Daily Archives: March 29, 2016

RIP Patty Duke

I know next to nothing about Patty Duke.  I didn't know she had bipolar or was a mental health advocate.  I grew up with no access to television which included any reruns of old shows.  I've never seen her television show or The Miracle Worker.  In case you didn't know any of this either, I thought I'd make this post about her passing.  I think it's good to know about mental health advocates and be grateful for the impact they had.  I think it's good to know about public figures that have bipolar and were articulate and realistic about it.

Image credit: Wikipedia


RIP Patty Duke

I know next to nothing about Patty Duke.  I didn't know she had bipolar or was a mental health advocate.  I grew up with no access to television which included any reruns of old shows.  I've never seen her television show or The Miracle Worker.

In case you didn't know any of this either, I thought I'd make this post about her passing.  I think it's good to know about mental health advocates and be grateful for the impact they had.  I think it's good to know about public figures that have bipolar and were articulate and realistic about it.

Image credit: Wikipedia


Butterfly breathing

More racing thoughts.  Work productivity is a little better, but I wouldn't say by much.  I've managed to make a little more progress on one simple bug.  On a good day this bug should take an hour.  I'm going on a day and a half at this point.
How am I supposed to focus when I am this distractable and filled with restless energy?  It's almost like akathisia but I can't imagine why I would be experiencing that.

I'm able to sit still for periods of time.  It's akin to "butterflies" in your stomach.  I frequently have to take a deep breath as I realize I'm breathing so shallowly that I'm out of breath.

I'm self-diagnosing it as hypomania at this point.  All I want to do is write and draw.  The ideas are flowing even though I can barely focus.  My mind is jumping from one idea to another, thinking about finances, the upcoming yard work, autism, bipolar, my brother, my parents, the list goes on.

So far today I have:
1) Done 4 loads of laundry
2) Deactivated my old twitter account and started a new twitter account for @frustratedmess I'm hoping to use it to spew out random stuff and not clutter the blog.
3) Updated the layout of blog adding a button to follow me on twitter
4) Corrected several errors in old blog posts
5) E-mailed the Bipolar Blogger Network asking them to add my blog to their list.

And probably more posts are in the works... so more than one in a day perhaps!  Can you say hypomania?

Image credit: Pixabay

At Loose Ends

loose ends

So it is Tuesday and time to write the blog for this week. I just feel sort of out of it so we’ll see what I come up with.

I am irritated with my psychiatrist and my husband. They think I am doing well because I am not suicidal, not in the hospital, not seeing or hearing things, and not totally down on the couch.

I want more out of my life but am not sure what. Something is wrong. I hope I am not expecting too much and am getting depressed over that. I have just been sick for so long.

I don’t want to and can’t really volunteer. I cancel too much to be dependable.

I have the means and ability to travel but I am too nervous. I was invited by a girlfriend to take a three day cruise with her. The thought of flying over and getting on a boat…not to mention packing and doing all of the stuff you do on a cruise…well, it was just too much. I hope she doesn’t dump me as a friend because I am not fun enough. But she won’t…she is a good person and understands.

My husband has lots of things he likes to do. He loves to go to movies. He likes board games and poker. He likes running around Target and getting a couple of things. He likes rocks and Star Trek. He loves thrift stores. He has good friends also.

I realized I don’t have too many interests. When I was working I was too tired to do much. Now I have time but no interest. I created a couple of good quilts and have another almost done but I have lost heart. I also stopped writing.

Now my husband is lecturing me about things and I realize he is right. I have something to do almost every day this week. Tomorrow I am having lunch with my bipolar author friend. She says she has a copy of her book for me. I am excited. Thursday I am doing happy hour at a new place with one of my best friends. Friday night I am playing a board game. Saturday I am at another garage sale for church. Sunday is church. In between all of this I will be cooking dinner here and there and also cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, and showering. So although I am not exactly busy, I am moving around a bit.

Here’s a little bit of what happened this last week:

Last Tuesday I got up and write my blog. I went in the morning and got a facial. (It doesn’t help my face at all, but is relaxing.) After I had my facial it was about ten, and I felt really dizzy. Then I realized I had not taken my meds. Duh! Took them when I got home.

Trying to reduce the Klonopin I take. I am down to about .75 per day. The doc prescribed up to 1.5 per day so I am okay. I’d like to go to .5 soon. I am taking it slow.

Even though I have driving anxiety, I drove to my facial with my husband in the car. I also got the material I needed to finish my current quilt.

Wednesday:

Went to a movie with a friend. “Miracles from Heaven”. I worried it might be sort of smarmy but it was really good.

I’ve been back on a chat room I used to be on a couple of years ago. It’s for psych people but most of them are bipolar like me. I was up at 3am and I got on and talked to a guy from Saudi Arabia. We talked about terrorism.

Thursday:

Feeling in the middle. Good enough for showering and not canceling. Not good enough for too many plans. I got my hair colored and highlighted today, I don’t care for this…it takes two hours and is uncomfortable. I felt like I need something to feel worthwhile but I still want to rest a lot. But it’s hard to find things where people don’t care if you show up or not.

