Daily Archives: March 6, 2016

Ugh!! It never ends

I told my husband a couple of days ago that nothing will ever happen to our kids. At least not while they are young. He kind of looked at me like I am crazy and said you can’t know that. I know all of that. But I also know that if something major happened to one of my kids I would need to be in a nut house. I known know. Why would you talk about such a serious topic so flippantly? Well I use humor. Laughing is contagious and proven to be good for both your health and the longevity of your life. And laughing is so much better than crying. People don’t like the world crazy, I’m ok with it!! I mean off my meds I feel crazy so what is so wrong with that description. It isn’t the word that is bad it others perception of the word. When I use it freely in reference to myself it helps people laugh with me and be a little more open to hearing about my experiences. Most of the people around me know about my illness and they know that I a on meds. And it’s ok if they make a joke or ask a question. As long as you remember to be respectful I will pretty much answer or talk about anything. But like most people I have my hot buttons and I am quick to defend those who need it including myself. 

My grandsons came back from their dads today. First words out of their mouth was that their dad and his girlfriend got in a fight. I don’t know who said what but my daughter ended up finding out that he had his girlfriend in a choke hold this morning. My heart is broken. This is not the first issue there has been and at this point she pretty much feels like she has to keep the boys away from their dad and it breaks her heart for her kids. It breaks my heart for her. She shouldn’t have to be making this decision. Her ex isn’t someone she ever really hated but he has completely changed since their divorce and not for the better. I pray all these issues won’t bring me down and I am trusting my meds to do their job so that I can be here for her and the boys. 

I am enjoying watching myself go through these things and see what happens. New and different reactions is amazing to watch even when it’s you who is doing it. You have to have the right diagnosis and then you need the right treatment plan and the meds that will help your specific diagnosis. Some of the meds only work in certain things in addition to it being different for every person. 

I’m gonna run just a few thoughts cause my head seems to be full lately. Be blessed!!


First Ap Ever Invented- Splatify

It’s true. To hell with Spotify and all the ap madness. Bipolar has a built in ap called Splatify that you use whether you like it or not.

And so that is where all this “high functionality” has landed me today.

I basically slept from midnight til 12:30 p.m. I was up a few times, feed the cats, go pee, yell at the cats for knocking shit over and waking me up with panic cos I thought someone was in the house oiling a chainsaw in prep to kill me…(Okay, creative license there, but you get it.) For the most part all this functionality and socializing rendered me exhausted enough to sleep without melatonin. I think briefly I may have just died and I don’t remember even wanting to return. That’s TIRED.

The birthday party…Ugh. My kid had a blast. I got there before R and his wife and knew no one aside from the kids and birthday girl’s parents. My kid of course abandoned me to go play (fair enough) so I stood around feeling utterly uncomfortable and smiling in a possibly demented clown fashion. Three people is a crowd to me. There were at least parents there, no including all the kids.

I figure, okay, these people are most in their late twenties so of course they don’t know what to say to me. I figure, okay, let me put myself out on a limb here. Cos, after all, life lies and says to just be yourself and people will like you. If you TRY then you will be included.

Such fucking bullshit.

This one friend of Ursulas was one of the few people I vaguely “knew” from years of cookouts with R and his wife. She was talking about dyeing her hair and I think, oh, I can get in this conversation what with my love for Splat and Manic Panic. So I ask what color she is going with. She completely ignores me. Another person asks and she whips out the phone and looks it up.  And shows the picture to every BUT me. I mean, I may as well have been invisible she went so far out of her way to exclude me. And i’ve never done a damn thing to this person.

THAT is why I talk about how shitty people are. I goddamn tried to put myself out there and totally got snubbed if not disrespected. It’s bullshit, especially when battling your own reluctant mood and rioting anxiety. Is it any wonder I prefer being alone?

Aside from R and his wife when they finally got there…I didn’t have anyone to talk to. They all either forced fake smiles and bypassed me like I had leprosy or just plain ignored me. I took a lot of panic breaks. Yes, panic breaks. I can only take crowds so much. I also needed a smoke. And I finally got to see my new prized car that doesn’t run. And wow, it’s such a bright red, it has earned the name Jezebel. It’s got some issues (I took a pic but am far too splat to bother transferring it here) but hey, for two hundred bucks and some labor that R and his son and law are fairly sure they can diagnose and fix…What the hell. It’s pretty much a done deal and mom’s on my ass about getting her car back so I am in that catch 22 place of “gun, knife, noose, I’m dead no matter what, at least choose the least painful method.”

