Daily Archives: March 9, 2016

A Bad Case Of The Dammits

I’ve started writing this blog post about fifty-eleven times. I am so agitated that I abruptly close Word, dammit!  YES I want to write, NO I do NOT!  I have a craving for the creative – but none of my available outlets are satisfying to me.  Dammit!  I bought a tie-dye kit, but the t-shirts I ordered from Amazon won’t be here until next week.  Dammit!  I want to do it NOW!  I’m thinking about going to Target and buying some men’s v-neck tees so that I can do some now.  I like those v-necks.  But what size am I now?  Dammit!  I don’t know.  Better go XL.  But if they’re too big?  My boobs won’t look good.  Dammit!  Do ya see a little glimmer of the agitation I’m feeling?  Oh yeah and I have therapy today.  Dammit!  I don’t want to go to therapy.  I don’t want to talk about feeling agitated, scared, and out of sorts.  I don’t want to BE these things, Dammit!  Maybe I just need to get out and get some exercise.  Which is yet another thing I don’t want to do.  Dammit!  I wish I could just go back to bed, dammit.  Is there a pill for the Dammits?


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar is sour, Bipolar is sweet, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

I’d like to cancel my subscription to Splatify, please

Yesterday I was swimming in hypomania. Like, watching nothing but funny collegehumor videos on youtube cos everything is great and hysterical hypo. To my credit I did go to a thrift store and NOT buy a single thing, which is rare even when stable but when manic? Frigging miracle. Of course, some strange lady came up to me and asked if I knew where the used baby clothes store in town  was located.

Which started the whole “Did she just ask me that cos we’re both in a thrift store or does she think I am so fat I must be pregnant?”

Meh.Thing with hypo, it nags you a little but it floats away pretty quickly. In contrast to depression where such an asinine occurrence can haunt you for days and chisel away at your fragile self esteem until you become convinced you should ban all your clothes and just buy a circus tent and some safety pins because you REALLY ARE THE SIZE OF A COMBINE.

Oh, depression, you make me giggle. NOT.

I think all bipolars can agree. Mania feel good. It’s like ten orgasms on a roller coaster while dosed on laughing gas and ecstasy.

I think we can all also agree when the mania, long term or brief hypo, ends…The following SPLAT sucks swedish meatballs marinated in ricin and cat piss.

How I want to cancel my subscription to this bipolar byproduct called Splatify. But it’s  a lot like trying to cancel those freebie AOL discs in the 90’s…HA HA HA HA HA YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE EVER EVER YOU WILL DIE AND WE WILL STILL CHARGE YOU BECAUSE WE OWN YOUR SOUL, YOUR PCS SOUL, AND THE SOULS OF ALL OFFSPRING AND…

No, I’m not really manic again, just got a day and a half dose of Lithium on board so I am in that mixed place where I wanna smack people with shovels yet don’t have the energy to actually do it so I just prattle and swear like I’ve been sniffing sea monkeys and rubber cement.

What is so galling about all this is, it never should have happened. Between the doctor and pharmacy, I should never ever have been placed in a position where I didn’t have enough pills to run on should their stock run out. I have to start all over because all these professionals don’t realize what living hell all this is. And while yeah, I ran short on my meds cos I was broke, I also made sure I at least split the remainder up and had 300mg Lithium per day until I got money. Only for them to not have the stock to fill the script. So even when I fuck up I am trying to do it, well, intelligently (intelligent fuck up? Oxymoron?). I feel like they all failed me and it’s such a disappointment, even if nothing new. And if I complain all I will be told is to go talk to a counselor because yeah, counseling totally fills out that script and has the pharmacy fill it.

If we are to take responsibility for our dysfunctional thoughts and personalities, then it’s about damned time the professionals take their share, too. If you want to be conservative with the refills on shit like Xanax to avoid addicts and people who sell them or whatever, fine. But no bipolar patient should ever find themselves limited to the extent they are left without a net for days.

Yeah, yeah, harp on it some more, Morgue. At this point, I am acting on the assumption most of my tribe has abandoned me and no one is reading this aside from a couple of truly devoted individuals so I will rant and harp all the fuck I want.

What I learned last night is that nothing I do matters at all. Ever.

See, I was hypo and laughing and feeling okay, maybe I can deal with some company. So R comes over and he’s all sad sacky and quiet (normally he can’t shut up about broken stuff) and I asked a couple of times what was up in the event he needed to vent or ya know, do that socially polite thing which he never does for me. Ya know, give a damn or pretend to. Like true man form, he said he was okay.

