my GP to remind them to get back to her about the ADHD referral while I was there, which was a nice touch. We also discussed the meds plan for the next bit. We upped the Zoloft to the maximum dose (from 150mg to 200mg). We are both down with making the Depakote go away since it’s not really helping and the side effects are pissing me off. She wants to switch me to another mood stabiliser… I think it was Abilify? Doctors here always use the not-brand name for meds, which is why I know how to say things like quetiapine. ¬¬ She didn’t want to start me on it now though ’cause I pointed out that even if I’m feeling stabler with the Seroquel back to the extended release, I’m still dealing with depression and anxiety out of the aether. She said that whatever it was she had to mind could have increased anxiety in the first week or two, and she didn’t want to make worse what was already going on. Fair enough. I just like knowing that we have a plan of action.

As for how I’m feeling… ask me tomorrow, ha ha. Today has been a hella busy day, well beyond what I normally can tolerate. Tomorrow is also a return to status normal here at ours, as the bigger kiddo will be back in school after the two week Easter holiday. I love her very much and enjoy her company, but her being back at school means that I will be able to get myself and the little one back on the ‘proper’ day schedule. Smallest permitting, I am going to have a grand day of not having to deal with people for a few hours. 😀

Hope this finds everyone well!

<3