My daughter was the one who broke the pinata open. And nearly took out the screen to their TV. (She’s my precious plum. Fuck a bag.) I just did a loose mental inventory of what they had to have spent on this shindig for forty plus people, all Disney brand name Elsa/Frozen theme, all the food and cake and shit…I bet, even rounding down, they spent over six hundred dollars. ON a two hour party. For a four year old. Then tell people no gifts, just donations to the homeless.

Hey, elitists..How about less lavish party stuff for a child who won’t remember it and YOU donate so people can give your kid presents???????

I know I am nightmare frugal, have issues with rich people and ostentation, and come off very judgey but REALLY? And I said the same damned thing about what my mom spent on my kid’s last birthday at Chuck E Cheese. If you have the excess income to throw such a shindig, then you can go donate, right????? Or put a price limit on the gifts and specify what donations are needed most with a price cap.

I try to wrap my head around it and I can’t. My kid is worth more money than the world has and all that but also…I don’t remember shit from my younger years so how much mom spent while we went hungry for the week just…UGH.

Yeah, yeah, it’s their money, I should mind my own business. But hey, when you live in a trailer park and have to listen to people talk about the low class uneducated scum that live in trailer parks, ha ha ha…You get an attitude. Just because people mean well and do right on the surface doesn’t make them good people.

I was glad to leave. Of course, I called mom about dropping Spook off and she said, “You need to bring her some food for snacks and supper and breakfast, we’re low on food and I don’t get a check for two weeks.”

Fine, nothing new there. Except the other day when I stopped by…my sister had a catalog out and was showing me all the shit she is gonna get on credit to decorate the house. I mean, really? You can’t keep enough money to buy enough food but you’re gonna go into debt for home decor cos who the fuck cares?

To add insult to injury…my sis’s friends were there with their 3 kids who were eating the food for mom and them…yet I have to bring my kid’s food. So family is shit and bums are it. How can I not loathe these people tied to me only by blood and some societal demand I claim them?

Now supper and drinks at the Mexican restaurant wasn’t so bad. Mrs R basically forced R to come along and he spent the entire time on his damn iphone playing POker and doing his rate a beer ap. RUDE and irritating. But at least we were in the far back in a booth and I didn’t have to deal with the mass crowd except for entrance and exit.

I was glad to get home. Yes, I am glad my kid had fun at the party. I had fun at dinner. But today I just feel like…I don’t know, like I donated every ounce of blood and can barely function. The house is biohazard level again and I don’t even have the energy to feel unfit mommy feelings. I am tapped out. Splat.

This is why I am always so torn between metering out my exposure to the dish and yet going with it when the energy, hypo mania or not, is there.

I am gonna go fetch my kid in a bit then…Fuck a bag. Beyond feeding her, bathing her, and making sure she has clean clothes for tomorrow…I’m not gonna sweat this other shit. I pushed myself, hard and far, and without all my meds balanced (fuck you pharmacy and doctor) so…

I am taking a mental health day. Ish.

This week I am gonna slow it down. Or I am gonna melt down, just like always.

Splatify, minus cool music. Welcome to bipolar 101.


Hope

easter cake

I thought this cake looks pretty darned good.

There is HOPE! My depression has lifted. Apparently, the Rexulti is working or something else is. It’s so weird to not be depressed. I’m not sure I can handle it.

My week has been interesting. I find myself at loose ends this morning, so I thought I would write to you all. After all of the depression, you deserve a few bright spots.

So on Wednesday, I had been on Rexulti 1.0 for three days. I woke up and felt different. The veil had lifted! I don’t know how to describe it but I just wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t high or anything but I felt capable of getting up and showering and going places. Definitely strange.

I felt a little shaky on Wednesday but I took a walk. I went and looked at my quilt borders and cut the material for them. This was progress although I didn’t have enough fabric. I plan on going this week and buying enough and getting that border on.

I’m still dealing with a lot of anxiety. Mostly when riding and driving in cars. My doctor has mentioned getting me off of Klonopin because he thinks it causes cognitive impairment. I have reduced down totally on Klonopin but feel the need for some to just make it in a car.

I made some bread in the bread maker  on Wednesday. The family goes crazy over this. My super skinny son takes two thick slices of this bread and makes a sandwich for lunch. That makes me happy.

On Thursday, I did a support call with a friend. We call each other and review the week. This is the gal I met at the church retreat. Later I did laundry and took a nap. I was still feeling wobbly but not depressed at all.