Friday:

I saw my therapist. I love her. She gave me a hug at the end of our session. I then went over and had lunch with my best friend from high school.

I didn’t sleep too well. We have my middle son (who is easy) back home again…so now we have two kids staying out till all hours. When they come home, the dogs bark and it wakes me up. Pain in the butt.

Saturday:

Got out the Easter tablecloth. My daughter was actually excited about going to church. That was nice. I’ve gotten hooked on herbal tea…trying to get off of coffee.

Sunday:

Good but tiring day. Went to early church and cried a little at the hymns. I am overemotional and get sad when I hear the songs my grandmother used to sing to me when I was little. I didn’t cry too hard, however. I blatantly lied right at church and told a guy I had bad allergies as he wondered why my eyes were so red. Came home from church and did a “money egg hunt” with my adult kids. They loved it.

My youngest has an anger problem. I try to kill him with kindness and that works. But he occasionally tangles with his dad. I know he is spoiled but I am sucking up to him in the hopes of getting him through college. He just got his diploma from community college the other day. It’s just about a year and a half and he will have that four year degree.

I made fruit salad and got the ham in. One of my girlfriends came over. This is the friend with the psychotic daughter. This daughter still is not a lot better. I’m pretty worried about her. I don’t think it is normal to be psychotic this long. Usually they can “jar” you back with meds. But I am no expert.

That’s about it for the week. Thank you all for reading. I feel at least somewhat valuable writing this blog. I don’t know if everyone loves it, but I know we have a good share of readers. So love to all of you reading along.

See you next week,

lily

 

Vascular Dementia and Psychosis

trees and mountain range in distance
My husband, son & I are visiting my sister, her family, and the in-laws (my sister and I married brothers) in Oregon. Beautiful outside. We can see Mt. St. Helens peaking out in the distance, but it doesn’t really show up in this photo.

Trying to focus on nature’s beauty to give my mind and my soul a break from the burden of caregiving for my parents.

Had to have my mother psychiatrically hospitalized again. Vascular dementia due to her recent stroke in addition to pre-existing mental illness led to psychotic behavior. Details of what she did are not particularly pleasant, so I will spare you.

Hope that her new medication regimen will improve the quality of her life. Painful process to watch, seeing someone you love devastated by a stroke. My mother’s vascular dementia is worse than my father’s alcohol-related dementia. He has no short-term memory and is aware of his memory loss, but retains social skills. My mother rebels against her circumstances with sometimes bizarre behavior.

Take care of your brain. Injuries to it can alter your life in terrible ways.


Filed under: About Mental Health, Dementia, Family, Health Tagged: aging, caregiving, Psychosis, stroke, vascular dementia

Hypersexuality

A word of warning…as you can see by the title, todays post is about hypersexuality and I will be speaking with honesty and candidness, as I do with all subjects. If this is going to be more info than you care to know about me, it’d probably be best to put your fingers in your […]

The post Hypersexuality appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Submission: Wilton Schereka

I wanted this image to be one of power and not pathos. Two years ago I was burning myself to shit, bound to the lonely confines of bipolar disorder. I […]

Submission: Wilton Schereka

I wanted this image to be one of power and not pathos. Two years ago I was burning myself to shit, bound to the lonely confines of bipolar disorder. I […]

Westward Ho! Day 2

Interior, SD (9 AM) to Billings, MT (5:30PM).  393 miles.

I slept like the dead.  Then, the alarm on my phone went off after I thought I’d turned it off (I was pretty boo-boo faced last night after my four hour learning curve on the Microsoft laptop).  I fell out of my oh-so comfy king-sized bed trying to find the Dream-Killer.  As is inevitable after the alarm goes off, Nature called, and I slammed my head into the bathroom vanity in the dark.  Which made me use new and Technicolor swears while laughing.  So much for sleeping in.

FrostyInstead, I did the Sun Salutation until my aching back started to unknot (thank you, Jinjer) and puttered.  Before I left the Circle View Ranch, I spent some quality time with Frosty, one of the hosts.  It was nice to be claimed by an unknown cat.  Sort of validated my whole existence as a human being.

Wyatt's HideawayMy mood slid south while I pointed Corvus northwest.  I wasn’t surprised by the depression after Sunday’s giddiness; too much tension, too tired, too much of too much.  Moderation was required.  And another validation of who I am as a human being.

The Badlands became foothills, which looked like mountains to me.  At a rest stop outside Piedmont, I pondered my life as a Flatlander.

IMG_0342Here were ranches and homes tucked into the crook of these huge elbows of rock.  Didn’t people get claustrophobic?  How did they orient without a horizon?  How could they prepare for bad weather if they couldn’t see it coming?  Maybe there was a sense of safety and comfort in being nestled up against a mountain-ish thing.  I don’t think I’d like it.  I’d always be looking over my shoulder.

antelopeThe speed limit out here is 80 mph on the freeway (or “motorway,” as John calls it).  I couldn’t bring myself to go that fast.  Even 75 felt out of control and dangerous.  I’m sure a lot of colorful swears darted through the whooshing air as everyone passed me, but what with zipping up and down mountains on curvy roads, and juggling a water bottle, and maybe changing out the audiobook, I thought prudence should prevail.  Besides, I might have missed the little herds of antelope grazing on the slopes, and they were too sweet to be missed.