Which was why I was so flabbergasted when he went to leave, after reiterating numerous times that I was acting batshit (he was warned about the mania for the last five days, used to love manic me) but last night he was tired and sore from working and apparently, I was annoying. As he sulked out, he said, “Hope you feel better soon.”

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT????

If I had felt any better (thank you mania) I’d have been humping my refrigerator while singing “I’m too sexy”. So I spend a year in a  barely functional grump ass depression which he ignores yet I have a few days of mouthy laughing fun and “feel better soon”????

These bitches be crazier than me. Besides, he wasn’t tied to a chair, he could have left at any time if my mania was that irksome. Instead he waits until he’s got a few beers in him then he acts like a fucking (word that rhymes with runt). Sorry, truth is obscene and hurtful. It was uncalled for, especially after all my warnings and talking about my frustration over the situation  with me meds. It’s like he wanted to piss me off or hurt me, whatever he could manage to do to let me know how insignificant I still am in his world. Like so many times way back when. Because mental illness isn’t real and Iam just doing all this for shits and giggles.

How long do I have to chap my lips kissing this man’s ass to atone for my past bipolar sins that hurt him?How long is iT reasonable for McMUggles to hold this shit against us? And now with this car deal my dad got me into I am beholden to emotional battering (and yeah, no drama, that is how it feels to be disrespected for simply having a mood disorder.) for fuck knows how long.

I sent him a text to let him know his behavior was very unsupportive. He never replied.

So I deal with his functioning alcoholism and narcissism because it’s just who he is.

I have a mental imbalance and he can shun me when it becomes irritating or troublesome.

Fuck a fancy bag, those fuckers are assclowns.

Then he had to offend me further because my old laptop, Ass Trash, that went blue screen of death and my nephew revived it…Well it’s gone dead. I mean, no signs of life.  I have two different power supplies, they work. The charging port was never right and I told R numerous times and he kept telling me to get a new cord and ignoring me. As usual. Now the battery has drained to zilch and it’s one of those computers that won’t even power on and charge unless it has a little battery juice left. Now to get it running I have to spring for a battery and still that port is gonna be broken. Yet this jackass is telling me I am wrong even after I researched it, tested all my outlets, both cords, and of course….I am wrong.

I am too stupid to know this so next time he has some customer computer issue I am gonna be too stupid to work on that, too.

Furthermore, I think if I hear from him I am just gonna text back “still not feeling well” for the next six months.

Oh, that car deal with be wielded like a sword, no doubt. At this point I want to go set it on fucking fire just to get out from under this debt. I’d rather owe some knee breaker from Chicago called Rocco than be indebted to these fucks who act like this bipolar thing is some scam.

Just fucking disgusted.

Ya know, it was one thing when in marriages/ relationships and the “in sickness and health” thing was pissed on. Marriages and shit don’t work out, fine.

But to get this sort of thing from people who call themselves your friends…

It hurts. Yes, it is even hurtful to people like me with cold dead blackened hearts.

Because of all the things I can to improve myself…I can’t become not bipolar.

And I think being hurt and angry are perfectly justified emotions and NOT part of any personality or mood disorder.


Prioritizing and Cultivating Friendships

In the last two weeks, I've consciously made a decision to reach out to friends I haven't been much in touch with. The results have been quite productive.

I have two classifications of friends: those I know from school or work and then those that I met in the hospital or outpatient therapy (IOP). I appreciate both. But I feel a certain connection to my friends dealing with mental health issues. Unfortunately, we don't speak much.

However, in the last two weeks I either text or called thirteen people. I've heard back from all but three. It was just a check-in text or call. But about half have resulted in plans to hang out. I'm happy. I'm a very sociable person.

One of my IOP friends expressed an interest in having a closer and more consistent relationship. I'd like that. It's nice to be around people who understand your mental health struggles and successes.

Hopefully I can maintain my friendships better. I like having friends :-)

Prioritizing and Cultivating Friendships

In the last two weeks, I've consciously made a decision to reach out to friends I haven't been much in touch with. The results have been quite productive.

I have two classifications of friends: those I know from school or work and then those that I met in the hospital or outpatient therapy (IOP). I appreciate both. But I feel a certain connection to my friends dealing with mental health issues. Unfortunately, we don't speak much.

However, in the last two weeks I either text or called thirteen people. I've heard back from all but three. It was just a check-in text or call. But about half have resulted in plans to hang out. I'm happy. I'm a very sociable person.