On Friday, I had a little morning anxiety. It’s like I wake up and am not sure what to do. Fortunately, my son leaves for work about 7:30, so I can get up and eat and have coffee with him. He is is 24 though, so I don’t want to smother him. He’s easy going so it seems okay. I had no depression on Friday. I felt a little overwhelmed from doing nothing to having a schedule. Still suffered riding and driving anxiety. But was brave enough to ride one half hour to drop things off for a church garage sale.

Saturday (yesterday) was my shining day. I got up early and went out to the garage sale to work at it. I was nervous on the drive out but did it. They really needed me at the sale. I was assigned to take and supervise the money. It was the first time I had felt important in a long time. I stayed from 7 to 11. That’s a long time for me to be up on my feet, but I did just fine.

We took two SUV’s of junk to the sale but came back with a few items. I found some darling snowman dishes and a beautiful lead crystal champagne bucket and four flutes. My philosophy on garage things is to find better things at sales and then get rid of the crummy ones I have at home. So my cheapo champagne glasses will be finding another home.

So I rode home from the garage sale fairly stressed, but hung in there. I then took my youngest son to the store to get four pair of jeans and some socks. My son and I also had a good talk. I keep trying to make inroads in with him. He said he gets overwhelmed with the sheer volume of college work. He said it’s not that hard, just there’s a lot of it. I hope he can hang in there…he is so close.

I came home from buying the pants and took two Klonopin and went to sleep.

Today (Sunday) I got up and decided not to go to church. This was a bit sad as I was all showered and ready to go. But I was just tired. I figured the garage sale work sort of substituted a little bit for church.

Today I have a very odd feeling. No depression but anxiety about the future. Should I make plans? Will I get depressed again and have to cancel? I have been gradually telling friends I feel better and am dipping my foot into social waters.

I feel guilt I am not busy today, but I think I need the mental rest.

Sad day today that Nancy Reagan is gone. Those were the days of people showing a little class and respect for the office. No discussion of the size of anyone’s “hands” in those days.

Bottom line I have hope today. Hope that the Rexulti will help me at least a little. Hope this depression will stay lifted. Hope that fences can be mended. (Lost dead fences from depression.)

Hey, I had another friend publish a book. This book is on bipolar. She just has the author’s copies…I guess she’ll be on Amazon in a couple of weeks. I’m  so excited to read this. If I feel it will work, I’ll pass it along to you. I love books on bipolar and depression….they give me such such support.

So keep your fingers crossed about the Rexulti. I can go to  3.0 if needed.

I saw my psychologist on Friday. It was the first time I had seen her when I was not depressed. It was like a new relationship.

Spring break around here is NEXT week, the week before Easter. I have some fun plans with my daughter.

Do you have hope for me? Can I stay stable for a while?

hugs,

lily

 

Is Bipolar Disorder an “Invisible Illness”?

Empty Chairs Laid Out For Meeting

Yes and no.

First, a little on the concept of invisible illnesses. These are the sorts of afflictions that are not apparent on first looking at a person – conditions such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, celiac and Crohn’s diseases, diabetes, epilepsy, lupus, Lyme disease, and many others.

Disabled-world.com says, “Many people living with a hidden physical disability or mental challenge are still able to be active in their hobbies, work and be active in sports. On the other hand, some struggle just to get through their day at work and some cannot work at all.”

Most mental disorders are invisible illnesses by that definition. There isn’t a sign around our necks that proclaims “Bipolar,” “Social Anxiety Disorder,” “PTSD,” “Depression,” or even “Schizophrenia.”  The word “Crazy” isn’t tattooed on our foreheads. Our mere appearance doesn’t give away our “secret.”

We have a lot of the same problems that people with other invisible illnesses have. Spoon theory, for example. For bipolar people, simply taking a shower requires so many spoons that we seldom go out. (I count myself among that number.) People who don’t know or understand Spoon Theory often don’t understand why we don’t accept their invitations or cancel at the last minute, or simply don’t show up. You lose a fair number of friends that way.

On the other hand, a mental disorder is not always invisible. People can see us burst into tears for no apparent reason, or go into the bathroom at a party and never come out. They can see our shaking hands, confused looks, and depressed expressions. They can hear our awkward attempts to socialize “appropriately.” They may not know what is wrong, but they can often tell something is.

When we realize this is happening, there are various strategies we try. We can leave the situation – entirely or partially (my go-to is to leave the room on the pretext of needing to make a cup of tea). We can try to brush it off or laugh it off (“Sorry. My nerves are bad today” or “I don’t know why I said that. Must be a brain-fart”). We can try the half-truth/half-joke (“Oops. Guess my meds just haven’t kicked in yet”). We can ignore whatever is happening and hope everyone else does too.

