At Loose Ends

loose ends

So it is Tuesday and time to write the blog for this week. I just feel sort of out of it so we’ll see what I come up with.

I am irritated with my psychiatrist and my husband. They think I am doing well because I am not suicidal, not in the hospital, not seeing or hearing things, and not totally down on the couch.

I want more out of my life but am not sure what. Something is wrong. I hope I am not expecting too much and am getting depressed over that. I have just been sick for so long.

I don’t want to and can’t really volunteer. I cancel too much to be dependable.

I have the means and ability to travel but I am too nervous. I was invited by a girlfriend to take a three day cruise with her. The thought of flying over and getting on a boat…not to mention packing and doing all of the stuff you do on a cruise…well, it was just too much. I hope she doesn’t dump me as a friend because I am not fun enough. But she won’t…she is a good person and understands.

My husband has lots of things he likes to do. He loves to go to movies. He likes board games and poker. He likes running around Target and getting a couple of things. He likes rocks and Star Trek. He loves thrift stores. He has good friends also.

I realized I don’t have too many interests. When I was working I was too tired to do much. Now I have time but no interest. I created a couple of good quilts and have another almost done but I have lost heart. I also stopped writing.

Now my husband is lecturing me about things and I realize he is right. I have something to do almost every day this week. Tomorrow I am having lunch with my bipolar author friend. She says she has a copy of her book for me. I am excited. Thursday I am doing happy hour at a new place with one of my best friends. Friday night I am playing a board game. Saturday I am at another garage sale for church. Sunday is church. In between all of this I will be cooking dinner here and there and also cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, and showering. So although I am not exactly busy, I am moving around a bit.

Here’s a little bit of what happened this last week:

Last Tuesday I got up and write my blog. I went in the morning and got a facial. (It doesn’t help my face at all, but is relaxing.) After I had my facial it was about ten, and I felt really dizzy. Then I realized I had not taken my meds. Duh! Took them when I got home.

Trying to reduce the Klonopin I take. I am down to about .75 per day. The doc prescribed up to 1.5 per day so I am okay. I’d like to go to .5 soon. I am taking it slow.

Even though I have driving anxiety, I drove to my facial with my husband in the car. I also got the material I needed to finish my current quilt.

Wednesday:

Went to a movie with a friend. “Miracles from Heaven”. I worried it might be sort of smarmy but it was really good.

I’ve been back on a chat room I used to be on a couple of years ago. It’s for psych people but most of them are bipolar like me. I was up at 3am and I got on and talked to a guy from Saudi Arabia. We talked about terrorism.

Thursday:

Feeling in the middle. Good enough for showering and not canceling. Not good enough for too many plans. I got my hair colored and highlighted today, I don’t care for this…it takes two hours and is uncomfortable. I felt like I need something to feel worthwhile but I still want to rest a lot. But it’s hard to find things where people don’t care if you show up or not.

Friday:

I saw my therapist. I love her. She gave me a hug at the end of our session. I then went over and had lunch with my best friend from high school.

I didn’t sleep too well. We have my middle son (who is easy) back home again…so now we have two kids staying out till all hours. When they come home, the dogs bark and it wakes me up. Pain in the butt.

Saturday:

Got out the Easter tablecloth. My daughter was actually excited about going to church. That was nice. I’ve gotten hooked on herbal tea…trying to get off of coffee.

Sunday:

Good but tiring day. Went to early church and cried a little at the hymns. I am overemotional and get sad when I hear the songs my grandmother used to sing to me when I was little. I didn’t cry too hard, however. I blatantly lied right at church and told a guy I had bad allergies as he wondered why my eyes were so red. Came home from church and did a “money egg hunt” with my adult kids. They loved it.

My youngest has an anger problem. I try to kill him with kindness and that works. But he occasionally tangles with his dad. I know he is spoiled but I am sucking up to him in the hopes of getting him through college. He just got his diploma from community college the other day. It’s just about a year and a half and he will have that four year degree.

I made fruit salad and got the ham in. One of my girlfriends came over. This is the friend with the psychotic daughter. This daughter still is not a lot better. I’m pretty worried about her. I don’t think it is normal to be psychotic this long. Usually they can “jar” you back with meds. But I am no expert.

That’s about it for the week. Thank you all for reading. I feel at least somewhat valuable writing this blog. I don’t know if everyone loves it, but I know we have a good share of readers. So love to all of you reading along.

See you next week,

lily

 

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