One of my IOP friends expressed an interest in having a closer and more consistent relationship. I'd like that. It's nice to be around people who understand your mental health struggles and successes.

Hopefully I can maintain my friendships better. I like having friends :-)

Prioritizing and Cultivating Friendships

In the last two weeks, I've consciously made a decision to reach out to friends I haven't been much in touch with. The results have been quite productive.

I have two classifications of friends: those I know from school or work and then those that I met in the hospital or outpatient therapy (IOP). I appreciate both. But I feel a certain connection to my friends dealing with mental health issues. Unfortunately, we don't speak much.

However, in the last two weeks I either text or called thirteen people. I've heard back from all but three. It was just a check-in text or call. But about half have resulted in plans to hang out. I'm happy. I'm a very sociable person.

One of my IOP friends expressed an interest in having a closer and more consistent relationship. I'd like that. It's nice to be around people who understand your mental health struggles and successes.

Hopefully I can maintain my friendships better. I like having friends :-)

Prioritizing and Cultivating Friendships

In the last two weeks, I've consciously made a decision to reach out to friends I haven't been much in touch with. The results have been quite productive.

I have two classifications of friends: those I know from school or work and then those that I met in the hospital or outpatient therapy (IOP). I appreciate both. But I feel a certain connection to my friends dealing with mental health issues. Unfortunately, we don't speak much.

However, in the last two weeks I either text or called thirteen people. I've heard back from all but three. It was just a check-in text or call. But about half have resulted in plans to hang out. I'm happy. I'm a very sociable person.

One of my IOP friends expressed an interest in having a closer and more consistent relationship. I'd like that. It's nice to be around people who understand your mental health struggles and successes.

Hopefully I can maintain my friendships better. I like having friends :-)

Happy Blogday to Me!

Today is my blog’s 2nd birthday.  I wish I had something insightful to say at this point, but instead I’m just going to talk a little about how I feel.  February was a little rocky, as always happens in February, and as a result Brent didn’t think I needed medication changes but instead to just […]

I Forgot

To write yesterday.  So sorry.  I was tied up going to the doctor most of the day. I went to the dentist first for a cleaning, then went to my ob-gyn for that checkup. Went and voted in the primary for the Republican candidates for House and for president. Then came home and did laundry.  So I had a full day yesterday.

WEnt out to eat last night at Amerigo’s, a local chain of Italian places.  A new one had just opened up near us, so we checked it out. It was fine–I had the veal piccata with lump crabmeat and noodles, and Bob had three-cheese tortellini.  We split a brownie with ice cream afterwards.  So good.

All I have planned for today is going to gym class. I’ve missed the last three times because of the kids being sick. Then me going to the hospital then me gong to the doctor last week.  I almost don’t felt like going today.  But I will, I think.

 


After Attending Cruz Rally as a Mental Health Advocate will I vote for him?

cruzI drove over two hours to attend Cruz’s rally. The picture of where it was going to be was a small church so I figured I would be able to ask him a question. I had written it up and thank goodness I had. There were so many people there that they did not let everyone in even though they had gotten tickets on eventbrite.com

I was one of the lucky ones to get in.  I enjoyed the interview he had with Meghan Kelly and liked what he had to say. However, he still does not have my vote. I am still an undecided voter.

This might change, but as of right now, something needs to happen before I would vote for him.  That is for him to talk about the mental health crisis and how he will SOLVE it.

I have written several blogs that I have included at the bottom of this blog explaining  why I think that is so important to thousands of American who are mental health advocates that the candidates talk about this serious issue that affects all Americans.

When I go to vote at the primary on the 15th, if I have not heard any candidate explain what they would do to SOLVE the problem, I will consider that they discriminated against me and have added to the stigma that the mentally ill have to face every day.

Numerous emails, twitter tags, letters, FB messages and even phone calls have been made to the media and the candidates by not only me, but other advocates I know.  We are asking that they talk about the mental health crisis an we don’t even get a response.

I was interviewed by a news channel and a newspaper at the rally and learned this morning that neither story was used.

Until the candidates, politicians, and the media start talking about mental health we will keep seeing overcrowded jails and tragedies.  They all need to talk about what the mentally ill face.  Once they do, I have made up some suggestions of what they can do in my article: Candidates-Do you care about the 25% of Americans who have a mental Illness? PROVE IT!