Or we can own it. “I have social anxiety disorder and need to be in a less crowded space than the mall.” “I won’t be able to go to the carnival with you because my PTSD is triggered by loud noises.” “I may come to your party if my bipolar disorder will let me.”

We can also address the subject when there isn’t a situation looming. During a phone conversation or an IM chat, we can let the other person know that we have a mental disorder – an invisible illness. It doesn’t have to be dramatic and dire. Casually may be the best way to handle it. “I know you’re wondering why I didn’t go to the movies with you last week.” “When I saw my doctor yesterday we talked about my physical health and my mental health too.” “You know that character on that show that has PTSD? I have that too, but it’s not exactly like on the show.”

If that sounds risky, you’re right. It can be. There will be people who still don’t get it. People who “don’t believe in” mental illness. People who try to brush it off. People who offer the latest vitamins or super foods or Eastern philosophy as the cure-all.

But you’ll also find people who say, “Oh, my brother-in-law has that too” or “Okay. But I’m still your friend” or “What can I do to help?”

So those are the choices, basically.

Take a chance. Or stay invisible.

Neither choice is right or wrong for everyone. Mental illness is very personal.

You decide.

 

 


Filed under: Mental Health Tagged: acting "normal", anxiety, bipolar disorder, coping mechanisms, invisible illnesses, mental illness, my experiences, public perception, social skills, Spoon Theory, stigma

Ever Feel Like This?

Video for Fleetwood Mac’s 1969 live version of “Oh Well”

Filed under: Uncategorized

Unknowing

Listen, she saidThe only thing I know for sure about my flavor of bipolar disorder is that I know nothing for sure.  On days like today, when my mind feels cool and friendly, I can marvel at the potential this unknowing offers.  Living without answers keeps me in the questions.  It makes me curious, willing to experiment, and to move on if the experiment fizzles.

Unknowing can be a great relief.  When mixed with mindfulness, there’s an untethering that happens.  My attachment to being functional, to plans, even to my concept of Self loosens.  Unknowing helps me accept whatever is in the moment.  Unknowing allows me to accept all of me as my mood, energy and cognition rise and fall.

kingsmountainThese rapid cycling, mixed states plant barriers that force me to cut a new path.  The first step is to sit with the beauty of the barrier.  I imagine touching the rough, unyielding surface and see an Irish megalith—part of my DNA and a complete mystery.  It requires respect and acknowledgment.  If I don’t see the barrier, I can’t dream a different trajectory.

This weekend I came down with a bad cold.  Over the course of a day, I lost my voice and terror drowned out all other sound.  “I just got over pneumonia.  In a couple of weeks, I’ll be driving across the country.  I can’t get sick now.

And the monolith rises up, demanding attention.

Card DisplayI am sick, so I need to tend that.  I leave for ArtFest in three weeks, and I’m ready.  As I sit with this old stone, I can see that I’ve been pushing too hard.  Because I was accepted as a vendor, I’ve been cranking out my most artful, most outrageous cards.  I refurbished a display unit my friend loaned me.  I wanted ArtFest to see a particular side of me—professional, laid-back, confident.

And the craggy rock cannot be moved.

I am all those things, but my illness makes me much more.  My moods, my energy, my capacity will swing on my trip.  I could keep my fingers in my ears and pretend it won’t happen, but then I’ll crack my head on this immovable menhir.

I need to be quiet now and listen to the silence of my DNA.  As I breathe in the mystery, I can feel my grip loosen.  Expectation.  Ego.  Fear.  Judgment.

I’m fine.  And now it’s time for a cup of tea.


blahpolar 2016-03-06 07:10:55

Birthdays

I’m not very fond of birthdays. I usually deactivate my Facebook and hide my actual birthday on there, but I decided not to this year. My Facebook wall can’t be posted on, I don’t think. I changed my settings to avoid a bunch of “happy birthday” posts. I do post on other people’s walls to be polite and because it’s expected.

I’m just going to stay away from Facebook. That shouldn’t be too hard to do since I got the DNS problem with my blog fixed. Sometimes (not always), I would get cards from my grandparents on my birthday in previous years. Now, 3 out my 4 grandparents have died and I don’t really expect cards and gifts anyway. I can’t even remember the last time I got an actual birthday gift, but it was probably well over a decade ago. I don’t miss those, either; I always found giving and receiving gifts a bit awkward. I honestly couldn’t think of anything I’d want and have too much junk anyway. I was never much good at giving gifts, either.

Birthdays just remind me that even more time has passed with me not accomplishing anything at all in life besides getting sicker and deeper in debt. I don’t really get upset on birthdays anymore, it’s just that it’s just another day without any significance to me.

Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!


Ramblings

Personal insight for the week. I spent many years terrified of wearing glasses. Not because glasses are bad but because for some reason I thought they made me different and I didn’t want to be anymore different than I already was. I watched my teeth get worse and worse for years and did nothing and really didn’t care. Slowly I am seeing things differently than I ever have. Medication is truly a gift, even if it has side effects and doesn’t always work right, and gives you tremors some of the time, a gift that I am so grateful to have. I feel like for the first time in my life I am more whole than I ever have been. It feels good in my skin and I like who I am the good,the bad, and the different. Just because one person thinks something is bad doesn’t make it true. I spent years of my life believing that people just “put up with me” or my family loves me because they have to. Yes that is partially true but many people don’t have family worth loving. I am so different, my thoughts and feelings are so unique and range to both ends of the spectrum. I believe in spanking children, but if it doesn’t work you have to find something that does. The goal of the spanking is to change behavior if it doesn’t work don’t keep hitting your kid. Teenagers are basically big fat jerks please try to accept now that your child will one day be invaded and well and there will be days when you literally worry if they will make it out of high school. You children need you tell to them you are proud of them, that they are a great person, and make a big deal when they do the RIGHT thing. I have good kids and I will tell you right now I will let NO ONE bully and demean my kids. Life is to hard to have adult people contributing to the self image of my children in a negative way. My daughter moved to be like 2 minutes away from us. We went through hell. We both said and did things out of frustration and ignorance that we didn’t truly mean. I always believed we would get her back and even if I don’t see them everyday I am overjoyed to have them here and that we are all a big silly family. I want Trump to win the election. He isn’t part of the establishment. He is opinionated and strong and would be the best chance we have for change. I look at Chad the other day and said “Trump must have narcissistic personality disorder to because I understand the meaning behind everything he says, even when others can’t.” Lol
Outspoken people are often pushed down and shuttled off. They are thrown away because they speak to truthfully or with conviction. Just because I speak with conviction doesn’t mean my thoughts can’t change. It just means that I will STAND UP for what I believe and think. Jesus asked us to do that for Him. I guess if I can do it for him and I’m trying to align my thoughts and actions with Him people should expect nothing less than for me to stand up. We make a big deal in this country about looking right or acting right. Just because someone differs from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. You know what I think God wants?? I think he wants us to admit we are human, and broken, and nothing can fix us but Him. Even then in this world we will still fall short. We need to be able to accept our faults and past and keep moving forward. I think of it like this. At this point in my life no one knows I had Justin in high school unless I tell them. So I can be quit or I can tell people how my son saved my life. God used what by all accounts was and bad bad to change my life. And FYI he’s an amazing 17 year old and I don’t think I could be more proud of him. My last thing is this people can not change that which they don’t see or don’t understand. If you grew up getting spanked everyday to be kept in line why would you think there would be something different. How we grow up directly effects our thoughts and decisions for much of our lives. Until we start learning and living. And news flash change, real change, doesn’t happen over night. If you are trying to change your thoughts it’s not just s switch. You have to work at it and work hard. Everyone needs a cheerleader be a cheerleader to that young girl you work with that obviously has issues. Be a cheerleader for your kids, your husband/wife, you friends your family. When they do something amazing make them feel good about it. It makes those times when difficult subjects come up that much easier because they already know you care about them. Also the next person who tells me love is overused might get hit. There is not enough love, real love. Sure I love tacos I really do, but when I tell a person I love them I mean it. It might be a friendship love but I mean it all the same. And mostly people have a hard time not smiling if you really are saying I love you. Maybe the English translation of love has it right. All love is covered under one man Jesus. So how can there ever be too much love??I actually had most of these thoughts on my drive to work. It is very typical of the conversations I have in life. I can literally change subjects every sentence. I work on it but I literally get distracted.  I have learned to laugh at it. My husband actually says pretty regularly,, ‘ we need to finish the important part of the conversation before you go on with your story? Can you finish one story before you start another?”

I used to see these comments as insults that overtook my life meds have allowed me to see these comments as facts and just that. It isn’t a condemnation or anger it’s just the truth. And because I look at it that way I also know he is trying to help me be better because he knows it probably isn’t going to change, and he can contribute to my happiness. I have learned to look to him as my compass and the deciding factor on some of my biggest internal struggles. He is my very best friend and I am beyond grateful that God trusted him with me, and me for him. We make each other better and ThAT is what’s important.

 

I told old you I could tell You a story in a story!!!!