Daily Archives: March 16, 2016

Paralyzed

I have had a sudden rush of symptoms pop back into my life suddenly. My restless leg syndrome has become unbearable. And I have had sleep paralysis a half dozen times in the last couple of weeks. But most importantly my anxiety is way up, even as my depression is starting to decrease. I’m having […]

Shit falls apart

That's what is happening these days... shit seems to be falling apart.

The house
Our house is losing 25 gallons an hour.  There are no obvious internal signs like wet carpet etc. so at least we got that going for us.  But we can't figure out what it is.  The plumber is coming tomorrow.  Hopefully it's just the toilets.  Hopefully the home warranty will cover the repairs.  Otherwise I'm not sure what the hell we're spending $60 a month on.



My work chair

Sat it on today.  Half the seat fell in.  It can be repaired and Mary got all the information off the bottom, which was so kind and thoughtful.  She could tell I was pretty grumpy about the whole thing.

I think it's interesting I got this chair in January of 2007.  I was unmedicated, terribly depressed, and in a lot of pain.  January is the month of bad impulse control.  Phones get upgraded, electronics purchased, scratch-offs, etc. etc.  This chair is an unbelievable $1,000.  I dropped that no problem... without looking back.




My work computer
It's not really my work laptop, but the virtual machine for spinning up the latest release.  Somehow by interacting with source control and requesting, cancelling, then requesting an operation again I seem to have completely hosed my environment.  If I don't get it fixed, then I don't know what my co-worker will do.  He doesn't know how to fix it.  I'm only writing this post because I have rebooted the machine three times trying different things to fix it.








#Thankful for Support

Beardless iris and daisy watercolor with

Thank you to my son for excercising more independence as I’ve been busy attending to my parents’ affairs, to my husband for everything from chipping in around the house to loving me deeply and devotedly, to my sister as we support each other in making decisions on our parents’ behalf now that they are unable to do so, to our extended family for supporting our decisions and loving us, to my friends, neighbors and online support network for being there, to the Silverado Memory Care Community in San Juan Capistrano for offering my parents’ excellent care and me support and respite, to Jane Mahakian, PhD of Aging Matters for facilitating care and helping my parents and me with this difficult life transition, to Rory Barish of Lane Four Real Estate for representing us as we negotiate leasing our parents’ home, to Steve Shields, CFP for helping with our parents’ financial planning, to my mental health providers, Brynne Lum, LMFT and Alex Michelson, MD, for helping me cope.

Much of the support I have access to is thanks to my parents’ savings. Few have such resources and do not have access to the same care options. That is tragic. Everyone needs access to excellent health care and excellent long term care. Not just those fortunate enough to have significant savings (or adequate long term care insurance) in their senior years.

Honestly, I never could do it without all of you. Thank you. God bless you all.


Filed under: About Mental Health, Dementia, Family, Gratitude Tagged: elder, health care, long term care, senior care, stroke rehab, support, thankfulness

Shopping

WEnt shopping this morning with the oldest to guy her some dresses for spring. WE had good luck–we found four that she liked right off the bat.  I found two tops I liked as well so that was a nice bonus.  We ate Chinese after shopping and had fund doing that.  We’ve just enjoyed spending time together these past few days.  She goes back tonight to meet with her physical therapist tomorrow morning to see what else they can do for her shoulders and upper back.  So we will miss her the last couple of days of spring break.  BUt I think she has plans with her friends as well so she won’t be lonely there, either.

The weather has been so nice here since SUnday, but they say the rain should start again soon and go through the weekend.  Easter is usually cold and rainy around here, so  I’m not surprised.  (Sorry my computer has a mind of its own today.  It’s deleting and marking things in my post for no reason.  Sorry for any confusion that may ensue).

I slept in this morning but haven’t had to nap any since then.  I’m still fasting from Cokes so am doing really well for not having hardly any caffeine.  I hope to continue to stay off of them so I can keep losing weight, also.  We will see how that goes.