  • not knowing what symptoms to look for because the public is not educated
  • embarrassment  to get help
  • not knowing where to get help
  • can’t get help when they nee it
  • being jailed instead of hospitalized
  • the revolving doors because they can’t get outpatient care
  • mistreatment by staff members in hospitals
  • being ignored when they try to reach out to supervisors or patient relations after mistreatment
  • being ignored after they plead the people who represent them in Congress to do something to help them and others- They get no response from emails, snail mail, phone calls, and social media
  • being ignored by the media when they offer to tell their story and they want nothing to do with it and very rarely even talk about the mentally ill at all, especially patients who are dying due to mistreatment at hospitals and jails
  • insurance companies  deciding that they can’t get meds that have worked for a long time
  • not being able to afford medications
  • Discrimination and Stigma- If you don’t think we are discriminated against, then read I have a Dream Re: Mental Illness

 

So, I could have been close enough to take a great picture of the next president. I  just hope that he gives me a reason for me to help him.  If he did not read my letter, then he does not deserve to be president because every vote should matter and this nation should be lead “for the by the people.” If he can’t get someone in his campaign to respond to my letter after multiple emails and a hand delivered letter, then I don’t think he qualifies for the job and it has nothing to do with the fact he was born in Canada.

If he did read my letter and chooses to do nothing, he is discriminating against the mentally ill and should not qualify for president any more than a candidate who discriminates for the color of their skin or faith.  I have a dream Re: Mental Health

After spending over 25 years advocating for the mentally ill.  I am so frustrated with Washington. The large majority of them do not try and solve the problem and barely even talk about the mental health crisis.

So, who has my vote so far in this election? Mickey Mouse  That is not because I am crazy as many people think the mentally ill are.  It is because I as of right now there is no candidate who is willing to talk about the issue of how to SOLVE the mental health crisis.

I don’t want to vote for Mickey so I sure do hope that the candidates start talking about this issue.  Out of the realistic candidates left, I would like to vote for Cruz. However,I can’t do it if he does not let me as a mental health advocate help the mentally ill and those who are affected by it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Trump vs Clinton: Who will have the vote of the mentally ill?

what they thinkFirst of all, I am an independent voter and my state has not yet voted in the primaries. I have no idea who I will vote for, but as of right now, I don’t plan to vote on either one. If these are my choices in the general election I will be writing in Mickey Mouse.  However, if I am stuck with those two and decide to actually vote, the person who would have my vote is the one who talks about how they are going to solve the mental health crisis in America.

Second, I don’t want this article to be all about politics. I want it to be about an issue that affects every American. If you are mentally ill or know someone who has a mental illness you are affected. If you were  at the scene of a tragedy where someone with a mental illness killed numerous people, you are affected. If you listen to the news, you are in fear of being somewhere where someone who is mentally ill attacks them.

Third, One in four Americans have a mental illness including very successful people who offer a lot to society.  Only 1% of the mentally ill commit violent crimes. Many times the mentally ill hide that they have a mental illness because of the stigma. They also fear being discriminated against.

Fourth, the media needs to educate people about the various illnesses and what signs to look for. They need to let people know that it is okay to get help and where to get it.  They need to stop contributing to the stigma by treating this subject like the plague.  After a tragedy, would be a great time to do this. However, instead, they talk about gun control and interview the people who knew the person who killed the people not taking advantage of this time to discuss all the things I just mentioned.

Fifth, to the candidates- You need to convince the people who have mental illnesses, mental health advocates, and the average American how you are going to SOLVE the mental health crisis. You need to stop dodging the very few questions that are asked of you and bring it up in your speeches.  We all want to know what your thoughts are on the subject.  This issue is just as important as national security,balancing the budget, the environment, gun control, education, etc.  However, it is not talked about enough for the voter to make up their minds who to vote for if the main issue they are concerned about is mental health/illness.

Sixth- If you are going to get the votes of the mental health advocates and come up with a good plan to solve it, read Candidates-Do you care about the mentally ill? PROVE IT! where I give you a lot of suggestions and people you should talk to about this issue that means so much to so many people.

Seventh and Final: This problem is not going away. Trump- You can’t build a wall around the mentally ill and you can’t send them to another country. We are here to say and are going to vote. Hillary- I separate you from your husband, but I want you to thank him for sending me a  signed letter that he wrote after he was in office thanking me for his efforts. That meant so much to me!

If you are going to vote in an upcoming primary or in the general election, ask your candidates  “HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SOLVE THE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS IN AMERICA?”  If you are in the media, I plead with you to get them to talk about it.