Daily Archives: March 30, 2016

This Is How It Goes

I’m writing this during a panic attack. It isn’t exactly low grade, but I am functional during it. Normally I can’t breathe and I curl up in my bed and shake violently. But right now I can focus and I can write. To describe what I am feeling, I would say that my chest is […]

This Is How It Goes

I’m writing this during a panic attack. It isn’t exactly low grade, but I am functional during it. Normally I can’t breathe and I curl up in my bed and shake violently. But right now I can focus and I can write. To describe what I am feeling, I would say that my chest is […]

I Am Not Ashamed


I am not ashamed that I live with bipolar disorder, a mental illness, a brain disorder. I am not ashamed that I take psychotropic medication. I am not ashamed that my parents are struggling as they age, as their brains and bodies fail them. There is no shame in that. There is no need to hide. No need to keep it a secret.

As I love and respect myself, I love and respect my parents. I assume that my love comes through my writing. I know that others identify with their struggles and with my struggles. I know that it helps to have others for support, to know that you are not alone. There are support groups. Reach out. Get help. Do not try to do it all alone. It’s too much to do alone. 

Alzheimer’s Association 

Formed in 1980, the Alzheimer’s Association advances research to end Alzheimer’s and dementia while enhancing care for those living with the disease.

National Institute on Aging

NIA, one of the 27 Institutes and Centers of NIH, leads a broad scientific effort to understand the nature of aging and to extend the healthy, active years of life. NIA is the primary Federal agency supporting and conducting Alzheimer’s disease research.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services that leads public health efforts to advance the behavioral health of the nation. SAMHSA’s mission is to reduce the impact of substance abuse and mental illness on America’s communities.


Filed under: Alcoholism, Bipolar Disorder, Dementia, Family, Mental Illness, Stigma Tagged: alcohol related dementia, shame, vascular dementia, WorldBipolarDay

Justin Trudeau’s impressive core strength will make you say ‘namaste’ (and Dreamboat 😄)

 Sigh, what a dreamboat!!! Gosh, can we import him and export that &@$$ Drumpf? Please!

http://mashable.com/2016/03/29/justin-trudeau-yoga-namaste/#ch8K0DDqs5qoBY HEIDI MOORE
We know many things about Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau: his inclusiveness on gender and race, his strong faith in the American people, his warmth toward refugees, his ability to ignite the world’s best bromance with President Obama. 

Less well-known about Trudeau is his impressive upper-body strength. 
The slim Trudeau, who is 6’2″, balanced only on his wrists on a table, achieving a yogi-approved “peacock pose,” or mayurasana. 
The pose is a powerful one — even besides the biceps required — because the peacock represents “big things, like immortality and love,” in Hindu lore, according to Yoga Journal. 
The pose has a rich mythology based on the theme of peacocks destroying snakes that represent human flaws and attachments. It also has an extensive range of detoxifying physical benefits, according to athletic wear brand Athleta, which says “this pose strengthens the digestive system, stimulates metabolism, and purges your body of toxins by massaging the digestive organs, increasing the blood circulation, and strengthening the core.”
While it’s not clear when or where the picture of Trudeau was taken — the blurriness suggests it’s a bit old — it was given viral new life by a Facebook post by Canadian yoga teacher David Gellineau.
Trudeau tweeted it himself in 2013.

Naturally, it also shows off the polymath abilities of Trudeau, a Renaissance man whose personal traits seem all the more appealing to many Americans given the dire state of the 2016 election. 
There are other examples of Trudeau’s aptitude for Eastern movements. 
In 2015, he and his wife Sophie did tree pose — with Trudeau in a full suit — impressing Canadians and yogis alike by maintaining excellent form, keeping their feet away from their knees. 
Trudeau has also showed off his physical abilities by dancing to bhangra, or Indian music, credibly enough to impress some Canadians of Indian descent and become a sensation in India. (The full video is at this link, with Trudeau entering at around 9:25 minutes in).
Trudeau’s abilities run in the family, it seems. There is a popular, widely circulated picture of his late father, former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, doing the same peacock pose. 
There’s a long history of world leaders showing off their physical prowess, from Vladimir Putin’s shirtless hunting and workouts to Barack Obama’s jogging video with vice president Joe Biden, not to mention his beachgoing pictures. 
The strongman displays tend to be a bit retro, however — weights, shirtlessness — and Putin seems to avoid yoga, losing out on an opportunity to get a little more zen. 
Once again, Trudeau shows himself to be on the right side of history. We say namaste. 
BONUS: How to move to Canada