 


Iran Launches Long-Range Missiles Emblazoned With Slogan: ‘Israel Should Be Wiped Off The Face Of The Earth’

http://www.memri.org/report/en/0/0/0/0/0/0/9078.htm

Please click on the link, read, and watch the video.  You don’t need to read Farsi or Arabic or Hebrew, since it’s translated, but I’m a fan of original language since things do get left out in translation.

Many of the larger Grad (Russian) and other Iranian built missiles that have been launched out of Gaza since 2008 have had “love letters” from Iran stamped all over them.  Literally, stamped, so you can read them on the bodies of the exploded missiles.

In fact, more than one container ship has been stopped in the Suez Canal, full of Iranian “home missile kits” which, when fully assembled, make nice big missiles with warheads full of ball bearings, to do the most damage to whoever gets in the way.  Fortunately, there aren’t many habitable areas in Israel, so most of the missiles land in inhabited areas, or on the poor Bedouins who are really the ones who got screwed when they were forced out of their nomadic life in North Africa.  Like so many others, they took refuge in Israel, but since Israel is the size of Delaware, there’s not much space for them to wander.  So they get hit with missiles meant for Jews.

The concept of getting rid of Jews is not new to the world.  What is disturbing to the Jewish soul is that the Muslim world seems not to care that if they blow up Israel, millions of their Muslim brethren will also perish.  Is that the way to solve the bickering over who “owns” the land between the Jordan and the Mediterranean?  Wipe it out?  Clean the slate?  Ridiculous, doesn’t it sound that way?  Could never happen?

Well, history shows otherwise.  Even modern history, going on right now.  The wars in the Middle East have been raging on for decades, and I am not talking about Israel/Palestine/Jordan/Lebanon/Egypt.  I am talking much, much bigger players and bigger numbers: Iran/Iraq/Afghanistan/Syria, of which Serbia/Kosovo is an extension.

The reality on the ground in terms of weapons supply chain is:

Russia>>Iran>>Syria>>Hezballah, Iran>>Hamas/Fatah.

Now there is the new factor of the “Islamic State,” which is turning the ideals of Shari’a law on its head by doing things that are theoretically permitted but never done, at least not since the 7th century, specifically, capturing, using, and selling sex slaves from “enemy/infidel tribes,” specifically the Yazidis.

I’ll explain the Yazidi situation in another post, since I don’t want to get too much farther off track here.

The point I want to make is that in getting rid of Israel, Iran will happily take out millions of Muslims, not only in the West Bank and Gaza, but also in Egypt, Lebanon, and, of course, whatever’s left of Syria.

We Hebrews have our own beliefs about this process of extermination of our own people, which has been going on for thousands of years.

But for the Jewish mind, there is no way to understand a people who are willing to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of their own brothers and sisters all over the world, just to get rid of everybody else. 


Iran Launches Long-Range Missiles Emblazoned With Slogan: ‘Israel Should Be Wiped Off The Face Of The Earth’

http://www.memri.org/report/en/0/0/0/0/0/0/9078.htm

Please click on the link, read, and watch the video.  You don’t need to read Farsi or Arabic or Hebrew, since it’s translated, but I’m a fan of original language since things do get left out in translation.

Many of the larger Grad (Russian) and other Iranian built missiles that have been launched out of Gaza since 2008 have had “love letters” from Iran stamped all over them.  Literally, stamped, so you can read them on the bodies of the exploded missiles.

In fact, more than one container ship has been stopped in the Suez Canal, full of Iranian “home missile kits” which, when fully assembled, make nice big missiles with warheads full of ball bearings, to do the most damage to whoever gets in the way.  Fortunately, there aren’t many habitable areas in Israel, so most of the missiles land in inhabited areas, or on the poor Bedouins who are really the ones who got screwed when they were forced out of their nomadic life in North Africa.  Like so many others, they took refuge in Israel, but since Israel is the size of Delaware, there’s not much space for them to wander.  So they get hit with missiles meant for Jews.

The concept of getting rid of Jews is not new to the world.  What is disturbing to the Jewish soul is that the Muslim world seems not to care that if they blow up Israel, millions of their Muslim brethren will also perish.  Is that the way to solve the bickering over who “owns” the land between the Jordan and the Mediterranean?  Wipe it out?  Clean the slate?  Ridiculous, doesn’t it sound that way?  Could never happen?