Tonight, my hosts, John and Coreen welcomed me into their home.  It still feels a little odd barging into someone’s home to stay the night.  I know that’s my bipolarness talking.  I know I’ve paid them to let me sleep in their pretty guest room.  We had a wonderful conversation about mental illness (Coreen’s sister has BP), Habitat for Humanity (which is John’s post-retirement job), the plight of Native Americans, and some religion thrown in for spice.  I sat in Coreen’s kitchen, slurping my Ramen noodles while she prepared their supper, and John complained about being hungry.  It all seemed so normal.

I can sit with my moments of feeling like an intruder.  They’re just another bit of bipolar not-good-enough muddying the view.  I can counter them with the warm fuzziness of meeting kind and generous folk at the end of a long day’s journey.

Depression and antelopes.  Speed and hospitality.  It all evens out.

 

 

 


Give Me Novacaine

Excellent Greenday song, but seriously…My head is throbbing, I need brain novacaine.

Had another pea soup incident with the spawn. She took off without telling me she was going to the neighbor’s and I freaked when I didn’t see her out the window so I made her come home…She went ballistic. I had to physically catch her as she ran away, put her over my shoulder (like wrestling a gator, this kid is so strong) and pack her inside, all the while she is thrashing and screaming.

It was a bad one, though not as long or bad as Saturday night’s fit. I was at wit’s end and called my dad and stepmom, mainly because I wanted them to hear how she talks to me and how not even they were calming her down.  Stepmonster asked if I wanted them to come get her, keep her a day or two…(yes, please, get this monster away from me, I am having a nervous breakdown!) But I said NO. That would be rewarding her with a sleepover and playing at their house. NOPE.

It was nice that them talking to her didn’t make much difference. Everyone has me believing I am just inept as a parent and I am telling you, I have done everything short of a straight jacket, to get this kid in line. She just loses it.

51 minutes it lasted. She threw shoes at my head. A full bottle of water. She tried to throw her dvd player. She kept clawing at me, trying to hit me when I was near, growling, screaming that I am mean and stupid…

I don’t think a non bipolar parent could have withstood it without screaming or lashing out physically. The fact I manage is a miracle. Of course, I’ve started taping her episodes because it helps me remember to not let her bait me into the mud slinging area. It also helps after the fact if I hear it and make sure I am doing the right things in an effort to defuse the situation.

And then, BAM. She came out of it. Apologized. Hugged me. We played Old Bunny (Easter form of Old Maid.) It’s why I don’t lash out when she has the fits. Once they are over, she’s back to being my civilized kid. Kinda like my bipolar episodes. Except hers are almost always instigated with the word no or too much sugar, she gets violent, and they don’t last for more than an hour or two. I am gonna call the pediatrician tomorrow for a psych referral. Three years now I have been doing what this peds doc suggested with the counseling and the parenting skills thing and taking away stuff and every fucking thing under the sea….Nothing is working. I don’t deserve to live in fear of her fits and being hit.

Of course, after three years and no problems at school, I doubt the doctor will give me a referral. I’m the problem as the child psychologist said. My kid is just reacting to my anxiety and depression making her feel insecure, unsafe, and out of control.

Such a load of fucking bullshit. I have done nothing but try to make life as stable as possible for this kid. If there’s something unstable and upsetting the balance, it’s her out of control rage fits. I am tired of being blamed for her behavior. Especially if it’s like the males in my family and taking ADHD meds can fix it. BRING ON THE PILLS BEFORE I RUN AWAY FROM HOME.

It is not a good feeling when you realize, I don’t like my child. Of course, underneath, you know you love that child and you do like them, but when they are being abusive to you in every way…How could you not dislike them at that time? It’s just logical, even for a parent.

So…she is grounded for a week. She’s sleeping now. My head hurts in spite of pain killer. I just got rid of one of my churning stomach acid tummy episodes, which indicates just how high my stress level has gone. All because I exercised discipline for improper behavior and told her she had to come home for the night.

She is NOT gonna win. NOPE.

But I am also not too arrogant to admit, I need help here, time to call in reinforcements even it’s in the form of a shrink and pills.

I did manage to make a little headway on the housework today, between her demands and fits. I am buried alive with the laundry to be washed and folded but…I got dishes done, she cleaned the cat boxes, and I vacuumed the living room. It’s something, right?

I think, IF, I can drag my ass out of bed in the morning before ten a.m. (yes, you can loosely watch your kid while dozing in and out)…I will go get my bloodwork done for the lithium level. Just take her with me. I have to grab a pizza for my sister’s birthday gift, so I will be out anyway. I want school back in session already, fuck this spring break shit.

If something isn’t done by summer vacation….I will be in a straight jacket sucking down haladol cocktails at the rubber ramada bar.

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