Mixed Bag

mixed bag

I thought I’d send you guys my typical middle of the week blog, even though I wrote on Sunday.

The good news is: I AM NOT DEPRESSED. I am not dancing around admiring flowers, or singing with my Easter music box, but I am even. I think I told you in the last blog I wasn’t depressed and it is holding. I am still on 1.0 on the Rexulti. I see the doctor next Tuesday. Am not sure if he will raise it or not.

The real problem is anxiety. I feel a minor amount in the mornings, but serious anxiety riding in or driving a car. Once I get to where I am going, I do well, but the getting there is hell. I actually had to turn around this week and go back home.

Last blog I talked about dipping my feet into the social waters. Well, I have made some inroads. I drove to a restaurant and had breakfast with a friend. I am planning on a movie today with another friend (she is driving). I talked to a friend out of town and we agreed on a week in June when I can go see her. I texted another couple of people and we have plans in the next week or two. I am catching up with everybody. It feels good.

I have a friend whose daughter (26) had a psychotic break. They got her in the same hospital I was in. She is going through all of the stages I went through…not sleeping, desperately wanting to go home, etc. There is a rumor that goes around the hospital that your private insurance will not pay if you leave against medical advice. I don’t know if that’s true, but it made my husband and I sure think about it. The hospital is not cheap.

This friend is one of those friends who stood by me through thick and thin many times. I am very sorry her daughter is sick, but it feels nice to be able to give her some support.

I am still baking bread and cleaning the kitchen and cooking a couple times a week. The kids and my husband are doing the other days. It’s amazing how the kids are getting into cooking. We’ve had a good meal on the table every night. We are mostly even accommodating my vegetarian son. Last night I made pasta with fresh broccoli, mushrooms, green onions, and stewed tomatoes. Everybody ate it with no complaints.

I was messing around with the blog the other day and was reading some old stuff. This is NOT to brag, but some of it is pretty interesting. We’ve had some new joiners to the blog so I wanted to encourage you to go back and do some reading. If you do and see something you like, please let me know in the comments. I’ll link it in the next blog for some extra reading.

Here’s a little day to day activity:

Tuesday:

Woke up with a bad migraine. Tried Imitrex, massage, heat, caffeine, etc. Fell back asleep, woke up and it was bad again. It felt like a med headache. Rexulti does have headache as a side effect, but am not sure that caused it.

Found out that my best friend from high school’s sister’s husband was killed while riding a bike. The driver was impaired. I am sympathetic, but the bike riders around here drive me nuts. There are plenty of bike lanes, but they still insist on riding in the street. You have to swerve around them and usually get in the next lane. Except sometimes that lane isn’t open.  However, this driver was impaired so no sympathy there. But especially at night it’s so hard to see them.

Saw my psychologist both Tuesday and Friday. Am working some stuff out. As I said in my last blog, it’s weird to see her when I am not depressed. It is a whole new relationship. She commented on how much better I look. She is one of those people who are thin and always dressed perfectly and in fashion. It’s a little intimidating, but she really gets me and has a sympathetic attitude. I appreciate that. Lots of people tell me to be thankful for this or that. I am thankful for things…I really am. But this doesn’t mean that I am not depressed often. Depression doesn’t have anything to do with being thankful or ungrateful. IT IS A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE IN THE BRAIN! You think people would get that by now.

Back to Tuesday, my son made homemade macaroni and cheese and he even went out and bought a sympathy card so I could send it to the above friend.

After that migraine, I had what I call “fragile egg-head syndrome”. This is where you don’t want to hear noise, smell perfume, or move your head around too fast.

I got down on the couch and tried running my life from there again. It was okay for a day.

It IS weird to feel no depression, but I do feel frustration. This driving thing is bizarre and a pain in the ass.

Still no movement on the quilt or on the book. I need more fabric for the quilt and I haven’t gotten it. The store is on the way home from the psychologist and I often have puffy eyes from crying in there. Of course, I could always go BEFORE I see her. Duh.

I am seeing an author friend in a couple of weeks. She is very supportive and I hope she gets me going again. She is the one who wrote the bipolar book that I hope to read and recommend to you guys very soon.

I feel more “needed” in my life. This is a step up from how I felt in my last blog. Good news.

Wanted to take a minute to thank all of you who are making comments. I read a lot of blogs and try to make a short comment but so many of you write eloquent things and share what is going on in your lives. I know it takes time to comment and I so appreciate it. I also appreciate those of you who take a second to “like” the blog. All of this is very motivating and I am grateful.

thankfully,

lily

 

 

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