Letter To My Fellow Bipolar Soldiers

Ready. Set. Sail! Happy World Bipolar Day everyone. Yes it’s a happy day. It’s a magnificent day to be alive. You made it! You fought back against the condescending and cruel Fog that clouded your judgement. Called you weak. Worthless. You stood up under immense pressure and said, “Enough!” You fought back. Told yourself you… More Letter To My Fellow Bipolar Soldiers

Bad Things Happen And Life Still Goes On

KITTY FUND

 

I managed two weeks of max stress and agitation. Now I am complete splat. Including stomach issues, headache, a complete inability to focus or enjoy anything, and a strong desire to clock watch and count hours until I can just melt away into sleep….

Oh, depression…I did not miss your crippling presence. You were always there, lingering, hovering, a black cloud over head but now that all my resources for coping have been used…You are kicking my ass. And I am too damned tired to fight you. For now.

I don’t know if it was the looming depressive splat or my fried nerves but I let my kid stay at her grandmother’s last night. I just needed quiet. My brain, literally, needed quiet. I should not have let her think she was being rewarded and that it is my failure but…Geesh, I am not superhuman. I have limits. Two mega fits from her in three days, plus all the other crap on my plate…I earned that reprieve. And she’s still grounded from her friends, her new bike, the phone…I am trying to be consistent but when you reach a point of not liking your kid cos you’re just beaten down so far…A break isn’t the worst thing you can give yourself.

I am drained. I slept but I was wakened several times. Once at 11:30 by a text from R telling me one of his eldest’s friends died, apparent overdose. That’s two of her friends that have died in less than a year of an overdose. This girl I actually knew, so it’s disturbed me to an extent. She wasn’t even 30 years old. Here I am, barely functional or desiring to function, living on and on. Yeah, fatalistic, I  have a kid to think about, I suck.

Contrary to what some think…Having a kid doesn’t cure you of depression, bipolar, anxiety, or the desire to simply cease to exist because it hurts too much to be alive, trying so hard and still failing. My kid makes me fight harder, sure. She can’t trump depression, though. It’s not a matter of what’s more important. It’s a matter of what messages my brain is sending to me. Some days it says to fight and rebel. Others, like today, it tells me how unworthy I am to still be breathing.

To add more insult to injury…I didn’t lose food stamps for Spook but they cut the amount 70%. Which means all that child support money will be going toward food rather than pet care or making my car not a death trap. Just as I feared all along. I am worse off rather than better. I am a horrible person for bitching, yeah, yeah. The system shouldn’t punish for trying to make ends meet, though.

On the plus side, it means I am probably gonna lose a lot of weight as I struggle to make sure every available cent goes toward her getting decent nutrition. Not like I eat fancy now, but I had enough to feed us both. Now…Not so much. More financial juggling will be required. First world problems. I feel like a jerk even mentioning this shit and yet…

B hings happen and life goes on.

I received the information and book where she was approved for the donor’s insurance policy. That sent me crashing down even more. Rather than simplify things, this has complicated it. It will surely mean having to communicate with him at some point. I’d rather gargle broken glass.

Meanwhile, still zero word from the lawyer about where things stand in dissolving my other tie to him. And I just wanna rip the bandage off. Be done with it. I moved on a month after he left, and five years later, still trying to rid myself of the albatross.

I’m a mess, period. Stomach hurts. Head aches. Body feels bruised. I can’t focus, can’t even enjoy my TV shows. I want to go to bed. That’s my primary thought.

No matter how many of these severe splat days I experience in my life…I never quite get used to them. Never get used to how low it takes me, how close to that dark space you can’t return from it goes…

I am trying to look around for hope, for things that are positive.

Depression eats positive for breakfast.

So I am gonna write this day off. I’m taking care of my kid. Aside from laundry to be folded, the house isn’t that bad. Fuck it. I can have a down day. Not like I get a say in the matter. Scumbag brain is on a roll with the bad mental juju.