Well, history shows otherwise.  Even modern history, going on right now.  The wars in the Middle East have been raging on for decades, and I am not talking about Israel/Palestine/Jordan/Lebanon/Egypt.  I am talking much, much bigger players and bigger numbers: Iran/Iraq/Afghanistan/Syria, of which Serbia/Kosovo is an extension.

The reality on the ground in terms of weapons supply chain is:

Russia>>Iran>>Syria>>Hezballah, Iran>>Hamas/Fatah.

Now there is the new factor of the “Islamic State,” which is turning the ideals of Shari’a law on its head by doing things that are theoretically permitted but never done, at least not since the 7th century, specifically, capturing, using, and selling sex slaves from “enemy/infidel tribes,” specifically the Yazidis.

I’ll explain the Yazidi situation in another post, since I don’t want to get too much farther off track here.

The point I want to make is that in getting rid of Israel, Iran will happily take out millions of Muslims, not only in the West Bank and Gaza, but also in Egypt, Lebanon, and, of course, whatever’s left of Syria.

We Hebrews have our own beliefs about this process of extermination of our own people, which has been going on for thousands of years.

But for the Jewish mind, there is no way to understand a people who are willing to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of their own brothers and sisters all over the world, just to get rid of everybody else. 


Life in Limbo

palm sunday

For those of you who celebrate, it’s Palm Sunday this week. Hard to believe it’s almost Easter. Where has this month gone? I know that Easter is early this year, but WOW!

I saw my pdoc yesterday and got bumped to 1.5 of Rexulti. That’s up from 1.0. A couple of good things are happening on this new drug: one is a lack of depression and the other is weight loss. I lost three pounds last week and I’m not starving all of the time.  I’m not having any negative side effects that I know of. It seems like a pretty decent drug. But there’s always a caveat with these drugs: sometimes they only work for a few months. Anyway, that has been my experience with various forms of meds.

So while I’m not looking for Rexulti to solve all of my problems permanently, it is a nice respite to not feel depressed. I think I actually feel quite normal, although I think I tend to get teary at any slight little thing. I almost cried in a restaurant yesterday because my friend was having such a hard time. And I know I would collapse into tears in my therapist’s office when we got to talking. I am just emotional.

My daughter (who is a teacher, if you are a new reader) is on spring break this week and I have spent a lot of time with her. We started in on Saturday by doing yoga together. I think my spine is permanently in a twist. On Sunday, my husband and I went to church and then we were all supposed to pick out a new quilt for our bed. This doesn’t seem very hard, but we actually could not find anything. My daughter said everything looked too “old” and my husband said everything looked too “flowery”. They finally told me to just pick one. I’m still working on it. I know I’m not going to win this battle.

Monday was a big day. We went to get manicure/pedicures and then headed out to breakfast. (I had a mushroom omelet and only ate half of it, thanks to the Rexulti.) After that we headed to our favorite mall. I got some crop pants and a sweater and she basically got nothing. Which is an Easter miracle, as she is a dedicated shopper. We looked around for Easter candy for my husband’s basket, but were uninspired.

On Monday, I made it to my women’s church group meeting. I actually drove there (with my husband in the car) and then had one of the other women drive me home. I NEED to keep driving.

Yesterday was sort of a lost day. We didn’t do too much of anything together. But I did make arrangements for a massage therapist to come over and give my daughter a massage. She loved that, of course.

Today we are going on a real adventure. There is a campsite about an hour away with a little ankle deep stream. We’re going to take a picnic and go hang out around there for a while. It should be fun.

I thought about going back to my old bipolar support group yesterday. I’m not sure why, I guess I just missed the people, especially the leader. But I originally stopped going because it was too depressing and I wondered if it wouldn’t really seem depressing now that I felt better. So I didn’t go. Maybe I will think about it for next week.

No movement on the quilt. I still need the extra fabric. Am planning on doing that on Thursday (tomorrow).

No movement on the book. Have lost heart there.

Tomorrow (St. Patrick’s Day), we are going out for happy hour and then over to the comedy club. We don’t drink much at happy hours, but we like the cheap food. I’ll be curious to see how the Rexulti affects happy hours. I also see my therapist tomorrow.

My therapist and I are working some issues, some of which are parent-related. I thought I had done all of this work years ago with another therapist, but I think I needed a refresher since my mom died. I just like this therapist a lot…she seems to GET me, which is very soothing. I don’t have to explain every tiny detail to her.

Well, I am off to get some tomato basil soup in the slow cooker. Had to get this blog up and the soup in before our big picnic today.

Final verdict: am feeling good but not ecstatic. Have too much car anxiety.

See you all next week-

lily

 

 

 

 

Life in Limbo

palm sunday

For those of you who celebrate, it’s Palm Sunday this week. Hard to believe it’s almost Easter. Where has this month gone? I know that Easter is early this year, but WOW!

I saw my pdoc yesterday and got bumped to 1.5 of Rexulti. That’s up from 1.0. A couple of good things are happening on this new drug: one is a lack of depression and the other is weight loss. I lost three pounds last week and I’m not starving all of the time.  I’m not having any negative side effects that I know of. It seems like a pretty decent drug. But there’s always a caveat with these drugs: sometimes they only work for a few months. Anyway, that has been my experience with various forms of meds.

So while I’m not looking for Rexulti to solve all of my problems permanently, it is a nice respite to not feel depressed. I think I actually feel quite normal, although I think I tend to get teary at any slight little thing. I almost cried in a restaurant yesterday because my friend was having such a hard time. And I know I would collapse into tears in my therapist’s office when we got to talking. I am just emotional.

My daughter (who is a teacher, if you are a new reader) is on spring break this week and I have spent a lot of time with her. We started in on Saturday by doing yoga together. I think my spine is permanently in a twist. On Sunday, my husband and I went to church and then we were all supposed to pick out a new quilt for our bed. This doesn’t seem very hard, but we actually could not find anything. My daughter said everything looked too “old” and my husband said everything looked too “flowery”. They finally told me to just pick one. I’m still working on it. I know I’m not going to win this battle.

Monday was a big day. We went to get manicure/pedicures and then headed out to breakfast. (I had a mushroom omelet and only ate half of it, thanks to the Rexulti.) After that we headed to our favorite mall. I got some crop pants and a sweater and she basically got nothing. Which is an Easter miracle, as she is a dedicated shopper. We looked around for Easter candy for my husband’s basket, but were uninspired.

On Monday, I made it to my women’s church group meeting. I actually drove there (with my husband in the car) and then had one of the other women drive me home. I NEED to keep driving.

Yesterday was sort of a lost day. We didn’t do too much of anything together. But I did make arrangements for a massage therapist to come over and give my daughter a massage. She loved that, of course.

Today we are going on a real adventure. There is a campsite about an hour away with a little ankle deep stream. We’re going to take a picnic and go hang out around there for a while. It should be fun.

I thought about going back to my old bipolar support group yesterday. I’m not sure why, I guess I just missed the people, especially the leader. But I originally stopped going because it was too depressing and I wondered if it wouldn’t really seem depressing now that I felt better. So I didn’t go. Maybe I will think about it for next week.

No movement on the quilt. I still need the extra fabric. Am planning on doing that on Thursday (tomorrow).

No movement on the book. Have lost heart there.

Tomorrow (St. Patrick’s Day), we are going out for happy hour and then over to the comedy club. We don’t drink much at happy hours, but we like the cheap food. I’ll be curious to see how the Rexulti affects happy hours. I also see my therapist tomorrow.

My therapist and I are working some issues, some of which are parent-related. I thought I had done all of this work years ago with another therapist, but I think I needed a refresher since my mom died. I just like this therapist a lot…she seems to GET me, which is very soothing. I don’t have to explain every tiny detail to her.

Well, I am off to get some tomato basil soup in the slow cooker. Had to get this blog up and the soup in before our big picnic today.

Final verdict: am feeling good but not ecstatic. Have too much car anxiety.