On a final note…If you were a fan of the old show Prison Break, or a fan of the new Legends of Tomorrow, this article with star Wentworth Miller interested me a great deal. Depression doesn’t care if you’re a Hollywood celebrity. The suffering is the same. The feelings he speaks of…Depression is universal.

 

Oh and it’s world bipolar day or some shit so…Go make someone aware of bipolar disorder. Like it will matter. Instead, I say we throw bipolar a parade, rain on it, and blow up its fucking floats.

 


Do I Have A JOB?

So I applied for this part-time job working for a psychiatrist (I know it sounds like a joke but it’s TRUE!), converting all of her paper records to electronic, about three weeks ago. I had an interview which I thought went really well, but I never heard back from her.  So, I totally gave up and said, fuck this work noise.  THEN this Monday I got a voicemail from her, saying she wanted to discuss the position with me and was I still interested in the job?  Well I have to admit I felt ambivalent about it because I had resigned myself to the idea that I was (am) unemployable and now I would have to change how I was thinking about myself.  But, thinking it would be stupid as fucking hell not to respond to her, I called her back on Monday afternoon and left her an enthusiastic message saying that Yes, I was interested in the position.  And then….nothing.  So I’m like, what the fuck?  Is it possible she didn’t get my voicemail?  Did she change her mind?  Surely she didn’t change her mind based on my awesome voicemail, did she?  I mean, what in the fuckin’ fuck?  So I am just sitting here, back at square one, wondering what I am doing, with myself, with my life, am I going to get Disability, am I going to go broke, am I going to get a job, can I do a job if I get one, oh life’s little questions that torture you when you have too much time on your hands and NO ANSWERS!  AND I’ve eaten eight dark chocolate-covered espresso beans and I’m waiting for the buzz to come.  No buzz.  I swear to GOD I’m going to switch to cocaine if the old faithful, caffeine, stops working for me!  But hell no I can’t afford cocaine.  And where would you get cocaine?  Plus, it’s so impure, I’d hate to put that in my body.  Anyhoo, this is one hell of a ramble.  I think I’ll go make a smoothie.  Hope your week is going better than mine, either way, let me know!  Peach out homies!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Working, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Do I Have A JOB?

So I applied for this part-time job working for a psychiatrist (I know it sounds like a joke but it’s TRUE!), converting all of her paper records to electronic, about three weeks ago. I had an interview which I thought went really well, but I never heard back from her.  So, I totally gave up and said, fuck this work noise.  THEN this Monday I got a voicemail from her, saying she wanted to discuss the position with me and was I still interested in the job?  Well I have to admit I felt ambivalent about it because I had resigned myself to the idea that I was (am) unemployable and now I would have to change how I was thinking about myself.  But, thinking it would be stupid as fucking hell not to respond to her, I called her back on Monday afternoon and left her an enthusiastic message saying that Yes, I was interested in the position.  And then….nothing.  So I’m like, what the fuck?  Is it possible she didn’t get my voicemail?  Did she change her mind?  Surely she didn’t change her mind based on my awesome voicemail, did she?  I mean, what in the fuckin’ fuck?  So I am just sitting here, back at square one, wondering what I am doing, with myself, with my life, am I going to get Disability, am I going to go broke, am I going to get a job, can I do a job if I get one, oh life’s little questions that torture you when you have too much time on your hands and NO ANSWERS!  AND I’ve eaten eight dark chocolate-covered espresso beans and I’m waiting for the buzz to come.  No buzz.  I swear to GOD I’m going to switch to cocaine if the old faithful, caffeine, stops working for me!  But hell no I can’t afford cocaine.  And where would you get cocaine?  Plus, it’s so impure, I’d hate to put that in my body.  Anyhoo, this is one hell of a ramble.  I think I’ll go make a smoothie.  Hope your week is going better than mine, either way, let me know!  Peach out homies!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Working, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Blogging, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Software upgrade!

So yes, depression showed up, but you know what, the monster isn't half as intimidating as it always was.

Software upgrade!

So yes, depression showed up, but you know what, the monster isn't half as intimidating as it always was.