See you all next week-

lily

 

 

 

 

A Storm Not Related To My Mood

We had a hella storm last night. Thunder, lightning, torrential rain, golf ball sized hail. Living in a “mobile home” (which always makes me think of an RV and that’s why I call our place a trailer cos this bitch ain’t moved an inch in 7 years) during tornado season is just part and parcel. My immediate concerns were, are the stray cats safe under something and 2, OMG MY ELECTRONICS COULD BE FRIED, MUST PROTECT COMPUTERS…. Well, sue me, my kid and I were safely indoors and not on a surge protector that was bought at the dollar store.

I was keeping calm, wary, looking at Weather Bug. Aware, but not spazzing.

Then came the town’s emergency storm siren and a tornado warning cos one touched down 5 miles outside of town. Trying to remain calm so my kid would see mommy calm and not get too spazzed herself, I went back to the weather report. “Take shelter immediately, especially if you live in a mobile home.”

Hmm…Golf ball hail, rain so thick you can’t see to drive, and a tornado that could reach town quicker than I can drive to my mom’s basement.

So I went back into awareness mode. Check the weather. What direction and how fast is the tornado coming? I kept checking every couple of minutes. (I mean, as long as I have power and wifi, I don’t really sweat this tornado stuff. Beats going to a crowded mall on the panic scale.)

I told my kid exactly what we’d do if it go close, prepped us with a stash of blankets and a cell phone nearby. I was being calm and responsible.

THEN my idget mother had to call my cell and she was all freaking out, the sirens were still going off, and it was on speaker cos I can’t hear on that junk ass phone any other way…So my mom is freaking, screeching, nearly bawling about “get to our basement, you protect that baby!” And this of course sent my kid into a meltdown.

Ugh…Was I unnerved by it all? Yeah. But that was background noise to be ignored. It was my mom that set me off because she set my kid off. I am the ADULT. Other than basic preparedness which they teach at school, it’s my job to protect my kid and put on the brave face so she knows someone is calm and in control and will take care of her.

Instead my mom just made it a hundred times worse, passing her panic onto my daughter, which after an hour of her being so upset ended up with me taking a Xanax and wishing for a stiff drink and a muzzle for my mom.

I let the kid sleep in my bed, both cos she was scared and cos I was being wary and prepared. I stayed awake til  11 p.m. after the warning ended. Weather had calmed. Cars were driving by. Figured, if I have to go to the shop and even minutely deal with R and the petri dish I’d better get some rest. Up and down, toss and turn. I eventually took a melatonin, at which point my kid woke up (midnight) and decided it was chatty kathy play time.

I did not sleep well. It took forever for the melatonin to kick in. My mind just raced with how angry I was at my mother for her “good intentions” causing everything to be worse.

That was when it hit me. If my mom, nearing 70 years old, still panics like a child over storms…Is it any wonder I have an anxiety disorder? I don’t remember a whole lot before age 10 when she truly put me in the middle of her anxieties, but I wonder…what the hell did the woman do when I small? “OMG, Bob Barker’s not hosting The Price Is Right this week, panic, the world is gonna end!”

Laugh but I am serious. I seem to handle emergent situations so calmly yet the small stuff others don’t sweat (like malls, concerts, traffic) send me over the edge. It occurs to me I was doomed in the womb. If genetically predisposed to anxiety and then witnessing it every day and having it transferred onto me at such a young age mean much…I was indeed doomed.

Well, now your mom programmed you, what are you gonna do about it?

I am going to try like hell not to stunt my own child that way, then I am gonna take a fuckin’ Xanax, endure another day in ADD hell, and go to fuckin’ Disneyland.

Really, I have internet, I can take a virtual tour…

Screw it, I’d rather spend time with the Twisty the Clown from American Horror Story Freakshow than Disney characters. Clowns are creepy but if I had to face off with Elsa after two years of Frozen Fever…Bitch be wishing she’d get swept up by a tornado.

Barbwire mace in her face…


The Genetics of Depression

I sit down to write this with a heavy heart.  My beautiful almost 22 year old son is suffering with a major depressive disorder and has spent the last month in a psychiatric ward.  Watching him, I can only hold … Continue reading